Author Topic: Depression Tabulator  (Read 1256 times)

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Nation of One

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #15 on: February 26, 2019, 05:00:51 pm »
X - 5PM:  Waiting for the depression to feel like joy.    That is, I suspect that there may be some kind of morbid satisfaction in facing the emptiness rather than pretending I have discovered a way to transcend it.
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

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Holden

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #16 on: February 27, 2019, 12:04:11 pm »
I am  but  one big wound.
La Tristesse Durera Toujours                                  (The Sadness Lasts Forever ...)
-van Gogh.

Nation of One

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #17 on: February 27, 2019, 08:01:38 pm »
Holden, I wish you might one day be inspired to peck away at some programming or even just check out computer algebra systems like Sage and SymPy (both would familiarize you with the interpreted programming language, Python) … and maybe even begin an exploration of the compiled programming language, C++.

Some days, especially when I tweak one of my homegrown programs, making alterations smoothly with unprecedented confidence and spontaneity, working with paper and pencil prior to or in conjunction with computerized assistance, I find myself in an almost mirthful state, innocently exploring, grateful and filled with awe and wonder.

Is it just the flip side of depression that the medical professionals call "hypomania"?    I don't think so.  You know what they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it.

All I know is that, since 2015 or thereabouts, since I have been exploring these free computer algebra systems, my passion for studying mathematics has deepened exponentially.  And that's just the tip of the iceberg.  I am sometimes amazed at the collection of homegrown command line programs I have collected in my ~/bin folder.  Even when something can be done by an already created computer algebra system like Sage or SymPy, I take great delight in building a stand-alone command line program that can handle a special solitary task, like listing the continued fraction representation of a number.

mwh@coyote2:[~]:
$ ----> cf_rat 13 25

13/25 =
          1
 0 + -----------------
            1
     1 + ------------
               1
          1 + -------

               12

13/25 = [0; 1, 1, 12]


cf: convergent
___________________
0:  0/1
1:  1/1
1:  1/2
12:  13/25

The above is output from one of the programs I created while on a little tangent last spring while going through an old c.1963 book by CD Olds, Continued Fractions.  I went through the little book, engaging with the exercises, and creating programs for various scenarios. 

In Sage it would look like the following, the first without the magic of "%display ascii_art":

sage: continued_fraction(13/25)
[0; 1, 1, 12]
sage: %display ascii_art
sage: continued_fraction(13/25)
      1
--------------
         1
 1 + ---------
           1
      1 + ----
           12


You mentioned Bertrand Russell in a recent post.   You know what prevented him from committing suicide was his desire to study more mathematics.  Combining writing code with the study of math  might be enough to grant you a kind of double life, a passion that might revive your dejected spirit upon returning from another redundant day at the office.

You might find yourself so engrossed and innocently enthusiastic that, before you know it, like clouds passing in the sky, that one big wound which is your life might grow some scabs.

I only mention this in the spirit of generosity; it is my wish to share this secret delight.

I am only trying to discourage any kind of prejudice against computers and programming when it comes to mathematics.   Programming and mathematics complement each other in beautiful and even sometimes elegant ways.

~ Code Pusher?

PS:  Don't get the wrong idea.  Sometimes I go weeks without writing code, and most often, when I do write the homegrown code, or creatively implementing a library of C++ classes to suit my purposes, the code is born directly from working through exercises in textbooks with good old fashioned paper (notebook) and wooden pencils. 

In another thread someone had written that one might have to reinvent a reason for living each day.  This stuff, the old math books, filling notebooks diligently with a calm working through the exercises,  the cutting edge documentation available for the asking (internet connection), the exciting realm of Open Source Computer Algebra Systems, trying to implement homemade versions in C++, etc..  I dare say that these dopamine producing activities represent quite an existential victory for the modern day Steppenwolf navigating his way outside the maze of bars, pacifying entertainment, street drugs, and the bombardment of advertisements and the phony drama of celebrity culture (sports and entertainment industries).

It's a Razor's Edge.   In a real sense, my practices protect my spirit in this place where spirits get eaten.

