{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

I found this difficult to answer.   I would not mind never having been born, but my body wants to breathe, recover, heal, etc.

Isn't it only a matter of time that we will die right now?

While I do appreciate our communications here (an understatement), may each of you be released from the redundant cycle soon.

In the meantime, may your current resignation give you a sense of relief.   At least you have already learned not to want life.

I had suffered from heat exhaustion yesterday, out alone in the "gardens"  (we have zucchinni already).  Fortunately I was out there alone and had the privacy to crawl behind a shed into a thin sliver of shade.   I took off sneakers, socks, and shirt, then proceeded to roll on the grass, digging my fingers into the cool dirt until I calmed down enough to breathe easy and just rest.  I felt like I was dying.  I felt my skeleton on the earth.  My bones want to return to the devil.    I thought of math notes and computer programs I've accumulated over these past four years, and I felt my heart saying, "Although my work is not yet done, if this is it, if I am done, maybe my mother can get my notes/work/code to some publisher who might revive the Dolciani series with my computer programs in C++ (along with Sage and SymPy computer algebra systems).   I'll never know if anyone will ever receive or appreciate the work I've done."

I actually thought I was dying, and I was glad no one was out there.  I was glad I did not have a phone.   I felt like an animal crawling in the shade to die in peace.

Before it is over, maybe we all will be begging for death's warm embrace!

A car drove into the gardens, and so I, out of embarrassment (the nerve of me for crawling into the shade to die or sleep!), got myself to my feet and shuffled along out of there.   When I got back to the domicile I crawled into a tub and ran cold water over the back of my head until I felt revived.  When I could stand, I showered with hot water (to get any ticks/blood-suckers off my skin - especially under the scrotum, the armpits, those places the little fuuckers like to feed from).

Again, fortunately the Mother was not home, so I had the privacy to actually "suffer my agony in peace."    The last thing I want in such a situation is a "ride to the hospital."   Leave me alone ... let me sweat it out and maybe sleep it off.   When I am dying, I want to die alone in privacy.   What's up with sending in a priest?   


The bottom line?    It would have been cool were I have died, but not for my mother who depends on me.