I almost wish I did not have the influence on you that you say I have, but, then again, I suppose that my total resignation must be quite apparent, and that I appear to be far more calm and "in touch with reality" ever since I just accepted that there is something about me that makes the idea of "romance" more than a mere comedy ...
Really, though, I do not feel proud of myself if this is the effect my writing has had on you. It has never been my intention to intensify any hostilities you may feel toward womankind.
Even Schopenhauer, toward the end of his life, had said that he was quite fond of women, but that they were simply not interested in him.
I suspect he may have been being polite, and that maybe the kinds of things Schopenhauer was thinking about, spending his life thinking and writing about, have a tendency to weaken the power of the will to reproduce. Since the women you may be attracted to represent this passageway to the renewal of biological life, and since orgasm is the most concrete expression of the Will to Life, maybe you have developed a deep seated mistrust of what you see to be nothing more than a ruse of Nature.
I try to be careful when discussing such things, as I would not want women to take it personal, this Total Rejectionism.
I have noticed that women do not like me primarily because they can sense at some level that they cannot bully me around and that I am quite pensive most of the time-that they do not like one bit-what they are looking for is a ROM-COM,with me they get an Art House movie in which the protagonist starves himself to death in the end.
For a long time I thought that way, myself. I mean, when I saw how my cousins might be "hen-pecked" and dominated by their wives, I thought that maybe my lone-wolfishness has more to do with my mental independence being perceived by women as a "touch of arrogance".
It is a good mental exercise for you to consider that maybe not being such a "good catch" is not such a bad thing. Some arranged marriages seem to be not much more "romantic" than owners (that is, "parents") breeding their pedigree dogs.
I like what you wrote about taking heed of the screams coming from the well, and hoping that will be enough to keep you from falling in.
Most people seek existential security, not to mention financial security and even PSYCHOLOGICAL and PHYSICAL SECURITY.
Who knows why so many pair off. It's "natural" I suppose. And yet, even among certain orangutans who do reproduce, some of them remain solitary.
I see both my parents have been alone far longer than they were ever married.
So, even those who do not shun romance, but who have actually sought it out aggressively, may end up alone in the end. It is good that you prefer to be solitary, for, as counter-intuitive as this may sound, it just may be what is most natural. I mean that, if one is resigned to the fact that existence has been and continues to be some kind of bizarre nightmare and an accident, that birth is really a death sentence, then it is actually quite a natural reaction to avoid becoming emotionally attached to another creature who one's sexual union with could result in the birth of yet another victim of orgasm.
You know, Cioran had a long term lifelong companion. It's not entriely unheard of for a woman to become attached to a man with a dark and deep mind.
Just continue to be yourself and you are sure to not fall into any traps, and, should a woman one day lay claim to you, well, she will probably be glad that you repelled other women.
Then again, you may feel that in rejecting romance altogether you are defending a Fortress of Solitude.
I can't speak too objectively about it since, after all, I have been a lone man for a very long time. I'm a stranger in a strange land in an alien heat.
Fortunately for me, this renewed interest in mathematics has really been fulfilling, far more fulfilling to me than chasing drunkeness or humiliating attempts to woo women who were not at all interested in me. It is good to just be yourself and to refuse to allow relatives or acquaintances to shame you or bully you into living more according to the ways of the herd.
You seem to have a good grasp of the sad comedy most people are living, and I'm confident that nobody would get too far with you pushing social norms.
Still though, you never know what can happen. There is always a chance you might be caught up in a spell, and for that, you ought not feel any shame either.
All I know is that it feels good not to WANT.
Want can be mistaken for need.
If you don't want what you haven't got, that seems to be a good thing, in deed.
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