{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

You say you are not an original thinker. However you think and that´s already an accomplishment or curse in a world where we are brainwashed to think alike with no questioning.I tell you because I also took as great truths the lies I was taught or hammered by family,school,neighbors,friends and so on. Although I am not inclined to violence I wanted to do something spiteful when I realized the nightmare I was brought to, but what is the purpose of doing spiteful things in an already spiteful world? You write about identity. You are from German/Scandinavian ancestry. Here in school they told us that when the conquistadors came there was almost no resistance to them but later I found out that the indigenous rose up against the Spaniards in a bloody way twenty-seven times.

In Paraguay soccer is the popular sport (our sedative and tranquilizer) and the sport commentators say "the Guarani team" about the national soccer team, and there are love songs in Guarani but our attitude towards them is of indifference and lack of consideration. After all our ancestors plundered and took their lands with the sword and the bible.

I have been struggling with "identity" since adolescence.  There is, of course, one's biological, genetic, and perhaps ethnic identity, and, then, as you point out, with the diaspora/migration/colonization, many of us may feel culturally alienated, spiritually disconnected.

Walmart, McDonalds, Coca-Cola, Disneyland are not a culture.

Like John Trudell sang in Crazy Horse, "Too many people standing their ground ... standing the wrong ground."

Do our bones know what to do?  We are wide awake, Raul.  All you can do is take deep breaths.  We can't unsee what we have seen.  We look, we listen, and we learn. 

Maybe I'm trying to find some kind of culture in my head, in mathematics and philosophy ... but these do not speak to my heart.  Maybe I am in the Land of the Already Dead.



For once, I don't know what to say.  I'll step outside and smoke tobacco.

There are a number of injuries that would have me strongly desire to be put out of my misery like the lame horse. 

When we speak of life being a nightmare, we are considering all the horrible nightmare scenarios that exist as we speak.  Life, in general is this nightmare of potential horror.  When we point this out, someone may respond, "But this is all the more reason to cherish your health while you have it!"

I have experienced a broken leg ... it was just about 4 years ago, I guess.  Wheelchair, crutches ... I was living alone in the barrio, carrying groceries on the wheel chair.  I notice cripples more now, and I have an appreciation for how miserable life can become.

How can people commend the youth who join the military?  They ought to have their heads examined!

While sleeping I realized why I just want to study mathematics.  I don't really like people.  Like Schopenhauer I just want to enjoy my own mental faculties (and grace) in peace.  I have seen people up close, and I am horrified by what I have experienced ... a bunch of grinning, smirking devils in human form.

I don't like to think about it.  How can anyone get through this life without becoming disgusted and indifferent?  And then there is the constant pressure of the chains of biological necessity.

It feels great to move one's bowels, but the stench!

Maybe it is true, that, as human organisms, we are the animal disgusted by our own animal nature and horrified by life in general. 

So, we have come to the conclusion that life is a nightmare.  One might feel almost a sense of shame to become too enthusiastic about just resigning oneself to spending every spare moment to studying since there are countless struggling to justify this life to their children.

There is no place for honesty.  So a girl is accepted into all 8 Ivy League universities and feels like a superstar ... meanwhile, there's someone like "Uncle Teddy" who went to Harvard at age 16 and was mocked by his older, wealthier classmates for being socially awkward.  It's a hall of mirrors.

I embrace the life of the Hikikomori because it is a life of living "in between worlds" ...

But let us not bemoan our state of awareness.

We have another thing in common besides our sense of entitlement to study mathematics at our own pace, defying the meritocracy of academic metrics and professional "performance".

It may seem of little consequence, but it goes to the heart of the matter.

Why are we not inclined to eat when we rise from slumber?   Why must I be at the point of being dizzy before I succumb to feeding the animal body?  Don't misunderstand me.  I have a terrible and greedy appetite once it is set in motion, and I have developed a taste for blood.  I have never claimed to be a saint.  I don't fast for religious purposes like the traditional cultures would do.

I'm just not enthusiastic about this trap we have been sentenced to in being born.

This is the kind of "matters of the heart" that are missing from all technical textbooks.  How wonderful is the illusion that all we have to do in this life is to understand mathematics and we will have been secretly and privately indoctrinated into an elite priestly class!   

That does not last.  We share 99.9% of our DNA with the chimpanzee, and that 99.9% demands to eat and shiit.  The Pope is a chimpanzee just as much as we are.  Christ and the Buddha - also chimpanzees who ate food and defecated, and most likely mastur-bated as well.

