{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

a first hand account of this miserable existence with unadulterated honesty is very rare to find.

Thank you, Ibra.   I've always appreciated the few writers who admit right up front from the start that being human is a real bummer.   It's best to reserve such honesty for those who can handle it, those who will not try to "save you."

Some people just don't get it, that so much is relative and subjective.  It is possible that the one who is open about viewing life in general as miserable may actually be LESS MISERABLE than the ones who portray images of happiness out of some sick desire to be envied.    I don't envy anyone.

I will admit that there are some moments I feel relatively calm, where I defy the scarcity economics and attempt to resist the Psychic Attack we are constantly bombarded with, that we LACK.

As for studying mathematics, yes, it is a tremendous committment.   I've been devoted for a good 4 years straight, day in, day out.  Sometimes I suspect I have gone insane, that only a madman would care more about working through all the exercises in some old textbook than "getting laid" (I find those who suggest that this is what I need to be offensively vulgar) or "finding a job,"  "purchasing an automobile," etc.   I'm in my own orbit, and the way I was able to motivate myself to study mathematics this religiously was to equate it in my mind as on par with doing illicit drugs.   My main objective must be to be content to study in a room, and if I find myself homeless again in the future, to try to keep my head together and not dive back into the daily drinking.   That will be a challenge I will have to face when and if I find myself in that position again.   

I am sure I do not have to explain how difficult study becomes when homeless, although men better than myself must manage to pull it off ... From my experience, one's life can fall to peices swiftly.   There are trials in this life that can make it impossible to keep one's life together.   I do appreciate these past few years of relative calm study, quite a contrast to the decade of troubles I faced while allowing the Steppenwolf free rein.

Why would I propose something so proposterous and controversial as studying math as though it were an illicit drug?   Well, it can be rather addictive, doing exercises in math texts.   Also, becoming obsessed and devoted to it rather than trying to please some kind of master/boss/employer makes my devotion to mathematics kind of antisocial.    It's all so goddamn ironic!  I know many of the books I study must have been intended for students training to be some kind of professional; but, evidently, this is not who I am.   One great thing about "aging," even as I am only 52,  is that I don't fool myself into thinking I am studying as some kind of training for a profession.   No, in fact, I delight that I actually have this kind of time, this level of detachment from society, no desire for a female partner, absolutley no desire to carry on the "Hentrich" name.  May my ancestors forgive me for my lack of enthusiasm for our long term survival.

  As for eluding procreation, I can safely say that I have done so.  There is very little danger of my being seduced by a fertile young beauty, anyway.     It's great.  Even if I changed my mind and decided I wanted to conform to Nature and Society, it is too late for me.   I have made my choices, and I am not at all ashamed that I have been unable to adapt to the systematic stupidity of the society I was born into.

What makes the addcition to deepening my understanding of fundamental mathematical theorems and even of the mapping of computer memory to variables and structures different from addiction to alcohol and illicit drugs is that, for one, devotion to a good text (with solution key) will serve you for nearly a year if you are truly devoted to engaging with the exercises, whereas the alcohol and drugs evaporate leaving you feeling LACK/NEED/WANT ---> Total Dissatisfaction.

I wish there were a way I might be able to crack a beer first thing in the morning AND continue this Studying as a Way of Life, but it is an impossibility.   No matter how depressed I might become, by now I understand that this depression is simply "philosophical illumination," as Bejnjamin Cain points out via Holden.  (Thanks again, Holden, for introducing this rare blog to me.  I have started reading again, and I am pouring through the pdf installments, actually starting with The Eighth Installment.   There's something about his take on life that I find very easy on the brain.   Could it be that I am finding his intellectual integrity to be rare and unique?    Maybe it is due to my own intellectual honesty that I feel drawn to this style of prose.

Besides technical texts, I do not do much reading anymore, not the way I used to - it's a different kind of reading ... terse, requiring pencil and paper or even "debuggers."

So, this Benjamin Cain may be offering up some great reading material for when I have the opportunity to lay down and read.    As Holden says, Mathematics is a jealous mistress, and She rarely gives me a chance for such passive reading.  In fact, I have to beg Her to allow me to simultaneously study Bjarne Stroustrup's Programming -- Principles and Practice Using C++.   

I have no regrets about never having been a "professional."   Holden assures me that my failure in this aspect of my life may be considered a great success.    My failures may be my greatest successes.   I do not regret not fitting into society or being at odds with the wealth-warped values of the society at large.   The commodification of leisure, in the form of film and TV, music and video games, is driven by the availability of technology that has allowed entrepreneurs to create new tastes and wants.  (open democracy DOT net)

I wish to transform the study of mathematics and programming into a leisurely activity that I "enjoy" as much as I would enjoy the intial effects of an illicit drug or even alcohol.

There must be some kind of chemical that gets released that keeps me coming back for more.   I do not wish to make my devotion to study to appear "prudish" or "dorky," but to be more akin to dropping LSD and eating hallucinogenic mushrooms.    I want to turn study into an act of defiance.   I'm fairly sure that this analogy is weak, that is, that the "mental transformations" gleaned through study will be far less intense than a chemical reaction, but over time, over years, maybe this practice of mine might help me spontaneously develop a greater degree of patience (with myself) and humilty (lifelong learning requires a continuous exposure to our own ignorance, which can be overwhelming without the development of the humility necessary to be "ok" with the limitations of our mental capacity).   

It's humbling to face the enormity of our ignorance and not be devastated by it.  That's where the humility comes in.    Trust me, I found that returning to a high school geometry text a few summers ago really required all I had.   It was not easy; and I am confident that such material would be challenging for many - fortunately for many, people are kept far too "busy, busy, busy" to have time to be concerned with such things.    Is it worth the effort to commit to?    It depends on the motivation for studying.    For me, it is all very personal.  There have been periods in my life when I attracted all sorts of "vampires" in my life who would worm their way into my life, using via hard drugs or simply supplying the booze I craved.    There are varying degrees of misery in this life, so while I admit that just being alive can in and of itself be described as miserably redundant and pointless, since I must desire oblivion on some level, the numbing effect of alcohol is something I really can't afford to mess around with since I become very devoted to remaining in that state indefinitely, which is, well, basically a form of suicide.     

So, continuing to study mathematics, programming, and a little philosophical literature is actually the method I have used to motivate me to NOT WANT OBLIVION, but to actually appreciate a clear mind.   It's not always satisfying, and often I wonder how I have come to live this way (it does seem strange) - but it has gotten me through another day.  I believe this practice would be a lifesaver were I ever held in captivity.  The mind can eat itself alive when trapped in a cage, surrounded by individuals of different temperaments and backgrounds.   It's a great thing to develop the capacity to be alone, and to be able to stand alone when thrown into a zoo of us manimals.
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an aside:  Maybe one of the reasons I have been reluctant to post my thoughts here as of late has to do with my tendency to go on and on, and then I have this "perfectionistic" side of me that must go back and correct the typos, at which time I find myself adding to it.   And this part of me that demands a little philosphical reading before slumber must draw the line and turn off the computer for the night ... I want to read at least a little of this Cain's thoughts.  I am curious to see if his writings might be just what the doctor ordered for my nightly philosophical readings.

Thanks for encouraging me to practice "unadulterated honesty".