{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

... the risk of being content with what he has.

Believe it or not, the entire motivation behind my current obsession with studying math (and "spontaneous" computer programming that is nearly always inspired by mathematics) is grounded in an experiment in which I try to see how much (subtle) fulfillment can be attained simply in the practice of devoting myself to a small library of texts.  I wanted to see if I could "get over" on my own desire for inebriation, intoxication, "musical entertainment," etc ...

I noticed that it took a great deal to maintain any kind of buzz or high, and that the more I chased or WANTED to be in that zone, the more I NEEDED the liqour store.

Imagine being content to work through a math textbook!  What?  No Van Halen concert? 

When I behold our society, especially how they worship sports teams, I am proud to be asocial.   I still identify with those who drink alone, those who do their drugs alone.   My experiement was to see if I might be able to make math textbooks, computers, notebooks, and pencils my PARAPHENELIA.

What I mean by "getting over" is the feeling of being as content as possible without feeling I am missing out on anything.   I don't care who is getting high as a kite ... No matter how much money anyone throws at the bar, no matter how many dollars are put in the juke box, eventually the money runs out and there is only Empty Space.   

While I am surely attached to my regiment of study to the point that I become quite anxious if prevented from having a good chunk of time to myself to study, to work on my "math notes," it is nothing compared to the wretched misery of jonesing for another blast, another drink, etc.

The cool thing is that I am under no obligation to "enjoy" it, studying math, that is.  I am not obligated to love it as though it were my religion.   I just happen to be most content when permitted to follow my bliss, even if my bliss is not all that enjoyable, entertaining, or "fun."

That's the key, isn't it?

Many years ago, I recall some women in the office at the park inquiring as to what I did for fun.  At the time, I suppose I was studying math and reading Schopenhauer.   I found the question insulting.   I am not obligated to have "fun."

When trapped in a doctor's office, when I am forced to hear the TV in the corner, I become irritated by the "common hype" about how people are supposed to be looking to get married or at least find some kind of partner to "do things with," to go on vacations, to spend that money they earn while kissing a-ss at their jobs.

The whole mentality makes me sick, and - I repeat, I am proud to be asocial.

Like Ignatius Reilly of Toole's A Confederacy of Dunces, I have great contempt for the values of mainstream society, especially celebrity culture.

To be content just to have a little room where I can store my books and my notes.

One of the main agents for spreading the warped values of consumerist society is the TV and the whole media machine.  Maybe it is a blessing not to have an abundance of wealth.  I mean, as I tried to explain earlier in this post, extracting a life from simply devoting myself to studying some special old mathematics texts is really in radical defiance of the consumerist celebrity culture, the "Dancing with the Stars," all the talent competitions --- it's all such inane hyperbole ... the rewards ceremonies, etc.     

At what point do we celebrate our outsider status?   At what point do we allow ourselves to appreciate being one of the fish outside the net?  I mean, when do we flip the script and rejoice to be useless and unknown?

Why must we pay everlasting regard to the opinions of others?   I am fed up with reading the stupid things people write, such as, "Why do so many smart people amount to nothing?"

They just don't get it, do they?   They don't comprehend that "amounting to something" often involves being one of the many fish who swim directly into a giant net and then strut around as though they were "selected or chosen" rather than "captured."

They think the fish outside the net are jealous of those being hauled up into the boat and served for dinner.