I feel as though I have stumbled upon a great secret on how one might get through a life [otherwise] not worth living.   
« Last Edit: February 28, 2019, 12:13:32 am by The Gorticidal Steppenwolf »
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~

Nation of One

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #18 on: March 01, 2019, 01:23:55 am »
On the other hand, Holden, remember that NOTHING THAT IS SO, IS SO - hence, you may witness all the mental energy I invest into the continuing study of mathematics and mathematically-oriented programming, and you may silently come to the conclusion that you would prefer not to actively pursue a similar fate.

In that case, your free time might be better spent reading the horror fiction or some philosophically-oriented literature.

Still, you may live a long life.  You never know when you might be in a position where you have no choice in the matter; that is, you might have nothing else to motivate you to rise in the morning or to feed your body food.

It's as though my body is aware that the brain attached to its neck, this appendage, as Schopenhauer called it, might present an obstacle to the self-preservation if it is not given something sublime to contemplate.

While computing and calculating may not feel sublime, it engages the brain in a process which must surely be preferable to concerning oneself with the petty disturbances involved with social interactions that the sociological psychologists write endlessly about.

One could allow oneself to be consumed by nueroses, or one might develop less anxiety-filled neuroses as an alternative.

What I am trying to say is that I certainly do not live a charming life at all, and that I am fully aware that all my studying may be for naught.   And yet, as you had suggested in the past, while it may not be obvious, my passionate and obsessive compulsion to focus entirely on math day after day rather than search frantically for gainful or even humble employment, might have spared me from falling into many traps.

No matter what anyone might think about the uselessness of studying math compulsively beyond the age of 50, there are far worse obsessions I could easily be possessed by.
« Last Edit: March 01, 2019, 02:04:03 am by Cyclothymia »
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~

Silenus

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2019, 11:32:11 am »
[X] 11:22 am - These past few days it feels like I would be better off dead.

There are times when I accept that I am already a living-dead man: without hope, motivation, a goal, a tribe to belong to in this ape-o-sphere. And I rest easily in this; it's a small personal victory to me.

But I still have to play the game. I've been working at a hotel, stocking shelves of linen, taking out the trash, cleaning. It's simple and the place is quiet, which is fine.

So while there are periods of this "useless bliss," I can't shake off the feeling of being BURDENED as part and parcel of this crazy, dumb ape species: the working animal. I know I am no better off than my "fellow man."

The road of resignation has been a rough one for me, I will admit. It's hard to accept the condemnation of being alive. No, I don't have or want an alternative; it's just a bitter restlessness within me. And there is hatred. A lot of hatred.

"And the strict master Death bids them dance."

Silenus

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2019, 07:36:56 am »
[X] 7:36 am - What's the ffucking point in this senseless suffering and madcap civilization???

"And the strict master Death bids them dance."

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #21 on: March 21, 2019, 09:18:42 am »
Last night I ended the night early, by 11PM or so.   I was concerned that I might wake up in the middle of the night, which I did a few times.  I was up early, but when I proceeded to begin my ritual of working through exercises, I became aware of a slight change taking place.  Part of me is feeling trapped in a rut, but I know that the nature of what it is I am up to requires that I detach from any sense of purpose.  That is, I refuse to study as though it is all leading somewhere.

No.  I study mathematics because I do not know what else to do with myself.

All I have to do is renew my interest every day.  There is an emptiness, but rather than sinking into depression over this emptiness, I would like to see if I might be able to handle more and more raw reality.  That is, by coming to terms with the real situation, that we can count on our moment to moment existence to be filled with this kind of everyday dread.

Alone.  We are each alone in the great darkness.   There is no easy way out.

Now, what is it about continuing with mathematics exercises first thing in the morning that might help me endure myself?

Is it possible to proceed even when mildly depressed?   Of course, one is not going to be able to get into much if tears are dripping on the notebook pages, but there must be a way to continue doing what it is one does even when in the grip of profound boredom.

So how do I personally cope with the unpredictable appearance of moods and mood swings?

