Author Topic: Anguish Tabulator  (Read 3518 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Nation of One

  • { }
  • { ∅, { ∅ } }
  • Posts: 4756
  • Life teaches me not to want it.
    • What Now?
Re: Anguish Tabulator
« on: March 21, 2019, 08:12:17 pm »
I have felt a not-so-intense but constant anguish and misery throughout the day.  There does not seem to be any reason in particular.  I have only smoked a few cigarettes all day, and during each "smoking" I was fully aware of this mood, this funk, I have been in all day.

Getting through days such as this must be considered a kind of life skill.

Maybe if I were living totally alone, I might find myself in tears for no apparent reason.  Maybe I might succumb to inebriation.

The thing is, we each do have to endure our own existence alone.  Maybe many might be ashamed to admit they feel miserable for no apparent reason.   It is creepy how difficult it is to express this miserable feeling.  It is as though there is a point one reaches where it just doesn't seem worth the effort it takes to articulate.   Moreover, who reallly cares?

Well, that is the power of becoming a diarist.  You do not have to write for others.  You do not have to keep the interest of an audience.  Writing then becomes simply an alternative to suicide.   It is a coming around to certain conclusions.

There will be times when one is so miserable, that it may be impossible to focus on what you would like to focus on. 

Days such as this, when in a funk, I might watch a couple videos on zootube, but I find that this can actually make the misery more intense.   And so I pace.   I try to focus.   I do not deny the misery, and I wait for the misery to transform into a kind of resignation. 

I did not force myself to eat today.  The culture I was born into does not have any traditional practices like "fasting."   If we go without eating food, this is considered a sign of clinical depression.    Tonight, by 10PM, I think I will force down a couple fried eggs on some rice.

I know that these things I write are not of great interest to anyone, but I am continuing to use this message board as a kind of "diary" for when I just need to "write to myself."   If anyone else has something to add, feel free to do so, but do not feel obligated. 
« Last Edit: March 22, 2019, 10:53:52 am by Miserable Mike »
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~