I was not aware of these notebooks. Everything has been reduced to a hobby, for me.
My heart is very heavy, and I have been emotionally confused, if this even makes sense.
There came a point where I had stopped writing down the secrets of my heart, and my frustrations have been building.
That I was able to revisit and relearn the fundamental structure and methods was due to some kind of grace. This grace seems to have vanished from my life. Fear and anxiety greet me in the morning. I resorted to what I call "hydro-therapy" early this morning (4:30 AM or so), which is simply laying my snake body in a tub of hot-to-warm water, allowing my animal being to curl up and splash water over my head, into my face. I do not do this very often, but this seems to help with the "morning terrors."
The only benefit to having suffered through years of agonizing confusion is that the Animal Being seems to have learned a bit about healing and reconstituting.
I know that my mind is fairly coherent, and I have never projected myself as being on the level of a Gauss. No, I do not even consider myself a "mathematician". Holden, you see what a farce human society is. I have written some elegant programs, and the process forced me to learn --- and from these experiences I have gained some insight. I am more than a dabbler, but seeing myself as a math hobbyist is all this society will allow. I do not wish to be viewed as delusional.
My spirit is rebellious and defiant. There is agony in my heart. At this point, I do wish to continue with the solution notebooks for those exercises in the selected texts, but I have been far too restless. One may not have a choice in such matters. That is, my nervous system has been unable to reproduce the temperament necessary for the kind of devotion I had previously.
I do not know. Maybe I have not been able to get beyond "Why Bother?"
I no longer feel secure. Ever since I was thrown into the psychiatric treatment center last summer, upon seeing how the medical establishment "treats" those of us delivered into their "authority" has produced anxiety and fear in me. I have a great deal of anger and resentment toward those who have been given such great authority. I wonder if it will all come to a head.
I am almost certain that, were Arthur Schopenhauer born in the United States, he might have been destroyed by the plague of hatred here. He had great comapssion for those catching Hell in the Slave States. I wonder if he would have been brutally murdered by the Deep State were he "Born in the USA".
This world has broken my heart. I am "Broken Spirit" - remember?
Now I will work on a grocery list. The guilt trips my mother tries to lay on me (for having engaged in a few alcoholic inebriation sessions) is difficult to cope with. I have had people in my life who only see me as this Creature prone to bizarre behavior when intoxicated, and I have resentments towards those who feed into Alcoholics Anonymous bullsh
i. I had broken off communications with "The Aborigine" after realizing he also saw me this way, and that he even suggested getting back to the AA fold. I resent those kinds of thoughtless suggestions, where even otherwise intelligent people pay homage to things they do not really know about.
I despize the fact that all my research about these things in the early 1990's has not made it into the current hospital scenarios. It sickens me the way people submit to the authority of the medical establishment.
Maybe the doctors and such (from India and elsewhere) are really thugs underneath the vaneer of medical professionals. It is a creepy world, Holden, as you are well aware.
Were I born in India, maybe I would have self-destructed by now.