{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

Nihilism Revisited:   

I want to experience existence as a comic drama that is amusing in its ultimate absurdity.

What resonates with me today, 10 months later:

5. The Apollonian and the Dionysian are two opposite psychological tendencies that pull humans back and forth in a struggle between the need for order and contemplative representation and the desire for uninhibited frenzy and expression of energetic impulses.

I feel both these psychological tendencies strongly.  I think these are exactly the impulses Hermann Hesse was alluding to in Steppenwolf, where the Wolf part represents the Dionysian and the man part represents the Apollonian.  The mathematics and the applying computer programming to numerical computations - that's all the Apollonian ... the irrational desire for the cosmos to just disappear --- is this the desire for uninhibited frenzy and expression of energetic impulses?  The failure and destruction of the principium individuationis? 

Do most people find the pursuit of knowledge unbearable?  At times I do sympathize with those who succumb to the epidemics of "pain relief" ... It is a razor's edge ... and so I hover in anxiety. 

How is one to fit into this world, into society? 

How would one "teach" computer programming or computer science or even algebra without going off onto philosophical and political tangents?  How does the world even function?  So much inauthenticity and people playing roles!   

When one sees right through the farce, what are they to do, label us mentally ill?

How many are able to make sense of our situation when so many fail to face the situation honestly?  It is all so frustratingly incommunicable!

Maybe I will at least attempt to impose some order on this chaos of irrepressible thinking by forking into two different threads, one in Why Bother? and one in Dark Humor ...

I have to admit that I find it very frustrating trying to explain to myself why I have invested so much time throughout my life to studying.  By society's metrics, whether I develop skills or sleep my life away is all the same.  I must still be condemned as a dead-beat reject. 

Many glorify soldiers.  I do not.

Why does society lionize soldiers and enforcers?  I am so at odds with my world.   Football culture ... automobile culture ... Even though I am into literature, philosophy, and math/computing, I even feel alienated from the academic world.  You know, I am extremely negative.