Another long, psychologically challenging night.
I had seen a blind dog. All he did was walk in circles barking (actually more of a groaning sound). In these utterances the creture was emitting, I detected pure frustration and mental torment.
I could not shake the image from my mind. What kind of world have we been born into? What's in store for each of us?
I have many technical notes I would like to post here, but - hey - Why bother? Right?
I am convinced that I am obsessed with studying math and computer programming (and parts of computer science I just barely grasp with my limited experience) because I find this land of milk and honey horrifying. It repulses me. No wonder I am an enemy of organized religion and the military, oppressive instituions.
If I were to ever have a tomb stone:
Michael William Hentrich, just another chimpanzee who could read, write, and do a little math.
He found life to be overwhelming and most likely is better off dead.
I suppose that our mortality is good news, no? No matter how much we learn, are we not destined to forget it all? I have notebooks from two summers ago from going over "high school Geometry," and, I have to say, in all honesty, it takes a great deal of concentration to follow ...
And so I wonder if what I am studying today will be remembered or forgotten.
So many abstractions necessary ... there seems to be at least two worlds we inhabit at all times, the objective and the subjective. So, what does it feel like to be someone like Bjourne Stroustrup, the Creator of C++?
Does he not still need to eat his pancakes? I want to care about the code. I want to be curious to figure out how things work, and I embrace the mornings when I am free to follow my bliss. In order to make any kind of progress (in understanding anything) at all, I have had to detach from "final outcomes" or destinations.
There is no destination. Until the end, I will forver be behind the eightball, surfing the Learning Curve of Sisyphus. This world is terrible. One must hide. People say the world is filled with hatred, but I think it is more just mass scale frustration and the primordial burden of self-preservation.
How does one speak or write about technical matters without suppressing and ignoring the misery of existence?