{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

Today my boss threatened me,while his stooges were tittering at my predicament, with a domestic enquiry.Here's a Catch-22 situation for you: you are being given impossible deadlines-if you don't meet them- you are on trial, if you made mistakes while trying to meet then-well, you are on trial just the same.

Normally, such a situation would have made me terribly afraid,but it is surprising that I took it very calmly-something in me wants to see how bad can it get. If there is an enquiry,then the outcome is a foregone conclusion.

Does it make me feel afraid? No.Really.
You wrote about my wish to starve myself. Well, at present my BMI is 19.7( I think one is officially in the danger zone below 18.5),but you want to know what is really helping me to  get closer to my vision? Horror Fiction.Its funny that you wrote that yesterday ,for I was thinking about it yesterday too. Let me describe the background a bit.

I have succeeded in really,really restricting my appetite quite well.However, as some of my posts would testify,regulating the libido is a different and far more difficult ball game  altogether.
Well, tell you what-I just might have stumbled upon the cure. Horror Fiction. I have found that whenever I am reading horror fiction-my libido almost disappears. So, I had this vision yesterday: I am laying alone in a quite room.There are horror books strewn everywhere in the room & I am holding one in my hand too.
But as I am terribly weak physically I am being able to read it only with a great amount of difficulty.
In the end,the books slips off my hands & at the same point in time I close my eyes for good.

Do you remember-it is mentioned in the biography,the one which the two of us have read-by Cartwright,that at his death ,his library contained more than 100 books dealing with the paranormal.

Maybe it is a clue-maybe those books helped him to embrace death. Maybe they would help , first to extinguish the libido for good and then to sweep away the residual husk of a body.
What a splendid vision!
 
Please understand,horror is the true reality for me. It is bringing me closer to the point where I do not want to be around anymore,however, if I do go away it would not be in a violent manner but by starvation.
I do want to leave for real, you know. Much as I admire Schopenhauer and Cioran I do not want to live as long as they did.