I will only write in terms of my current situation, but I know that all is vulnerable to chance, so what is true today may not fly tomorrow.  Today I will try to focus on what it is I am studying.  This requires a certain degree of detachment.  I have to detach from the big picture, the meaninglessness, the horror, the nightmare, the lies, the farce of society (just think of how gorts worship automobiles while at the same time, the more sensitive among us are more than a little uncomfortable with our dependency on trucks and fuel and grocery stores) ...

I think of all the prisoners who must be fed today, and how much misery is in store for those unfortunate enough to crawl out of a woman's body.

The ideal "persona" for me is just to be some shell-shocked chimpanzee in a twilight-zone human zoo who wants to isolate and study mathematics textbooks one after the other and sometimes simultaneously.  This chimpanzee is who we are.  We like books more than people even though books are written by people.  It's a bit of a contradiction, but we are happy to leave it at that.

For the moment, the best revenge against this Confederacy of Dunces seems to be indifference to their opinions, and to enjoy the brain which their officials have diagnosed as chemically imbalanced.

Every day I devote to honing my mathematical skills, and practicing solving various problems, is a day I ENJOY the very brain that makes "employment" problematic for me.

I'd say, with me, there is some harmony in this universe, for the moment, at least.

Is this selfish and spiteful of me, to enjoy my days studying?

I don't think so.  For, if I would take advice from others, especially professionals and government officials, they would consider my isolation a sign of distress.  In reality, I am most content to be an old pale-a-s-s-ed Hikikomori.   The psychiatrists and sociologists have yet to classify my kind.

I have been walking for a long time now, and I cannot express in words how greatly appreciate that the leg healed.  It just gave me a better sense of how much more wretched life can become at any moment.

I know the term gort is an abstract concept that we use to describe those who appear to be cruising through life with a lack of consciousness.  Our excessive consciousness is at once a blessing and a curse, kind of similar to the popular culture's film, The Matrix.

Myself, while I enjoy several strong cups of coffee, tobacco, and the food that ends up in my gut (and becomes waste product), I can't quiet my consciousness of those who harvest the beans, harvest the tobacco, drive the 18-wheelers carrying the product, those who unload the trucks and stock the shelves ... it is all in my consciousness.

God help humanity if they ever made the mistake of depending on the likes of me to make sure their civilization ran smoothly.  I don't care about their trains or planes running on time ... I wonder if the "war on terror" is just a false flag to secure natural resources for the hive, a hive of which I am apart.  Even the prisoners are in the hive dependent upon their jailers to feed them.

We have too much awareness, and this prevents us from "sitting back to enjoy the show."

We are not entertained.  We are quietly horrified.

Be safe, Holden.  I only suggest studying mathematics as a way to give your consciousness something abstract to reflect upon, to lose yourself in ... I have this crazy idea that we can find a secret door to "salvation", and that we don't have to wait until we are dead to reach it.

We have to become as indifferent to our suffering as the universe seems to be.

And, for better or worse, this cannot be taught.   Each is caught in the chaos of their own lives, their own societies, their own circumstances.   Imagine the youth in the inner cities trying to find a place to concentrate.  Hell.  Nightmare world.  Lovecraftian horror!

Remember when I was in the throes of despair, and you kept trying to encourage me to study math, to try to resist the compulsion to drink myself into oblivion?

Something of that suggestion must have registered on a deep level, for here I am ... and I have no compulsion to sneak down a bottle of whiskey.

Needless to say, you made a great suggestion.   

Lucky for us he was not too attracted to calculating and computing.  It would have distracted him from his life's work. 

Me, I don't mind wasting my life solving math problems.  It keeps me out of trouble.

It is appropriate to be depressed.

I study math = I do nothing useful with "my life"

I have  read somethings by Nassim Taleb.Here’s Taleb:

The luck versus knowledge story is as follows. Ironically, we have vastly more evidence for results linked to luck than to those coming from the teleological—even after discounting for the sensationalism. In some opaque and nonlinear fields, like medicine or engineering, the teleological exceptions are in the minority, such as a small number of designer drugs. This makes us live in the contradiction that we largely got here to where we are thanks to undirected chance, but we build research programs going forward based on direction and narratives. And, what is worse, we are fully conscious of the inconsistency.
Theory comes out of practice, rather than practice coming out of theory. Ex post facto histories, Taleb says, often work the story around to something that looks more sensible, but his claim is that in many fields, “tinkering” has led to more breakthroughs than attempts to lay down new theory.

