In this world the study of mathematics,if it is not for financial purposes, is a subject for nerds.
Yes, there is that stigma here as well, but at my age I no longer care about such things.
I find life to be very depressing, and sometimes mathematics just doesn't cut it for me, or I find myself feeling inadequate in that it takes a great deal of effort to remain "dedicated". It is a real mental and spiritual battle to study regardless of what we may appear to be to others.
I had realized a very long time ago that there is not much worth doing in this world. There's just so much hype.
I'll be the first to admit that many would see my lifestyle as pitiful, but when i wake up in the morning and am able to revive my interests in a text I am determined to work through, this saves me from getting sucked into the ZooTubes.
The main thing for me is to find some kind of inner sanctuary which is not at all dependent on how others would judge me.
As I have said before, chasing oblivion lead me nowhere.
And yet, I am surely behind the eight ball. What I mean by this is that I want nothing to do with competing with others who have far more education, skill, and talent than i ever will. This is why I consider my engagement with mathematics more of a "religion" than a hobby or a vocation.
My interest in programming is always revived by my engagement with mathematics, and I don't need to master anything particularly advanced in order to be mentally stimulated.
Of course, a bad toothache can just about sabotage everything, so our state of mind at any given time is very tenuous - hence, the underlying horror of being an organism made of flesh, blood, bones, nerve endings, excrement, etc.
I really have a great deal of sympathy and empathy for the youth who may feel overwhelmed by what is before them, and I have no regrets about having not been chosen by "a nubile nyphet" to take my seed and transform it into yet another frustrated and nervous Hentrich who must find his way in a hostile world.
My paying deference to mathematics is not so much because I love it so much, but that it is one of the only things I have enough interest in to remain committed to some kind of plan, where I move in a slow and steady direction. I am sure none of this will lead anywhere. In fact, those who blow their minds with drugs may be better off.
The main purpose for my studies is that it keeps my mind engaged and keeps me out of trouble so I can be around to help my mother as she ages. I consider access to math texts and computers as a reward and motivation to stay out of trouble.
We are in the giant prison farm, as you say.
So, I don't mind if people were to see me as some kind of "nerd" - even though I do not care for such labels. At this point I am very attached to these books - psychologically attached ... to the extent that I would suffer terribly were I suddenly torn from my current endeavors.
It's not even something I care to discuss with others. I don't mind if people do not understand me.
And yet, because I do not discuss much with anyone (especially since I do not venture out anymore except to gather groceries), I very much appreciate my correspondence with Holden and yourself.
You see, the subject of mathematics is so very vast. It is easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged. Someone at my age who is studying the way I do might even be suspected of escaping from reality. And yet, this is my reality. I have witnessed how we human beings can be locked in cages. I have seen that our own bodies and brains are used against us to torment us.
And so, my approach to studying has a kind of Twilight Zone, Science Fiction, Horror, Existential Twist to it. I am in this strange reality along with you and Holden and countless others, and I do what I do until I am unable to do it.
I don't believe in marching in the streets. I don't vote. I do not cheer on any sports teams, and I've only purchased on music CD over the last 4 years, and that was Roger Waters's recent one. Hell, I don't listen to much music anymore.
When I drank alcohol, I always wanted to listen to music - and even sing, even though I can't carry a tune.
So, you see, I am not I. I am not me.
Whoever I am now, he is obsessed with studying mathematics, and not just any mathematics. I want to study the math that I supposedly already know. You see, I want to find some delight in having to think about how to go about solving problems - so I only like to go over those problems which are a bit challenging, but not impossible.
As I have said, i am in my own little world, and maybe someone of a different temperament might even want to end their life or go out there and raise some hell; but I have had enough trouble. So many vampires, sociopaths, and chaos out there!
I am living my own science fiction story where I am the strange protagonist.
Aren't we
each the main character in a bad existentialist film?
As Holden says, we might even already be dead, and what we experience as our lives is really playing out in minds in a few microseconds like in the film Jacob's Ladder.
Take care.
- Mike, the Math Junkie