Fear is not such a horrible affliction, Holden. Consider the fish in the deep oceans, where they are consumed hungrily. We must have inherited all these anxieties from all our ancestral organic roots. Even in our cerebral pursuits we are mercilessly attacked by Demons to break our spirit, to rob us of any inkling of enthusiasm we might have mustered for disciplines long dominated by quite a mad collaboration of wise apes, but apes none the less.
There is an alternative dimension Schopenhauer was aware of, where this life, while awake, may be similar to dreams of the night, where our imaginations tear us to pieces. It turns out that we may have been born into a species which has no choice in the matter as far as having to contend with the predicament of being at the mercy of being this hungry tube that, when healthy, must release the bowels … the thing is, we do lose our appetites, and the entire cosmos - redundant and agonizing want and need - constant fear is simply the natural state of being aware. Most of us, for our mental health, must learn a way to "turn down the volume of our own internal alarm systems" so that we might not collapse from a heart attack - or lose a dangerous amount of sleep from not being able to shut down the brain.
Trust me, my brain thinks it can go on forever, but when the animal body has had it, things can get pretty weird rapidly. We are all vulnerable to this world-weariness 1000 times a day. But, do you think that maybe this is "Life teaching us not to want it?"
I suppose many human beings might pretend they are "One with the Universe" --- poetically one can imagine that drowning in the ocean is merely the process of becoming the ocean itself. Will the emotions of the dead cause the oceans to destroy the cities of Hell?
Holden - you do us a great service with your honest reports of A Day in the Life of the Employee. It is nightmarishly Kafkaesque. Those who have been able to adapt to these arrangements mankind has with its "Overlord Corporate Empire," felt perfectly alright about reproducing fodder for the monkey house. After all, it's what most wildlife does, if it is at all biological.
Well, not actually. Many species would die before being domesticated, or self-destruct within the confines of those attempting to domesticate it.
Our species, unfortunately, seems to be the handy-work of a rather sadistic deity, one who lives inside peoples' heads, along with all the Laws of Nature and Science, all thought-ghosts, really. It is literally all in our heads. Goddamn, that Buddha of Berlin was so on point with his laser-sharp insight when grasping for the tail of the riddle of existence: "The world is in my head, but my head is in the world." This goes along the same lines to what you were attempting a couple years ago: to be a knower as opposed to being a sufferer. Is it a matter of shifting perspectives? I used to try it as a child, if I am not mistaken. Yes, I would try to see myself as the "subject" of some kind of Nature Documentary -- or story ... or Lab Experiment Gone Haywire ... that's what the notebooks sometimes became, just my own "lab logbook" articulating any kind of report on the status of yours truly, His Creaturelyness ... I rather like to imagine myself as a frail yet wiry kind of naked and humiliated chimpanzee, but I try to maintain a sense of humor until it really hurts --- which could come out of nowhere.
Feel free to complain about the ramifications of having been born, and the worst is yet to come for all of us … but there is the age-old folk wisdom and many deranged senses of humor who take great delight in knowing that this phantasmagoric insane asylum existence can fade to black in a matter of seconds for any living creature.
It is rude for the religious to console others with promises of relief in an afterlife. That minimizes the often legitimate indictments against the burden of existence.
Sometimes I catch a magical evening, when I don't mind so much having been born as long as my trail of notebooks might help curious, emotionally distraught scholars of a primitive future. I try to show much work ... for the youth. (God knows where the math-text-book and programming book industry is going, what - with the whole decades long Object [money-scheme] Oriented programming, and now "the mobile app" retardation of nations. Let's not even mention JK Toole and the Confederacy of Dunces in the Publishing Industry who would reject him again were he reincarnated yesterday..
I hope the original notebooks survive and find their way to a scanner into the world for students around the planet, wherever and whenever this cruel and mocking world gives them an opportunity, or even a breath of fresh air enough to even be willing to become a receiver of such "monetarily useless scribblings of a mathematically-inclined rebel monk.
I sense that you are somewhat of a monk as well, Holden.
It would be a Pipe Dream to imagine one day having a small camp of Vans-with-solar-panel roofs, venturing around outside the entrapment of paying rent or mortgage. And yet, I am a homebody who hides, a hermit. I would drive to get away until I would feel safe to "stay put." Kind of like the Natives used to do. It would be more "natural". All I would have to do is put all my notebooks and library in a small storage unit. (and find a free van, and freeeeee gasoline. Pipe Dream, remember.)
You are feeling your harness, Holden. It weighs on you heavier than your colleagues because they have acclimated themselves to living in Hell, and the only way to truly acclimate oneself to living in Hell is to become one with the Great Tormenter, no? Do you suspect there are Powers and Forces out to harm you? Trust your fears.
There has to be some peace for you. Corporate Horror is fine to read, but living it is not something one who can muster up disdain for WANT and NEED would prefer to endure.
There are plenty who would prefer starving to death in the mountains, which is what life is all the time in the blessed natural world …
Arrrrrrrrrr, I've gone and distracted myself again. This schizophrenic bastard is getting back to the code and the matrix theory … and the growling stomach will be fed some warm wheat cereal (I promise!!! yeah, right, he won't eat - he eats very little lately).
You may have no choice but to become a bitter slave. In a state of hunger and want, you might end up adjusting so well that your "depressive pessimism" would be quite mild compared to the rancor and animosity of those who never stop wanting the things that are just out of reach, namely, intangible things such as "lasting satisfaction" or relief from the burden of existence.
You are ahead of "the game," Holden. You get it.