Holden, I wish you might one day be inspired to peck away at some programming or even just check out computer algebra systems like Sage and SymPy (both would familiarize you with the interpreted programming language, Python) … and maybe even begin an exploration of the compiled programming language, C++.
Some days, especially when I tweak one of my homegrown programs, making alterations smoothly with unprecedented confidence and spontaneity, working with paper and pencil prior to or in conjunction with computerized assistance, I find myself in an almost mirthful state, innocently exploring, grateful and filled with awe and wonder.
Is it just the flip side of depression that the medical professionals call "hypomania"? I don't think so. You know what they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink it.
All I know is that, since 2015 or thereabouts, since I have been exploring these free computer algebra systems, my passion for studying mathematics has deepened exponentially. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I am sometimes amazed at the collection of homegrown command line programs I have collected in my ~/bin folder. Even when something can be done by an already created computer algebra system like Sage or SymPy, I take great delight in building a stand-alone command line program that can handle a special solitary task, like listing the continued fraction representation of a number.
mwh@coyote2:[~]:
$ ----> cf_rat 13 25
13/25 =
1
0 + -----------------
1
1 + ------------
1
1 + -------
12
13/25 = [0; 1, 1, 12]
cf: convergent
___________________
0: 0/1
1: 1/1
1: 1/2
12: 13/25
The above is output from one of the programs I created while on a little tangent last spring while going through an old c.1963 book by CD Olds,
Continued Fractions. I went through the little book, engaging with the exercises, and creating programs for various scenarios.
In Sage it would look like the following, the first without the magic of "%display ascii_art":
sage: continued_fraction(13/25)
[0; 1, 1, 12]
sage: %display ascii_art
sage: continued_fraction(13/25)
1
--------------
1
1 + ---------
1
1 + ----
12
You mentioned Bertrand Russell in a recent post. You know what prevented him from committing suicide was his desire to study more mathematics. Combining writing code with the study of math might be enough to grant you a kind of double life, a passion that might revive your dejected spirit upon returning from another redundant day at the office.
You might find yourself so engrossed and innocently enthusiastic that, before you know it, like clouds passing in the sky, that one big wound which is your life might grow some scabs.
I only mention this in the spirit of generosity; it is my wish to share this secret delight.
I am only trying to discourage any kind of prejudice against computers and programming when it comes to mathematics. Programming and mathematics complement each other in beautiful and even sometimes elegant ways.
~ Code Pusher?
PS: Don't get the wrong idea. Sometimes I go weeks without writing code, and most often, when I do write the homegrown code, or creatively implementing a library of C++ classes to suit my purposes, the code is born directly from working through exercises in textbooks with good old fashioned paper (notebook) and wooden pencils.
In another thread someone had written that one might have to reinvent a reason for living each day. This stuff, the old math books, filling notebooks diligently with a calm working through the exercises, the cutting edge documentation available for the asking (internet connection), the exciting realm of Open Source Computer Algebra Systems, trying to implement homemade versions in C++, etc.. I dare say that these dopamine producing activities represent quite an existential victory for the modern day Steppenwolf navigating his way outside the maze of bars, pacifying entertainment, street drugs, and the bombardment of advertisements and the phony drama of celebrity culture (sports and entertainment industries).
It's a Razor's Edge. In a real sense, my practices protect my spirit in this place where spirits get eaten.
I feel as though I have stumbled upon a great secret on how one might get through a life [otherwise] not worth living.