{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

Whenever I have the opportunity to "do nothing," I continue to study mathematics.

Therefore, when asked what it is I "do," rather than responding, "I do nothing," I can quite honestly declare that I "study math."

Who would fix our broken bones if everyone lived as I do?

SUPEREGO: Find a job!

EGO:  I prefer not to.

SUPEREGO: Find a wife! 

EGO: I prefer not to.

SUPEREGO: Join a church, find God!   

EGO: I prefer not to.

SUPEREGO: You have to drive your mother to the doctor today.

EGO: I shall bring a math book and keep my mind occupied ...

EGO2: Why bother?

EGO:  It keeps me calm, keeps me from being overwhelmed with anxiety.  I have no great truths to impart to the world.  I wake up with this feeling of frustration and ennui, but I do not want any cure.  I would rather waste another day studying math until I return to unconsciousness.  Why would I look for any kind of help for my mental anguish?  Do you really believe that anyone exists who can solve this essential problem, that I exist?

EGO2:  You could see a doctor and be prescribed psychiatric medications.

EGO:  I prefer not to.

SUPEREGO:  What are you doing with your life?

EGO:  I am enduring myself.

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Alas, we are our own tormentors.  In the end, it seems to me that I study math in order to do nothing.

I have a sense of dedication to the life of the mind which is very much like a religious commitment.

One really has had to have developed a strong sense of humor if one is able to sustain a sense of dedication to the life of the mind.   Maybe this is why I so enthusiastically embrace fictional literary characters who are at once both deeply philosophical and ironic or absurd, characters like Ignatius Reilly, or, more recently, Toltz's Martin Dean.

If I did not have a sense of humor, I would become either deeply depressed or perhaps even more bitter and angry than I actually am.

You see, as science fiction writer Isaac Asimov once said: "There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there has always been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge."

I was reading through  Richard Hofstadter's 1964 book, Anti-Intellectualism In American Life, about the vast underlying foundations of anti-elite, anti-reason and anti-science which have been infused into America’s political and social fabric.  I do all such reading close to and after midnight, of course, since I spend most of the morning, day, and evening working through mathematics exercises or mathematically-oriented "scientific computing". 

Anyway, while reading Hofstadter's book, which I had followed from a footnote found in the book I was reading about the politics involved in the federally funded new math movement along with its rejection, I became more and more angry about the entire state of affairs, angry in a depressed and hopeless way, not angry in a revolutionary way.   I recall vividly how little most people respect actual mathematics or math textbooks.  I understand that teachers are not paid well, and that perhaps even that teachers of mathematics may not even have any love for the subject at all.  I also understand clearly that I would never want to hold any position in society where I would be responsible for instructing the youth in a society that worships athletes and celebrities and has no respect for "math and programming."

Anyway, it's a very depressing world we live in, as you (both) know.  Maybe this is why my private, personal form of religious devotion consists in this dedication to continuing to study mathematics with passion and great disdain and even hatred for THE "popular culture" of celebrities, professional sports, media talking heads, etc.   I realized that not only would I not want to be some kind of high school "math teacher" or that I would never be hired by anyone in the first place, but that, even if I were, it would confirm (in society's eyes) that I was good for nothing.  People even say, if you can't do anything else, you teach. 

No, I suppose there are those who say they have "too much pride" to live on the dole.  When I hear this from others, I imagine that they privately condemn the likes of me who have resigned from participating in the work-force.  The truth is, whether such people want to believe it or not, a certain amount of pride is also behind my resistance to returning to the work-force. 

Do you see how the entire playing field seems to be rigged against someone like me?   

We are destined to be suicided by society - suicided and mocked and despised.

This is why my dedication and devotion to studying math is also a great defiance against the systematic stupidity which could only mock someone such as myself.  I am at war against stupidity.

In American schools, the culture exalts the athlete and good-looking cheerleader. Well-educated and intellectual students are commonly referred to in public schools and the media as "nerds," "dweebs," "dorks," and "geeks," and are relentlessly harassed and even assaulted by the more popular "jocks" for openly displaying any intellect.

And should some love for learning still survive even after you've lived through decades of "going nowhere fast", then the only way you stand a chance of salvaging any kind of sanity in the midst of the gorts cheering for their beloved celebrities, is to worship that which the masses have contempt for, such as, you got it: mathematics.

And, no, I would not want to be a "teacher", and NO, nobody in their right mind would put me in front of a classroom of students in the first place, an, NO, I'm not some kind of lone-wolf who is a threat to society.  If anything, our stupid society is a threat to me and lone wolves like me.

There.  I said it.  I am not a danger to society.  Society is a danger to me.



Imagine that the only way to really rebel against a stupid consumerist culture is to become a worshiper of knowledge.  I have come to the conclusion that, in a consumerist society, a man who pursues knowledge as an end in itself will be viewed as doing nothing, so I might as well get used to being viewed as one who does nothing.

There is an incredible degree of irony in my doing nothing.  There is a cult of ignorance which pervades society.  Businessmen run the world and my life is a complete joke.  It is my destiny to be mocked by such a society, and yet it is likely that I would be condemned for my tendency to isolate or for not wanting to have anything to do with anyone.   If I were to become bitter, this would only make me that much more comical to those who see me as such a loser.

