But we, humans, are weak creatures and we need illusions to cope with the wretchedness of this vale of tears.
Without these illusions, I would be reduced to a terrified animal. As it is, were I dropped anywhere out of nowhere, be it city or suburb or rural area, I would not be incorrect to say my life and limbs would most certainly be in some kind of harm's way.
Without indoor heating, the coming winter is Horror-in-Itself. The hubris I might accidentally develop with intellectual interests is always, and I mean constantly, kept in check (haunted) by the moment by moment lived experience of navigating this angry/needy/weak animal-meat-with-eyes-appetite through everyday existence.
It is horrifying to consider how easily any one of us can be reduced to _________ (fill in the blank).
If the Elements aren't trying to kill us, or another human being (or lots of human beings) is hating us just for breathing, well, yes, tell all the children that life is a crock of shiit, if they haven't come to this conclusion themselves already from their own experiences. I mean, they have brains similar to our own. They'll figure this out for themselves eventually. Or not.
To be honest, I suspect that I have lost faith in humanity simply from having lived as an actual man interacting with actual people. I dislike so many and so much of what is held in high esteem by the conspiring societies, be it mainstream or the diverse subcultures. I would not be interested in tutoring or teaching their little pod-stomach-children any math or programming. Why? When they grow up they will be killing me with their automobiles and "smart"-phones. I have too much sense to think the conspirators want me anywhere near them. They don't want me around them or their "employees." Besides, I can't divorce philosophy/politics/attitide from craft, so I reduce myself to menial labor since I might bump less heads that way. But no, there is no getting around philosophy and politics and attitude, not even if serving in the most menial capacity. That is, there is no getting around the Conspiracy of Silence about the true nature of our lives. Just talking about the real situation the way I tend to do, I think this makes me "unemployable" as I apparently can't seem to be able to read the script. My mind and behavior may be "too set in its ways" to GIVE what this world assumes it can TAKE (my time). I suppose, on some level, I may be wondering how to go about just dying gracefully. How to embrace extinction? There is no room for "deep thoughts" in the world of "jobs."
"Jobs" don't seem to be so much about skills and knowledge as they are about obedience training and ambitious desire to secure higher social status in the Planet of the Human Social Hierarchies. Raul, I am a man with no connections, no resources, and few teeth. How shall I say it? It seems like job seekers must prostitute their entire minds.
How can any of us not come to despize ourselves simply for finding ourselves in the predicament we find ourselves in? No matter who, no matter what, if you exist, you have grappled with your predicament.
This is why, I think, some mystics will intuit that the most certain way of getting to know other people better is to inspect our own inner processes. To know others we must only know ourselves, but we hardly know ourselves since we need so many illusions just to endure being in our own skin!
If we can ever manage to momentarily rip our own minds back from the Horror Machine of Biological Survival and to have some pity for the "meat and bones and blood" that is who and what we experience as ourselves to be. Maybe this is what people mean when they suggest that we "love ourselves."
The problem with loving ourselves too much is that we may justifiably come to the conclusion that this world is not fit for such a sublime and sensitive creature as yourself, and that you must evaporate like a snowflake against the rising temperature.
There is something too brutal about the true nature of this world. One can't help but imagine some poor soul going over their notes, about to have their throat slit. No, I am not ashamed to admit it. Each creature is born vulnerable to torture. The only way not to become overcome with fear and anxiety is to reduce our concious attention to the "world" ---=---- that means billions of us, each obsessed with our tummies, families fighting over food internally, fighting over money and the brute facts of everyday reality.
This is why we are all so dumb-founded by the hundreds of channels of totally inane craap the power-brokers and war-mongers fill the airwaves with. We are horrified by our own species, especially when we get a good close look at "people" ...
Take some comfort in literature, yes. This may give a sense of having made a connection "with some intelligent life out there."
May we keep our heads together and be safe. Should death take us, well, what a strange trip this has been, what a goddamn phantasmagoric dream - but as long as we are living Things, we are the constant prey of the Elemental Forces which bitterly mock our weak flesh. How utterly terrifying!
And people do not generally speak in such terms. That is the conspiracy against us, a conspiracy (by humans) against humans, family members against family members, where we are exposed to others constantly taking the inane craap seriously and mocking any calls to consciousness.
I feel fortunate to be the last in a small family. I (we) can just bow out gracefully and quietly. I (we) may have learned the great secret, that is, life has taught us (me) not to want it. And yet I want to eat this bread. I think I want to continue to study, that is, until the cost of living is just too much, then I would prefer an endless nap, thanks just the same.
It has been difficult to work through an exercise (stuck but studying more intensely and slowly), and I know I am fortunate not to be one of the poor devils in a university getting rushed through the first half of the text in one semester to fit into the systemically stupid grids of Industrial Civilization.
This is a pleasant way to interact. Only our "literary" identities interact. We try to dig deeper. Here we are, these angry stomachs with heads attached, noodles between the ears. At any moment, something happens and we are gone, our animal body in danger somewhere in this dangerous thing we call a "planet."
The conspiracy is that, in polite society, we are required to silence all such "contemplation," and to basically mind our business and not draw any attention to ourselves (like a good frightened animal is programmed to do). There is no doubt in my mind that other human beings, each and every one, are also frightned animals. How could they not be?
It is "cool" to pretend we have a philosophical grip on these riddles, but the most honest thing, I think, is to just admit just how baffled we are lest we end up sounding like the pretentious posers in so many textbooks who, at all costs, ignore the fact that "something is not quite right."
Mental equilibrium and composure is required even when panic and fear might be the more appropriate "animal stance".
For now, like an animal in the wild, at least I made it back to dirty over-crowded Jersey in time to help my mom when she needs me. What comes next? I guess it couldn't hurt to reflect a little each day on our own corpse, behold the moon, take a deep breath, and let life just blow our minds as it has blown so many minds before ours.
peace
enjoy sleep
enjoy death as well I suspect
the requirement (in order to live) is that we must eat food
we will eat food or we will not
compassion for all eaters-of-food
we are all in quite a predicament