{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

“This is the great lesson the depressive learns: Nothing in the world is inherently compelling. Whatever may be really “out there” cannot project itself as an affective experience. It is all a vacuous affair with only a chemical prestige. Nothing is either good or bad, desirable or undesirable, or anything else except that it is made so by laboratories inside us producing the emotions on which we live. And to live on our emotions is to live arbitrarily, inaccurately — imparting meaning to what has none of its own. Yet what other way is there to live? Without the ever-clanking machinery of emotion, everything would come to a standstill. There would be nothing to do, nowhere to go, nothing to be, and no one to know. The alternatives are clear: to live falsely as pawns of affect, or to live factually as depressives, or as individuals who know what is known to the depressive. How advantageous that we are not coerced into choosing one or the other, neither choice being excellent. One look at human existence is proof enough that our species will not be released from the stranglehold of emotionalism that anchors it to hallucinations. That may be no way to live, but to opt for depression would be to opt out of existence as we consciously know it.”

― Thomas Ligotti, The Conspiracy Against the Human Race

I do have some hope that some day I'd be able to study as much maths as you are studying -the reason is that we have too many traits in common.

I think you would benefit, at least psychologically, if you approach this in the most personal manner possible.

For me, since I drank excessively from 2003 to 2015, I lost a great deal of confidence I might have had developed between 1998 and 2002. 

Now I have gone back to study things I might not have looked closely at since I was 17 or possibly never.

I enjoy the process of discovering that a problem that looks fairly straight-forward actually requires more careful thinking than I would expect.  This has a calming effect on me, so I do not feel as though I am wasting time or back-sliding.  I have reached a point in my life where all I ask of myself is to be around for my mother.  In the meantime, I want to go back and rebuild some confidence, or to at least reach a point where I do not berate myself for having to think hard about something that I think should be simple.

One of the traits we may have in common is that we are in our own orbit.  We ought not compare our mathematical abilities to others, and not to each other.   Remember, I was about your age when I first realized that I wanted to develop some math skills, as I was not satisfied with just learning the things I had to learn to serve as a maintenance worker for the state.   Now I am in an entirely different frame of mind where I want to understand the why, whereas before I was mostly concerned with the how.

There are many bad books out there.  The trick will be to find one that suits your "orbit".

Please note that I was extremely particular when it came to deciding on which text to devote my attention to in an attempt to fill in the gaps, the material that might not be explained in high school and yet is assumed to have been grasped in "pure mathematics" or "analysis".   Not only am I attempting to fill in the gaps in my own education, but, while doing so, I am taking notes like a monk from two similar texts as well as from their respective solution manuals.  I have noticed a lack of clarification and precision when searching for clarification on the internet, so I am approaching this experiment with the patience of a monk.

While I may not have gotten too far beyond "Multivariable Calculus", and while I do intend to at long last study Differential Equations and engage in a lifelong study of Linear Algebra, at this time I have decided to focus on "Introductory Analysis".  To be clear, this is not the "Real Analysis" one would face as an undergraduate in a university, but from texts aimed at advanced high school students in the later part of the twentieth century.

It just may be that I am trying to understand some of this to such an extent that I might be equipped to "teach" it to someone.

So, maybe in a year or so, if you are bored and wish to focus in on something, I could locate these two texts and have them shipped to India.  Then, as you go through them concurrently (as the material overlaps), I could copy notes via scanner and ship them to you.  I really believe that these texts are unique in the manner of the presentation as well as the "Real Analysis" approach (including formalism and rigor).   I have search far and wide, and most "high school" texts are lumped into what is called "precalculus" or "advanced mathematics".    I don't see any other texts at this level which aim to teach "analysis".

So, do not think my head is thinking about things way beyond your grasp.  I am not trying to catch up to the eggheads and theoretical physicists or "software engineers".   I am filling in the gaps at a fundamental level, and I might very well be in a position to understand just where confusion might arise.

Just for the record, I will leave a link here to specify the two books I consider to be such unique treasures that I would devote my 50th year to revisit this material.

Many inexpensive copies of student editions:  Modern Introductory Analysis

Don't worry about the solution key.  I've got your back.

The above was the text used from 1964 to 1986.  Mary Dolciani died in 1985.