I talk myself through it.  I acknowledge that these uncomfortable feelings are the nature of being a living organism.  No, it is not pleasant at all. 

Observe the appetite.  Observe the moods.  Observe the predicament we are all in.

In the meantime, I study, compute, calculate, derive, analyze, show, prove, etc ... but the one problem I will never be able to solve is the problem of existence itself.   I will not try to solve it.   The only solution would seem to be to stop eating food.   This is not a choice I feel I am capable of making; but I am in no rush to eat food first thing upon awakening.
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~

Holden

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #22 on: March 21, 2019, 10:29:39 am »
Activities do not taint me, nor do I desire the fruits of action. One who knows me in this way is never bound by the karmic reactions of work.
(BG)
La Tristesse Durera Toujours                                  (The Sadness Lasts Forever ...)
-van Gogh.

Silenus

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #23 on: June 23, 2019, 09:45:48 am »
9:44 am - Forced to wear the labor chains today. Doing the bare minimum, not out of rebellion but out of indifference.

Meanwhile at home my father is telling me that I shouldn't be or should not have to be miserable and depressive. I often forget how it's all a choice! ;) More especially, I forget that I'm NOT ALLOWED to feel this way. Ffucking pathetic!

He preaches the same mental gymnastics of denial as most anyone I've met. I single him out in this case, but it could be an employer, friend or co-worker all the same. The "doesn't affect me/don't care" attitude anytime the horrors of living cross one's awareness.

I think I may be more weary of such denial than I am of the dreariness and drudgery of living, not to mention the issues that concern me most: of overpopulation/climate change/species extinction(not including homo sapiens). But that same denial is part and parcel of this very nature of all things...so again I must ask myself, what does that make me think of "nature?"
« Last Edit: June 23, 2019, 09:59:48 am by Silenus »

"And the strict master Death bids them dance."

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #24 on: June 23, 2019, 11:57:24 am »
Quote from: Silenus
But that same denial is part and parcel of this very nature of all things...so again I must ask myself, what does that make me think of "nature?"

I'm not sure what to think of Nature anymore either.   I may enjoy a few tokes off a pinner joint, but anyone who makes the assumption that I am some kind of Nature-worshipping "hippie" would be surprised to discover that it is becoming more and more evident that nature is the original monstrosity, the blind demon spawning stars and galaxies, cancer, etc ...

Try to be patient with your father and others in society.  This is the very conspiracy Ligotti writes about in his philosophical treatise.    I will not litter this Depression Tabulator with feedback, but I wanted to confirm that I am also sense where I am heading as far my general feelings about nature and "the universe".

Last night I was checking out Higher Morality and Satanic Rebellion against Nature

I see why it helps us to be able to articulate these unpleasant truths.  Just because we can handle these truths does not mean those we cohabitate with or interact with will be. 

OK.  That's enough out of me.  I'm not exactly sure I have the courage to follow my thoughts to a conclusion.

Take care, Silenus.     

(Please do carry a small notebook in your pocket during the work day.   You may be able to do some thinking throughout the day or when sneaking away to allow your body to excrete the waste.)

Quote from: Silenus
It's hard to accept the condemnation of being alive. No, I don't have or want an alternative; it's just a bitter restlessness within me. And there is hatred. A lot of hatred.

I am starting to identify more and more with the mythological "fallen angel" who I imagine would have been nausiated by all the "Hosanas in the highest."   
« Last Edit: June 24, 2019, 08:40:51 am by gorticide »
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

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Silenus

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #25 on: June 23, 2019, 07:03:13 pm »
I admit that's hard for me to be patient. It's not that I don't understand their way, it's that I'm growing less and less tolerant.

Maybe it has to do with still being young. The "fire in the blood" so to speak. I still have my passions and they certainly sprout when I'm irritated. And I am irritable...ah, who knows.

It's being in limbo, honestly. One minute I'm resigned and the next I want to burst at the seams. Great highs and great lows, one fueling the other. So it goes for this hairless monkey.

Cooler heads prevail, as they say. Now if I could just remain calm... ;)

Thanks for your understanding Hentrich. Now I'm home, tending to my solitude. Just as it should be.




