{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

I do keep taking my vitamins.  No need for psychiatric meds.

I have to say that I feel a little remorse over my comment about having a superior intellect to many who "serve" society in positions of authority with status and prestige.  Maybe the reason I am vocal about this has something to do with my role as living on "disability" for a "mood disorder" which falls under the category "mental illness" which can be mistaken for "mental disability" or cognitive impairment.  For whatever reason, it is important to me that I do not internalize the medical labels, and to remind myself that my cognitive abilities are, if anything, above average.

These so-called "brains" have been nothing but trouble for me.

Of course, since I spend so much time alone with math books, I do not consider myself all that smart.  I just know from my experience interacting with others that I have done quite a bit of thinking, not just about math, but about life in general. 

I live a very humble life, and I don't want to come across as delusional when I come out with something like "I am intellectually superior to many who hold positions of authority".

It's more than just an ego trip.  I also understand that I am just another vulnerable human organism dependent upon grocery stores, industrialized agriculture, etc., not to mention the fact that I fall to pieces when without secure living quarters.  What I mean to say is that, regardless of my "mental life", my well being is dependent upon things that have nothing to do with my intellect.

I understand that I am just another naked ape who can read and do a little math, nothing spectacular.

It is possible that thinking may be a handicap in a world that demands obedience and "showing up on time".

Also, compared to the "real intellectuals" - the eggheads - I am quite mediocre.

In fact, I have never been very good at acquiring money.  I am destined to be in the poor house and dependent upon the government for sustenence.  I am not at all ashamed of this.

"our modern civilization is a Moloch temple reared upon the bodies of slaughtered slaves. Let the terrorists do what they will, they cannot equal the crimes of our masters.”

I'll have to remember that one.  Imagine blurting that out during lunch break at any job.  Very Ignatius Reillyesque.

As you say "It is possible that thinking may be a handicap in a world that demands obedience and "showing up on time."

It is a handicap really. All is focused on money and power, social status, etc. Two months ago I read that in some Paraguayan schools the students are going to have "business philosophy" and "entreprenaurial behaviour" at schools. More cannon fodder for the captains of industry.

Yes, those kinds of things, such as business philosophy and "entreprenaurial behaviour" make me sick.   I have great contempt and disdain for all those ambitious youth who aspire to rise in the ranks of managerial careers via some degree in "business administration" where they study things like "business calculus."

business as usual

superficial and shallow fuuckers.

The significance of privacy in this pursuit cannot be overstated, for it is only in such solitude that one can muster the greatest degree of shameless honesty when facing the root of one's confusion.

I'm afraid that, when it comes to formal (institutionalized) education, there is just too much ego that comes into play, and a general lack of humility mixed with false pride, which sets many barriers preventing individuals from seeking out the source of their confusion.  Students in formal, structured settings, do not permit themselves to follow the trail of their doubts and confusion since there are time-restrictions, so there is a tendency not to go down into rabbit holes, but to instead, as I did at the university, study just enough to do well (relative to the herd) on the exams.   I - or we - thereby forfeit opportunities to build our confidence.  We forfeit confidence building in favor of acquiring credentials.

I don't mind being touched in the head as long as it permits me to experience authentic and shameless confusion, even if I am investigating something "the ego" pretends to already understand (maybe the wrong way, even ---> check understanding while resting in Confusion).

I shall only submit to The Confusion Master Within, it is my honest, albeit flawed Guide.

How is the inner Beast to learn on this fuucked up Island of Dr M____ if we do not allow ourselves to experience doubt and confusion?

No one is ever the same persona presented ... but I trust we might get a grip on the unfolding drama of our own lives when we have the privacy to "know what time it is."

We may have a secret source of Power we return to, a certain project we are pecking away on.  Though one might be perceived as a madman, this does not deny the satisfaction of nurturing continued interest in some Art (of programming) or Craft (of mathematical computing).

Though it might creep out little Walt Disney gortlets, there are over-the-hill men (and women even) who retain the passion of their youth for subjects soon discarded as being too consuming/absorbing/deranged.  Real Life is stranger than science fiction since we are these mutating creatures who, as in the film, Dark City, may awaken suddenly in entirely different environs, not quite grounded ... to say the least.

https://youtu.be/gvaDtmRzJTc?t=20


I suppose I can now be called a high-tech low-life to discredit my cerebral capacity simply for suspecting something lurks there in the grunts, groans, and pounding of drums.   It does not compute.  Is that the Confusion Master?

I do not think I could focus on Binomial Coefficients while cranking death metal - but that does not mean there are no freaks out there able to do so.  To each his or her own, I suppose.   At the end of the day, I'm a somewhat depressed terrestrial being waiting for the worms to take my bones back to into the Inorganic Mulch ... dirt and dead leaves ... bones ... blood --- these BASIC topics are considered disturbing.

There is no forcing the brain to think through terse mathematical notation.  One is either in the State-of-Mind for interpreting it, or one is not.   I can never jump into something out of the blue.  There is a ritualistic process involved.   It is best if the outside world, local monkey sphere, etc, has disappointed me or exhausted my patience.   Then I am ripe for exploring "my interests" as though I were just some old dorky weirdo.

When one seriously works through some of these texts, you suspect you would need to be serving a long sentence in a Minimum Security Prison to really make any headway in it.   

Preferably one that [COUGH!!] allows smoking cigarettes and provides a way to access them ... along with coffee, books, and hopefully notebooks, and at least some kind of computer with compiler, debugger, editor ...