{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

I am not sure how to put this question.   I don't especially enjoy "easy" problems that are too routine.

And yet, when I find a problem difficult, I am quick to berate myself, accussing myself of having fried my brain with booze and drugs.

I wonder if there is a way to say to myself, "Hey, this problem is difficult.  I'm getting my money's worth out of this book!   I'm stretching my mind with this.  And I did not have to pay any tuituion in order to stimulate the intellect."

I'm afraid I am going to have to find a way to enjoy the difficulties of mathematics or else I am going to become an irritable and bitter man.  My enemy is the ego.  It's very much a psychological, emotional, spiritual issue. 

I don't know how you handle working in an office.  Now it's coming back to me ... what a low frustration tolerance I have.  I wish I could learn how to enjoy having to think about something without losing patience with my own brain.

So you think that we expect too much from our brains, and then we become upset when our brains refuse to serve us like some kind of machine?

Have you heard of the phenomenon in India where so-called "techies" are prone to commit acts of violence during psychotic episodes where they have an all-out tantrum?  Is this just an urban legend about "techies" running amuck?   I read that it may have something to do with low frustration tolerance.

I wish I were calmer.  I wish my brain would focus on what "I" ask it to focus on.  Instead, "it" seems to have a mind of its own, and, like I said before, it delights in sabotaging my "plans".

I may not learn as much mathematics as I would like to, but I am sure to learn a thing or two about how my brain works (and sometimes does not work).  By forcing myself to work on exercises that "the ego" (false self, false consciousness) believes is too "remedial" or "boring" for it, if I can get over the damage to the ego, I might witness that the brain does not like to admit that most of the more difficult problems require CONSCIOUS EFFORT.

I know that neither of my parents would have subjected themselves to something like this, and I suppose most people would prefer "doing something useful".  Why do I subject myself to such apparent torture?   Do I delight in humiliating my own ego?   No.  On some level I must enjoy the process of learning, of accepting that I am going to have to stretch my mind a bit and admit to myself that I have to force my brain to think.

It may help if I proceed as though I do not know half as much as I think I do - that is, to cultivate a Beginner's Mind and allow myself to proceed as though learning things for the first time.

This is why solitude is necessary.  I am sure to experience some rather unpleasant emotions - "low frustration tolerance".   I need privacy in order to celebrate the minor breakthroughs and inner transformations.

I want to look at this experiment as an opportunity not just to re-learn mathematics in a different manner, but also to learn how to deal with my own brain, this rebellious and often irrational appendage to the blind will that often resists being forced to think about things that are not directly associated to giving it immediate satisfaction.  That's why the brain itself loved drinking alcohol.  There was an immediate jolt of relief.

Not so with studying.  There is no immediate satisfaction except when I honor the level of thinking effort required and put the pencil to paper.   

If I make any psychological breakthroughs or discoveries about how to get along with our own brain, I will be sure to share any insights with you.

Thank you for taking an interest in this unusual experiment.   

I could have sworn I heard the brain threaten to kill me if I made it study geometry again.  I don't think it likes geometry.   Ah, if I could only retrain these noodles in my head!   How delighted I would be if the brain could find some relief from the pressures and anxieties of the Blind Will. 

I want my brain to find some mild pleasure in thinking things through and solving problems in a logical manner - but sometimes all it seems to be able to do is feel anxiety like a fish the hostile ocean.

Could it be that Consciousness Itself is the Perpetual Beginner?

I mean, is there even a thinker (of the mind) who thinks, or is there just thought itself?

The philosopher is the perpetual beginner.  It is disheartening to come face to face (or brain to brain) with academic mathematicians who make one feel as though it would take decades of training to be able to penetrate their "mysterious subject."   

I really prefer the attitude of Alexander Stepanov, where he attempts to bring attention to the mathematical foundations of computer programming.

I really am at a loss to discover what is most worthy of my conscious attention.

From the thread on Generic Programming:

Our attempts to cut close to the bone might be appreciated by "archeologists of our current communication medium" in the near future, when we (consciousness) are no more than dust in the wind.



I never claimed to be an academic nor a professional, and certainly never an expert; that is, I am only holding my own in these realms inside our human heads.    You will feel you are in an ocean of incomprehensible gibberish, perhaps; but your interest in horror might protect your mind from being overwhelmed or devoured by imagined incomprehensibility.

Do not fear madness.   I have lost my mind many times, and good riddens I say.

It's ok to allow a New Beginner's Mind to dwell in that tired carcass once in a while.   Take it slow.

I may start having to introduce current consciousness to previous consciousness.  While it may seem unlikely to you, Holden, that my little ego could be crushed over a lifetime of thinking about mathematics, I can sympathize with HP Lovecraft being intimidated by the sheer volume of existing (as well as potential) mathematics.

In fact, even as you praise my run at formal education, you also acknowledge that, after a certain age, many will view such education as worse than useless.  It can be a challenge to maintain any kind of gumption whatsoever.   One might even become paralyzed, losing interest simply for not knowing how to focus, and not being able to decide which concepts and ideas are worthy of our attention.  Also, we want to maintain our authenticity.

Is authenticity even possible in the academic mathematics community?

If one is too honest about one's ignorance on some concept, there is a sense of "not being in THAT elite indoctrinated priesthood."

Could it be that in pursuing understanding and mastery of skill in such disciplines, we are setting ourselves up to be ridiculed as amateurs or autodidacts?

When I get into a funk like this, I do not care what I eat or when I eat.  When there is no passion for learning, I lose my will to eat.

I read on reddit that, "Highly creative people crave novelty and theoretical concepts."

What drew me to Rational trigonometry (Wildberger's theory) was the sheer novelty of it, and yet I had applications in mind, that is, I really wanted to see the theory in action.   Unfortunately, I lack the confidence to tackle exercises all by my lonesome.  Nor do I wish to sit in front of a computer watching videos.

I prefer working through exercises, working through a text, basically rewriting it simply because that's the way I go about studying.  I want to keep myself honest.  The thing is, without a genuine interest in the material, without other human beings engaging with the text, I'm afraid that, like most everything else, it would be an endeavor not worth the effort.

It's bad enough that most people I will encounter will not be very interested in the fundamentals of mathematics nor the foundations of computer science, but to study Rational trigonometry in isolation would put me in the rings of Saturn. 

I will have to content myself with simply being me, that is, a half-crazy nobody who is still a little interested in gaining deeper understanding, not just of the nature of our existence itself, but of some of the abstract concepts as well.

It is always tempting to get a bottle of booze and live the life of the protagonist in some dark nihilistic novel.   

Waking in the middle of the night (around 3AM), I was doing a little research on some people mentioned in Houellebecq's novel, Submission; but then I became inspired to read through old posts from 2015 which place resources for what I wish to explore now in 2022.

I rediscovered this gem in the PROGRAMMING AS MATHEMATICS thread, called "Anxiety as an Inevitable Consequence of Explorative Learning:

The anxiety of feeling lost and stupid is not something you learn to conquer, but something you learn to live with.

What I forgot is that the most common state for a programmer is a sense of inadequacy. As a programmer, there is a limitless amount of stuff to learn. You can become a specialist in one language or framework, but if your job is to build things efficiently, you will constantly need to be learning new tools and constantly feel out of your depth. It helps to be mentally prepared for feeling stupid.

I wonder if this can also be applied to the study of "abstract algebra" and to the study of mathematics in general.

There is a paradox here, that in order to keep learning, we have to be prepared to feel stupid, indefinitely.  There is no point where we will ever feel very smart if we wish to continue to learn and deepen our understanding.