Raul,

I am sure you understand that my sense of humor is very negative.

It's the only way I can maintain any sanity.  When in the grocery store I can't keep from babbling out loud about what a curse it is to be born a human being.

Another reason I have no choice but to maintain a sense of humor has to do with the difficulty of studying things that society in general considers useless, because it takes a certain degree of discipline and devotion to continue in this manner.  Sometimes I feel as though there is a great conspiracy to make the serious student feel as though it is not at all worth the required effort, and that this is why so many take to drink or end up committing suicide.

It is only my sense of humor which has saved me from self-hatred.

If I can find some satisfaction in understanding the little bit that I am able to, then at least the joke is not entirely on me.  In other words, I hope to get the last laugh, for he who laughs last, laughs best.

The conspiracy is to get us to hate mathematics.  The reason I like to portray my obsession with learning more math to a drug addiction is because this obsession makes me incapable of holding down a job for the simple fact that I would not be able to study if I had such obligations and responsibilities.

Sometimes all it takes to develop a sense of humor is to speak plainly and honestly.

I do not fit into society even though I love the very thing that the governments think their youth ought to excell in.  My love for math has made me useless to those offering the jobs.   In this way, I am a living contradiction, and, perhaps even a living example of how a good slave can be ruined by a love of knowledge.

As long as I am willing to accept my failure to fit into society with a sense of humor, I think I will be immune to suicidal ideations or the deep depression that is often associated with having very low social status.

In the end, I have to be OK with others viewing my studies as "just goofing off."  For all they care, I would contribute just as much (which is nothing) if i were to blow my minds with drugs.   It has taken me many years to come to this point, where I can just study because that's what I want to do ... even if this means I will be given very little respect by society.

This is where the sense of humor comes in.  If I don't want to become mean-spirited, angry, and bitter, I think that it is best if i just see myself as a "character," that is, as an "a-s-s-h-o-l-e" who is not easy to get along with.

Thank you, Raul, for your thoughtful, insightful, non-judgmental, and understanding point of view.   The way I see it, since mild depression and a certain degree of social anxiety is sometimes conducive to being resigned enough to be content just isolating and concentrating on learning, even if my entire life is merely "psychiatric documentation" of one man dealing with his own situation, the way I have been able to diffuse a potential for extreme psychological suffering may serve as an actual method for someone else, perhaps even Holden, in the future.

When I am absorbed in learning and actually stimulated, I have no concerns about what others may think of me.  Even if psychiatrists might claim that my way of life is unhealthy (isolating, forming no significant relationships outside the bond I have with my mother), you and I both know I could be living in an even less healthy manner were I to go looking for human companionship and ending up in serious trouble.   From my experiences, I know that enduring other people's sociopathic personalities entails far more misery than just getting along with myself and allowing myself to be "weird" in this harmless manner.

Maybe there will be more and more human beings who fall out of the ranks of the workforce as various psychological disorders develop as a consequence of living in mass society.  Maybe in the future there will  be far less social stigma associated with those afflicted with certain personality traits that make it difficult to "get along with others" in a work environment.   I don't like to be abused, disrespected, or repeatedly insulted.   I know from experience that, compared to most people I would come into contact with in work environments, I have different views of things in general.   

So I have been conducting my life as a kind of psychological experiment.  I am interested in experiencing the difference between approacing mathematics as some kind of "student" versus approaching it as one who has nothing else to live for.

You can immediately appreciate the difference.  I want to see if I can transform the "school mathematics" into some kind of science fiction religious cult where engaging in the exercises becomes a kind of religious devotion.

In other words, rather than trying to fit in by seeking some humble employment, I wish to crank up my weirdness to Lovecraftian extremes and see if maybe the life of the mind might make me whole, whole to the extent that I will be able to live an isolated life for the remainder of my life, and, rather than feeling that I missed out on anything, instead feel as though I spent my days in a very worthwhile manner.

I just want to be able to "enjoy" my depressive outlook, to be very clear in my own understanding of my situation: I would not want to live a "normal life" and I suspect that most of those who try to live such lives are probably not very honest with themselves or their spouses or their children.

When one has insight into one's differences from most people, doesn't it show a great deal of wisdom to live as solitary a life as possible?

I would not promote living the way I do to the masses, but I am sure I am not the first person to respond in this way.  Society has certain ideas about how one "ought to" live.   Not all of us are going to want to or be able to live by these norms. 

When I do socialize I tend to play the bafoon, like in a Dostoyevsky novel, and then I regret playing the clown.  I wish I could just be myself and show my disdain for most people's values, but it is easier just to play the role of "weirdo freak".

I just want to be comfortable with always being mildly depressed, and I know that many people claim to be otherwise.  In fact, there is a chance that this kind of disappointment with life in general might actually help me to appreciate the circumstances which allow me to finally study in the manner which suits me.

