{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

From The Anguish Tabulator:

   As I aged I learned of the great grandfather I had never met, the man named Hentrich (or Heinrich) who had ended his life in the manner similar to the author of A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole, attaching a hose from the exhaust of his personal automobile and putting the hose through a window closed as much as can be expected.   For my recent ancestor, it took place in a closed garage.  My father was only ten years old at the time, and he worshiped his grandfather (who came from a mysterious place called "Germany," spoke with peculiar accent, and tried to teach him words which were far too long and confusing for my father to learn).

For the author JK Toole, by the way,  his vehicle was left running outdoors on the side of an old dirt road where he consciously took his final nap.

So,

My father never picked up on the German from his grandparents frequent arguments, and always complained that the words were too long.  Neither of his parents spoke much German either.  Generally, way back when, it was discouraged for "German-speaking" 'citizens of the United States of America' to teach their descendants the German language.  There was great effort and propaganda to Englisize those with Germanic heritage.   I learned this, not through formal education, but through reading Kurt Vonnegut Jr, novels as an angry and troubled young man.  It was verified later in life during a homeless spell and many trips to a library through John Taylor Gatto's The Underground History of [American] Education.) And so it goes.   

So, I'm not too sure how much a part my great grandmother played in my mysterious great grandfather's apparent suicide (to put it so bluntly - if there are ghosts and spooky presences not visible to the living senses of organic life, forgive my abysmal ignorance if my assessment is offensive.)  I know that financial agony was at the root, supposedly, from what I was able to pick up throughout my life through infrequent mention of this man, the grandfather my father cherished as a child, but who would vanish from the stage of life rapidly before his eyes.

Well, at least, were I to vanish into the void { }, there would be no mourning grand children or abandoned wife.   I never spoke to my paternal grandfather EVER about this subject (of his father).  It would have been considered HUGELY impolite to inquire.   I liked my paternal grandfather better than my maternal grandfather.   Both were scientific types, but my paternal grandfather, having been an only child, seem a bit more shy and reserved, where as I perceived my maternal grandfather as a bit more mischievous and somewhat arrogant, but always trying to be funny (except on Christmas Day when he was bed-ridden over memories of his own father's death on a Christmas Day when he was just 12.)

Oh well, let he who is not a selfish animal cast the first handful of their own poop skillfully into the eye (?) of he or she who offends thee.

I was just wondering if my paternal paternal great grandfather had read Schopenhauer during his lifetime.  I wonder if any of my ancestors are with me.  The kin my life has been wrapped up with (my monkey sphere) do not seem to be on my wavelength, and often I feel mocked by glances and the offensive gestures Schopenhauer warns us not to be offended by lest we openly confess to others that we are merely mortal men with sensitive egos.

No, one learns to have contempt for the opinions of others, the opinions of crabs in a bucket.

I wonder if any crabs in buckets ever just lay down and die with grace and ease,
like those sold into chattel slavery who would eat dirt to die or hold their breath until death comes, rather than be held captive in the belly of a Social Beast with a Will of its Own.    Such suicides are an inspiration, but not a Denial of the Will to Live, simply a Strong Will NOT TO BE an "Object" of another's will. 

I did not enjoy reading Kant, but I do remember that he felt it imperative to respect the Subjectivity of another human being.  I would add, respect the Subjectivity of all Beings; in some way all is one, we all must sense the Life, the hunger, the thirst, the dread, the worry.  It never ends, and we know it.  We get it.

How to explain our lives currently, then?  Our initial dilemma is the burden of our own existence, but our species is a social organism, and so our social hierarchies justify themselves as forces of nature (q.o.).

Our dependency on our societies doesn't give us a leg to stand on.   

We might become like that penguin that wanders off to his sure death, simply "sick of other penguins" and all their penguin shiit.

Maybe this is what happened to my nephew, only he didn't die as he expected to.  He is now in some world in between, where he finds it easier and easier to fast.    I think he may find his way out of this maze, in the long run, after all.   

It is a madhouse indeed. Calcutta was a quicksand that I am glad to have escaped.Every hour (in Calcutta) I was getting phone calls asking me to do this or that.What reading Schopenhauer does, is very difficult to map accurately but I would say that it has made be far less prone to the shenanigans of the gort.

The rich,the powerful and the beautiful do not intimidate me as much as they did earlier.
I also think that people who go ahead and get married( the first stage of the destruction of the soul) and have kids(the second stage of the destruction of the soul),are just digging their own graves.
My father has a phd in engineering as well as management and my mother has a masters in political science and still they insist that I get married ( and never mind what I want) and have kids.

I am not trying to compliment you unnecessarily but it has to be said that the kind of intelligence that you possess is quite rare.
The problem is that matrimony is a social institution and is equivalent of wearing a straight jacket 22/7.
You have mentioned something to the effect that you often find couples quite superficially optimistic.
I would only add that,they are that way because of the very design of institution of matrimony,just like an individual capitalist himself is determined by the economic system.If he pays he workers more than he market rate,he would himself go under.If a married man is too pessimistic,his wife will leave him.

If a couple intend to bring a baby in this world ,at some level, they are bound to be optimistic.
You might have checked it out already,if not ,you might like it:

http://libgen.is/book/index.php?md5=5213EABB3F24668B63DCBD36EAD36EDD

Pessimism is for me,what the blood of the lamb is for a Christian,something that protects me and helps me to make sense of the world around me.