"And the strict master Death bids them dance."

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #26 on: August 30, 2019, 02:10:18 am »
There is a difference between denial of the will to live and the basic frustrations of a dissatisfied will.

If I can't fix a technical problem, I want to die?   If I do fix it, I want to live?

Some guys want to die if the girl they are infatuated with rejects them.   This is not a denial of the will to live but something altogether different.

When you become tired of eating food, tired of becoming hungry only hours after eating a meal, then the denial of the will may be beginning to make itself felt.

But if I want it all to end simply because I am tired of my will being thwarted, due to the frustrations, is this still denial of the will?   No, I think it is something different.

Hunger motivates us to eat food.  It's not in the least bit pleasant.

I wonder why more people don't acknowledge what predicament we're in.

Well, I'm sick of the technical issues, and I'm feeling the familiar hunger pangs kick in, even though I had plenty to eat today.

I know this sounds infantile to say, but I can honestly say that I am not fond of being alive.   Still, I do not want to drown.  I don't want to burn.  I want to breathe.   It's sick.  That's what it is.

We think "everyone else" is handling it ok, but, no, this is not true.   We might be surprised to learn how many of us secretly wish we would never wake up again.   It might hurt the feelings of those we love were they to see into our hearts and know the dark truth.

I really wish I knew how this ends.
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~

Holden

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Re: Depression Tabulator
« Reply #27 on: August 30, 2019, 12:09:41 pm »
Maybe it does not end. Maybe it just goes on and on and on..I would request you to bracket out the Jewish theological backstory for a moment and look at the following pictures ,that of your favorite saint:

https://ibb.co/mXbB6Qk

https://ibb.co/BGMNmWb

Do you see how dark the background is? Think of it as a picture of not Jesus and Francis  but of any two mortals. I see your point.It is not that people in my office torment me so I don't wanna live. It's that I realise that the game itself is flawed. The apple is rotten at its core.I want to tell you this, I saw a very beautiful woman today in the street ,she was really very beautiful and most men would feel attracted towards her but you wanna know what helped me to see her for what she really represents? I saw ,in my minds, eye,nails,big nails and pierced palms (again I request you to bracket out the theological baggage of the imagery.) I don't see why,like Schopenhauer, we should't co-opt religious imagery when it serves our purposes. So, I was going somewhere in a taxi in the afternoon, and I see this beautiful blonde(while Indians ,as far as my experience goes, aren't naturally blonde, most women these days dye their hair golden), and the sunlight was falling on her and she was really pretty, take my word for it. And all of a sudden, almost immediately, this image comes to my mind.Nails, big, black ones and pierced palms.

You see, when I was sitting in a cafe(not drinking coffee, but doing office work and sitting quite alone), I saw one couple. The woman brought a coffee mug with her lover's picture on it as a present for the lover and they were flirting with each other and all and I saw, I really saw, how repetitive it is and how very banal.
There are malls all over the city ,always filled up with couples and pretty girls selling make-up kits. I wonder if any of these pretty girls thinks about the fact that sum of length of all perpendiculars drawn on the sides of any equilateral triangle is a constant. I doubt that very much.

Anyway, I got sidetracked, I was trying to say was that when I enter my office I feel as if I am entering the place of my crucifixion. Its all so dark I can barely breathe.I feel as if they are going to nail my palms and torment me.



I don't think if one believes in "Jesus" one attains salvation. But if one suffers as much as he is supposed to have suffered during the last 12 hours or so..its a different matter. Schopenhauer writes that if the suffering is intense and persistent enough.. it can change a man.I suffer a great deal and its not just because I couldn't be with the woman I loved (I never loved anyone) but because I have come to the conclusion that such a thing as "true love" between a man and a woman cannot exist at all due the very nature of the kind of world we are in.I feel flabbergasted. I don't want to live and yet here I am getting ready for tomorrow's crucifixion.

   
         
La Tristesse Durera Toujours                                  (The Sadness Lasts Forever ...)
-van Gogh.