Even in mathematics, finding interesting things is (or used to be?) not particularly time-pressured – and when it is, it doesn’t work as well (like rushing a three-year-old).
http://fooledbyrandomness.com/ConvexityScience.pdf

Now,of course,I am not well-versed in higher mathematics. So,I could be wrong,but  I have a hunch that many mathematicians may be making things deliberately more complicated  than they need to  be.They could just be Hegel's counterpart's in mathematics.

I found the article a little confusing.  I felt I was certainly not his intended audience.

His use of the terms teleological and convexity had me scratching my head.   I printed it out so I may read it again.  What is it about Mr. Taleb's ideas that interests you?   Is it the value he grants uncertainty?

This guy is in "finance".   I tried not to let that make me prejudiced.

You are interested in domains in which rational and convex tinkering dwarfs the effect of pure knowledge? 

I don't know what to make of it.  I guess it would help if I was the least bit interested.

I think that, as long as you are able to generate interest in the fundamentals, you can go over certain areas again and again.  Sometimes you may want to just meditate upon one little section at a time.   At other times you may want to take many notes like a monk, work through exercises with pencil and notebooks.

Sometimes you may work with a computer, and at other times you may want to keep it off.

I think you will be studying mathematics mostly because there is not much else of interest that is so affordable and accessible.

Music.  You can't just pluck a drum kit out of Library Genesis, and even if someone gave you a drum kit, you would have nowhere to practice without disturbing the peace.   Schopenhauer played the flute each afternoon.  Maybe going over mathematical ideas is a kind of music to us.

I used to love listening to music every day - under the spell of Dionysus.  I was always drunk and singing.

That was the way Mr Hyde lived.  Now Dr Jekyll is a real stick in the mud who lives like a monk.   He (I) don't really like engaging in conversations with other people.  I don't want to have any "fun".   Nothing leads anywhere.  It's all more trouble than it's worth.   Negative energy here, I'll be the first to admit it.   I write openly like this to you because I know you can handle it, and I trust you would never try to "cure me" of my miserable outlook.  In fact, your "negative" outlook on life is actually kind of refreshing.

Thinking about fundamental  mathematical ideas gives me something to focus on.  Over the winter I have been focused on the theory of limits, sequences, partial sums, infinite series.

I think you may also benefit by developing a private, highly personal curriculum.

Maybe you are a bitter young man who does not like people.  This will not hamper your pursuit of mathematical contemplation.  In fact, you can enter a realm that is millions of miles away from popular culture and its concerns.

Personal education is now very affordable as long as you are willing to forsaken the institutions of learning.  I study math the way I did drugs: in solitude.

You see, I have become grouchy and temperamental - really unsuited for polite society.  It's all I can do to remain civil.  I am lucky I do not have to report to an office.  There would surely be trouble for me. 

The reason I think studying some fundamental mathematics would suit you has to do with your temperament.  Let's face it.  We don't like people.  We don't like snide remarks or smirking faces.  We just want to be left alone in our misery.

I have some email to respond to ... an old friend who claims to be very happily married - and, to boot, a very enthusiastic and satisfied employee.  I have to use self restraint when responding to the email.  He questions me as to why I am so inaccessible by telephone.   I have one of these tracfones that I only turn on when I need to make a call.   I am inaccessible.   I don't like to shoot the shiit on the telephone.

"How ya doing?  Are you sure you don't sneak a drink every now and then?  Blah, blah, blah ..."

You see, I have a mean streak, and I have to restrain that part of me when I am talking to others.  I have a suspicion that, without realizing it, people who claim to be happy are actually cruel, dishonest, or just high on herb.  In writing, I am less spontaneous and more thoughtful.  I tend to show more respect in writing.   For whatever reason, I don't like talking on the phone.

I could respond that I too am happy, and I do feel thankfulness when inhaling tobacco smoke in the sunshine despite the freezing cold.  I know I can head indoors out of the cold!  How miserable and wretched I would be to face that cold without shelter.   I would surely seek some comfort in hard alcohol to warm my insides.  Without books and pencils and computers, as a naked ape, I curse existence for making us so vulnerable and defenseless against the elements!

So, I guess the reason we are able to communicate so well is that we both look at life as it is, acknowledging our existential predicament, whereas, when interacting with others, they seem to live with the delusion of having their SH-IT together, that all is well in the universe.

I tell you again and again, I am not fit for polite society. 