It is only because I am such a so-called "loser" that I am in a position to give the texts I have gathered the kind of attention they deserve.  So, in effect, I flip the script.  That is, I turn the situation upside down where I actually feel I am blessed to live as I do rather than feeling like a failure.

Having lived through certain hardships helps me to cherish being able to spend time doing something many people would find incredibly boring.

This is my life, and I refuse to be made to feel like I ought to be living it any differently than I am.  I have seen what's out there.  Regardless of all the hype from the rich and famous, I know that each of us is stuck with our own personalities - so, even if the entire world despised me, I kind of like myself just the way I am.

I suppose I am "mentally ill," and yet, as you yourself have stated, I am probably far more sane than many of those who hold positions of authority and power in our world.

Have you ever experienced being high on "crack"?   It's a miserbale state of mind. 

And yet it sells like crazy where there is a desire for it.

Imagine how inspired I become each time that my brain shoots off far more pleasant chemicals while working through a math text (than those found in a crack pipe); and I pity all those poor suckers chasing the white gold and never feeling the kind of satisfaction that comes from developing ever so little mathematical maturity.  It's not a matter of feeling superior, but a matter of discovering a path out of Hell, even if it is only a temporary reprieve.   I am not ashamed to admit that I am in hiding.

This is why I insinuate that my life as a psychological experiment might serve as documentation for how some who are labelled "mentally ill" might escape the Hells they are trapped in.

I think I have discovered some kind of secret path out of my own personal Hell, and much of it involved isolating myself, hiding from "the streets," avoiding the liquor store as though it were some kind of trap, and approaching subjects that may have baffled me in my youth with the calm maturity that I have developed from living thorugh years of disappointment.

Rather than rereading Schopenhauer over and over again, I have chosen to revisit mathematics since it requires that I slow down.

The guilt some might feel for living on government relief funds can be greatly alleviated if one views oneself as an animal on a plantation.   We are each such animals with different personalities.  Maybe it is just as well I be permitted to study math for the remainder of my life.  Maybe I might learn something about the learning process itself, and I will be sure to document whatever insights I may experience.  Other than that, as you know, I am satisfied with simply having a lasting interest in the subject.   I never imagined that this interest would play such a role in getting me through this life, not in this manner. 

Thanks again for encouraging me to babble in this manner, and for understanding my depressive sense of humor.  This message board is saving me from jotting this stuff down in notebooks, notebooks which I need for MATH.   

Herr Hentrich I am sorry I could not write sooner.My computer's keyboard is shot I guess.
I think what you imply by humour is dark humour or gallows humour.Like a couple of days back I and peon in the office were talking about the situation where all of us would be fired by the management post privatisation.He suggested we would set up a shop right next to the plant and I said that I am certain with the kind of attitude I have I would run that into the ground pretty soon too.

I have great respect for you and for your mathematical endeavors.Over here they have closed down the humanities section in many ,many schools.And even the few schools that do have them hardly attract any serious students.Let me tell you how it pans out here:right after grade 10 the kid is sent to one of the prep/coaching institutes which have mushroomed everywhere.What do the kids study:one of the following two options:Math Physics Chemistry or Biology Physics Chemistry.You choose the first option if you want to be an engineer and the second one is for the would-be docs.

The kid is about 16 years old then.For the next two years it is endless cramming.Then 4 more years of B Tech or 5.5 years of MBBS(Medicine).By the time the kid graduates he is about 22-24.He works for a couple of years.The first few years are the most challenging.By the time he is 26~27  his marriage is fixed with a nice bourgeoise woman(these days ,more often than not,a working lady).

First few years of marriage are very demanding ~tackling the in-laws and what not.Couple of years down the line  our couple have a kid or two.And then...and then what?It is like Schopenhauer never existed.

You know how The Wall ends and begins with the same musical score.

Now what you are doing are true mathematical studies.Not to be compared with what is happening in the universities.

I feel extremely privileged to be able to read your posts-it is like getting to read WWR way back 1814 while Schopenhauer was still writing it.

They mock me all the time.What saves me?My protective armour of introversion.My suggestion to you is that you should never ever get a job again ,if possible.It is just not worth it.

Maybe you could get the delivery of the groceries at your house if that is not expensive so that you are safely away from the sight of the go-rts.

You are a great role model.We would have the last laugh.

PS:What I was trying to say was-I turned out to be an anomaly in their system.Since I was teenager I somehow developed a very instinctive grasp as regards the true nature of existence.No doubt I could not verbalise it as well you and Schopenhauer could but I knew something was very wrong somewhere~I could see the perfumed corpse.I could smell the stinking rot beneath the apparent sweet aroma.I am a freak of nature.Again,please do try to stay away from any sort of job as long as possible. Sheer existence itself is  work enough.

I do hope and pray that you  are not forced to become a wage slave again  and that you continue to find some sort of solace in Math.
Sorry for the typos.I typed it out over my "smart" phone .

Keep well and keep studying maths.

PPS:In those X-Men movies the "normal "human beings aka gorts are trying to kill off all the mutants all the time.Well,I think that is not science fiction we really ARE the X-Men. You ,of course,are Wolverine-Steppenwolf.