As long as we are the subject of willing, we will never have lasting happiness or peace.
When you behold that you are only a third of the way through a text you wished you were through already, take heart, my friend, and take some pride in your authenticity. A less honest man would lie to himself and cast the book aside, moving on, moving in a so-called "forward" direction.
You are wired for depth of understanding, and not in training for any competitions.
I had made a commitment to work through 5 or 6 different textbooks - all in the same subject! Almost a full year later and I am coming to the last couple chapters in each. It will still be a couple of months before I reach this little goal and move on to the next set, and then the next set, until I have no more teeth to be extracted, until I am no longer this subject of willing.
The unfulfillable nature of metaphysical will is the underlying reason for the misery and dissatisfaction we constantly experience in our very own lives. You can rest assured that none of those who torment you at the office are spared this total dissatisfaction with their own lives. It is the nature of life itself, this UNFULFILLABLE NATURE of METAPHYSICAL WILL ...
Schopenhauer may have deluded himself in thinking that happiness and peace (SALVATION) could be found precisely by NOT remaining subjects of WILLING, but one has to be a little deluded to have the audacity to prescribe any kind of cure for our predicament. I do not blame him for being a kind of "salvationist." To experience moments of disinterested apprehension temporarily releases us from suffering. And yet, to have to report to an office you hate must compound your dread and anxiety until you will no longer be able to stand it, maybe even having a nervous breakdown. How many countless "workers" have already experienced this nervous breakdown and simply continue as automatons? They are not revived in the morning with what Schopenhauer felt when he exclaimed, "The day is MINE!".
The advertisers are trying to sell a cure with all kinds of status symbols. These are the carrots keeping the racers on the track. For others, the fear of hunger, shame, the cold, prison, etc keeps them showing up for the job they hate.
Consider yourself fortunate if you can spend the evening with a math text which is taking you longer to get through than you wished. Think of all the money which would be saved by all those who require hard drugs and booze and prostitutes to get through such evenings were they to be able to calmly lock themselves away in a room to chip away at their ignorance.
The pain associated with WILLING, when it comes to something like wishing to proceed more quickly through a textbook, may have to do with the inherent restlessness within our metaphysical will. We seek a temporary release from suffering, the suffering inherent in being a subject of willing. It is not too dissimilar to the dread and anxiety of an addict in dire need of another hit, another pull, another shot, but surely not as intense.
We wish for some kind of cognitive gain in a liberated state. Unharrassed by suffering, and no longer a subject of willing, if only for a few moments, as PURE COGNITION, we might gain insight into the metaphysical essence of THINGS. But, in order to experience such moments, we may have to endure hours where nothing particularly enlightening or enchanting occurs. I think that it is best if we stop searching for any earth-shattering moments of transformative clarity, and just get a grip on our miserable, wretched predicament. Once we have calmly and maturely ascertained that this misery is most likely inescapable, we may endure ourselves as best as we can. For me, math helps. One day I may return to the booze; but right now studying in this manner is giving me a sense of "direction." I am preparing for death, going back over some important ideas. Maybe one day I might get back to physics … today I am content to "reformat my hard-drive", that is, reteach myself things that I may not have given enough attention to since our Global Culture seems to be possessed by this alien force pushing us to aim higher and higher, to become so-called "professionals," to attach ourselves to some kind of careers with corporations or invent software that the gorts find useful (or entertaining) on their computerized telephone-internet-systems.
In this little morsel of time called my "life" I am demanding this time to reflect on certain ideas with no intention of ever putting any of these ideas to use. As far as I'm concerned, I don't give a fuuck if society perceives me as a lunatic or a lazy bum.
We are things, yes. You say you are a machine. I say I am a creature. Senor Raul says we are demons. We all seem to be cognizant of the fact that we are these things, the thing-in-itself, a morsel of matter/energy which might as well be the entire cosmos ... each creature/machine/thing/demon alternating between states of dissatisfaction/suffering and relief ...
Maybe you do not wish to write the way Kafka did because you don't see any point. I appreciate reading your raw descriptions and do not require any stories with characters to keep me interested in the complaints you lodge against the phenomenal world.
Another toothache? Me too. And I just had a tough one extracted only about 6 weeks ago. This is one of the last couple in the front feeling pain when eating oatmeal ... but I almost laugh at it ... such pathetic machinery ... Yes, we must laugh at our predicament!!! Is any of it our fault? Is there some kind of "Creator" or Extraterrestrial or Supernatural Beings we might blame, as our species has been doing from the beginning of time? Do any of us have a clue as to the nature of our lives? Any of us?
There are sociopaths who would slit our throats for a handful of dollars, or just because they despise the way we appear. Are they inherently evil by choice?
I don't have any solutions, as you know. I do not believe we will find an antidote to the misery inherent in being these subjects of willing, these Things. I would only hope that, during those difficult and sad moments, if you have any energy to spare, you might lose yourself in tinkering with some math exercises if only as a distraction.
If you prefer fantasy, then this is certainly your prerogative.
I am also a very solitary Creature/Being/Thing, and I am honored to be in communications with you and Raul. I felt that this message board would serve a greater purpose than private emails or even comments on a blog. I enjoy reading the communications back and forth between you and Raul. I delight in honesty and I do not mind complaints (except when it is my mother doing the complaining, since it is constant ...). What a wonderfully miserable predicament.
I just wanted to send a response to let you know that I think it is perfectly genuine and authentic to have reached the point where you can face just how miserable you are with your situation. I would only remind you that it may not be the job alone, and to keep in mind that it may simply be the unchanging nature of existence itself, this sad comedy which has been going around and around throughout the generations for eons.