{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

Something odd is happening to me.  I know that life is pointless, and I know what a slow process it is to work diligently through math texts.  The odd thing is that I find myself hoping I live long enough to get through these books.  I just hope Life doesn't get in the way of studying math.  Life has a way of getting in the way, as though the gods took pleasure in frustrating our plans.

What is the point though?

I can't stop myself.  I think that really wanting to learn how to THINK again might be what is motivating me to abstain from imbibing alcohol.

I am obsessed with math ... even "manic" about it.  It is like a hard drug to me.  It's not a hobby; it's an obsession.

I feel like I am studying in defiance of the values of society.   The gort kids would be likely to think it is too late to start again, and most of society has the same attitude.  They love to write someone off as having "lost", as being a "loser".   And yet, like you, I am not trying to "win" the stupid games of society.

I just hope I can continue to spend my days this way ...

I keep repeating to myself, "To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge."

This way, when I catch myself feeling anxious over my brain not being too quick, rather than lash out at myself as "stupid," I can celebrate the process of becoming conscious of my ignorance.

I have to believe that I am not the first person this has happened to, to spend your life seeing yourself one way, but then coming to understand that a "self-image" is not going to THINK.

A representation of who we think we are is not able to think, since it is a thought itself.  A thought is not capable of thinking.

So what is it that thinks?   What is it that knows?  In order to continue studying in this manner, I just have to accept that I am going to spend a great part of my life feeling ignorant ... but imagine how much more ignorant I would be if I didn't spend my life trying to "fill in all these gaps"!