Another text which lists her as co-author was released in 1988 and 1991 called Introductory Analysis.   It covers the same material with a slightly different take, but it includes some computer exercises (using BASIC or Pascal, which can be translated to other programs).  Again, don't worry about Teacher's Manual with Solutions.  I am keeping a separate set of notebooks in which I work on every exercise, and then I make corrections when needed.  Some of the problems are so challenging that I must consult the solution manual for each step.     [ --- a great text, but was it appropriate for high school?  Who cares?  Who the fuuck is in high school, anyway?  Not me, that's for sure.  It is appropriate for me now, that's all I can say about that.]

I really think that by this time next year I will have organized some very precious notes.  I leave these links to the solution manuals here so that, in the future we might see if these last handful of copies have since vanished.   

We do not have any official "monks" in our time era, but I think that maybe I am some kind of monk.  So, as long as I continue to abstain from imbibing alcohol, I will be able to keep a clear head and a steady hand.  Let's hope they still read cursive should the power grids go down. 

Even if I am not preserving this gnosis for posterity, it will motivate me to secure lodgings and shelter should I ever be in a "homeless" situation again.  This will motivate me avoid others so as to avoid trouble so as to avoid jails and hospitals and death ...

While my day to day life can feel very empty and boring, especially in the morning when I witness myself picking up where I left off the night before as though this were a perfectly normal way to live (obsessive study), I have a strange sense that I will look back on this "experiment" as a significant transition in how I feel about mathematics in general.

Organizing my interactions with these texts helps me to remain committed to this.  Sometimes I am tempted to just get back to Multivariable Calculus and proceed into Differential Equations, but I am certain that going over these "Introductory Analysis" texts at this time just might have the potential to transform my view (and approach) to mathematics, so it would be wise to do this now while I am moved to do so.

Most of us will never be mathematicians, so I am focusing on these texts that seem to have really made an attempt to prepare a student for pure mathematics.   The material may be just outside the comfort zone (of calculations).  Supposedly that's where the magic happens, just outside the comfort zone, but not so intimidating as to make one throw in the towel.

shall be told, I suppose, that my philosophy is comfortless — because I speak the truth; and people prefer to be assured that everything the Lord has made is good. Go to the priests, then, and leave philosophers in peace! At any rate, do not ask us to accommodate our doctrines to the lessons you have been taught. That is what those rascals of sham philosophers will do for you. Ask them for any doctrine you please, and you will get it. Your University professors are bound to preach optimism; and it is an easy and agreeable task to upset their theories.
-Schopenhauer

Herr Holden,
I have zero experience with love. There is nothing I can add to the drama between lovers. Here from time to time reporters on the radio stations tell us that domestic violence has increased in this country. I think that in the past all this drama was hidden on purpose but now with cell phones, TV and internet and a new generation all these dramas come out. Last week one of the tabloids reported that a man killed his wife and then comitted suicide, another case involved a man who savagely beat his wife and as a result the woman lost her baby and now she is in intensive therapy. Two years ago a man could not handle the divorce so he strangled his five-year old son in revenge, the left the body on the road, confessed the crime to his former wife on the phone and then fled to Argentina. Some months later he was extradited and sent back here. Endless nightmare on this Earth, Herr Holden. I think this new generation (1990-2000) born in the age of internet, smartphones, videogame,YouTube, you name it, have become incapable of emotion due to the relationship with machines and not with their parents. Specially they learn most of the vocabulary with machines, so no interacction physically and emotionally. They are a generation with no empathy, that fail safe mechanism that humans need. Neverding nightmare, Holden. Stay well over there. Raúl   

Herr Holden,
Ever heard of the mengamuk syndrome? Some would say you would qualify for that loss of anger. I forgot in the other post to tell you that according to the WHO every forty seconds in the world there is a suicide. Such a slaughterhouse. Stay safe. Raúl

Herr Holden,
I am not sure but it might be linked to run amok. The word mengamuk comes from the Malay. We all,after all , can run amok. You said that you read Schopenhauer in order to go bonkers. I suppose it must be very tiring and exhausting both mentally and physically to be in an environment where you have no one to match your vast knowledge of philosophy,mathematics and literature. Do you have photographic memory? Stay well. Raúl

Herr Holden,
Thank you for your response. Yes, Life is a long dream or a long nightmare. I really admire your commitment to philosophy and mathematics. Many are called but a few are chosen. Stay well. Raúl

Herr Hentrich,
I thank you for taking the time and the patience for having read my comments during this time. I also thank you Herr Holden. This is my last comment. Wishing you the best, I say goodbye. Raúl