There must be nearly 100 notebooks, with far greater detail and care, which I may never be able to scan. I would be able to employ a handful of drunken monks to do the task were I of a Clan of Learned Scholars or Oracles, but I am a man of no means whatsoever, so must play all roles in this absurd comedy.
If I could end it all with a desire, the pain associated with organic existence would have been enough to destroy my will to live. The ultimate solution is to end it all somehow by whatever means necessary - and yet!
Therein lies the rub, the ridiculous nature of existence, that the brute terrestrial man [who walks upon the earth] that I am witnesses his core organism-as-a-whole-in-environments manage to consume food
over the pain; that is, a Presence observes itself as Lebenswelt des Schmerzes (Lifeworld of Pain).
This Presence most certainly would not choose to exist as endless intense pain and agony. Such distress is beyond the dignity of any organism-as-a-whole in any-environment-whatsoever --- and yet! (again)
The bottom line is that The Razor's Edge of Conscious Existence, the one we are aware of in the ever-elusive present here-and-now is a mysterious place we take for granted as our ATTENTION. The brain gets this Presence's
attention with PAIN, intense and horrifically redundant. The patterns of pain-inducing inner/subjective neurological communications involved in organic existence can be classified as Eldritch. The patterns themselves are older than mankind, older than the most ancient Civilizations or Empires of Earth, existing long before the most prehistoric ancestors of the Natives, Aborigines, and Natural World Peoples of the Earth, built into the very fabric of material existence itself.
Pain is essential.
Pain is all there is.
Pain is never missed. Only if I am able to subdue the pain of the here and now will I be able to follow through with any "projects."
There is a level of ridiculous in this state of affairs which screams
ridiculous.
In such moments of intense subjective experience, when all attention is focused inward on the personal Hell of organic existence, I get a glimpse of Schopenhauer's skill as a Teacher of Mankind, a true "holy man."
We are trapped in processes which manipulate us with severe pain. Our so-called very own neurological organism torments itself into action. This is by design.
Is it not apparent that the concept of a Creator would incriminate the said Creator in that this design shows no sympathy for the poor Creature itself who must suffer the Creation in all its "subjective" detail!
It would not seem ethical to create organisms without their consent.
Is the Christ, Son of God, Story supposed to be some kind of consolation, that the Wizard takes human form and suffers organic existence? If so, then, I can appreciate the analogy, but then we would all be Sons and Daughters of this God of Abraham, who a Gnostic would call Lucifer, the Creator-God of the Material World, the World-as-Representation, Maya.
At some point in raw experience, part of the mind must surely discard all the garb inherited from our Elder Brothers of this Family of Man and face the world as representation, our Lebenswelt [LIFEWORLD] head on. This may happen most directly during intense attention to pain.
What could possibly over-ride severe pain? Desire for food and satisfaction of eating, however powerful, is the heading off of the extreme agony of starvation.
The world of mathematics textbooks and technical manuals never mention this raw, Elephant in the Room, thing-in-itself, we call
life, or "the world," existence itself.
It's a given, I suppose.