Now I will respond to some email.  I will try to be gentle.



Fortunately I don't have many people who keep in touch with me, so I have to respect someone who keeps in touch at least a couple times per year.  He is glad to see I am keeping my mother company and no longer wandering around aimlessly and drunk.



Anyway, back to your question.  When you are alone in solitude, if you can become interested in what you are investigating, you might find a little peace of mind. It will not be the kind of "fun" that is promoted by the culture of good looks, but you just might find yourself almost "content", which is a close cousin to what we call happiness.

You have to be attune to your own moods.  When I am in the mood for something formal, I will want to work with pencil and notebook along with a textbook.   If I am working through exercises that are more computational in nature, I might want to see if I can work through some of the exercises with Sage or SymPy.

I know that it may sound as though I am some kind of quack when I suggest working alone, but I find I am most calm and interested when I allow myself to maintain the Beginner's Mind, where I am almost like a child in his own little world of make-believe.

A big obsticle to maintaining the Beginner's Mind when studying mathematics is the level of formality which mathematics has reached.  The theory has been developed already.

If you look into the theory of limits, I would suggest not racing to get to the calculus, since calculus appears to be a formalization of certain notation which, at its core, is really shorthand abbreviation for things like Reimann sums and the limits of sequences of partial sums.  Then when and if you choose to study calculus, the notation will be more intuitive.  Unfortunately, after learning calculus, it seems more like magic because you compute and calculate using differentiation and integration, and all the work with dividing into intervals and taking limits seems to vanish (but it is now hiding in the calculus).  This is why it is more difficult to maintain the Beginner's Mind ...

I promote solitary study because I think it is possible to attain that state of innocence much more naturally when you are alone.  It is very comprable to how I would enjoy playing on the drums when I was alone, but did not like keeping time so as to "play with others".  I'm not a musician.  Likewise, I am not a mathematician. 

I suppose my engagement with mathematics is, in some ways, similar to my engagement with music.  It can be satisfying, but it can also be frustrating.  When I talk about it or write about it, I feel I am "full of shiit".

And here is where being an official miserabilist may come into play.   It's not something we have to announce to the world.  Some people announce that they have gone on a "vacation" via airplane.   And me?  I spent the weekend, as usual, working through some mathematics exercises and performing some simple calcultions with for loops on a computer algebra system. 

You see, as soon as you discuss your private "mathematical activities" with others, you expose yourself to mockery by who Schopenhauer called "the blockheads".  Not only that, but, if you are like me, you will sell yourself short, playing the baffoon like a protagonist in one of Dostoyevsky's old novels.

While there may be some who support and encourage your continued interest, in a world of bank accounts and diapers, working through mathematics textbooks as one's main activity will most likley be looked upon as weird to say the least.

You really have to have reached a point of mutual disdain as far as public opinion goes.

It's ok to be a little bitter and cranky.   If you find some kind of solace studying mathematics, knowing all the while that you are only scratching the surface, then this is nothing short of a miracle.   It is like a hidden treasure within your own mind, and the only thing that is required in order for you to receive this treasure is UNDISTURBED LEISURE.

Ironically, the very thing that most people are running from - solitude, being alone - is exactly what is required in order for you to be able to discover the Beginner's Mind in privacy.

This is how I am getting through a life not worth living, Holden.  Alcohol does not suit me.  It leads to sobbing, at best, and bizarre psychotic episodes, at its worse.

So, even if this senseless pursuit of mathematical maturity is of no apparent benefit to me or to society, as our missing Raul de Paraguay reminded me a few weeks ago, I am not harming anyone with this obsession, not even harming myself.

Yes, by all means, Holden, I think this may be a way for you also to get through this life that is not worth living.

I hope we both develop mathematical maturity over time, and, if not, then at least we might become more efficient at calculating and computing.  We can become like the depressed robot in Hitchhikers' Guide to the Galaxy.

Schopenhauer saw the drudgery inherent in arithmetic.  Granted, he was absolutely right about this. The brain is just an appendage to the body.  We've already figured out how unfortunate all of us are.  Just in being born, we are now subject to the burden of our own existence. 

Why learn the langage of mathematics?  Um, because it is interesting, and while it appears difficult, it is not so difficult if one takes baby steps [the Beginner's Mind].

It is a lifelong pursuit.  I can only ramble on and on like a madman about it because I am such an outsider.  I don't do LaTex or concern myself with interacting with actual mathematicians. 

OK.  Back to my own little world ...