{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

I think that there is an element of defiance in my renewed obsession with specific core subjects of mathematics and physics.  These subjects are associated with careers in science and engineering.  Maybe, when I finally reached the goal of graduating from the university back in 2002, already fairly "old" (35), when it began to dawn on me that I was not suited for corporate employment, I believed that all that education had been in vain.  So, I sunk into a depression and rebelled in self-destructive ways.

Now I approach those same subjects with an entirely different attitude.  I am still rebelling, but now in a fairly healthy manner.  I now study defiantly.  I do not use the word defiantly lightly.   Now, even if I feel, for whatever reason (for all I know it is my own fault just for being a cantankerous pessimist and anitcapitalist) that there is no place for me as a professional scientist, I want to study to develop as a thinking human being, a problem solving higher order primate.

I think Schopenhauer would encourage me to indulge in these studies.  For one, he had great respect for physics.  Another aspect has to do with experimentation.  Perhaps due to the pressure to prepare students for technical work in industry and business, the way these subjects are taught can be haphazard, where students do a great deal of cramming, graduating filled with doubt and very little confidence.

Maybe I wish I had this attitude back in 2003 when I first went on welfare for emergency assistance, but, I went on a downward spiral.  It is what it is.  Now, even though I have all the textbooks I will want to study, I found myself repeated the same scenario, trying to study 6 subjects at once.  Now, here is where the defiance comes in.  There is no need to proceed in this manner. 

I have going to stick to some kind of plan stretching from January 2016 into the summer throughout the autumn, and well into 2017, maybe even stretching into 2018.

Maybe my notes on this process will be more meaningful to some youth of the future than some kind of existential novel or collection of diatribes against being born.

The acquisition of the hard copy textbooks motivates me to remain stable and grounded.  To be blunt, the little library encourages me to "nest", to settle down for a good decade.  This will also serve my mother well, since she requires a companion at this time in her life. 

I lost the notes I kept from the university, so I am making these notes even better, hoping that I will have yet another opportunity to review this stuff, this time using notes which are more explicit than just haphazardly "searching the Internet".

In the past I have associated defiance with drunkenness, drums, and loud guitars ... Dionysus.

Now I suspect that studying math and science, when there is no motivation to become a working "scientist" may be a kind of stubborn defiance.  I will be developing skills that are useless for making money, acquiring security, automobile, et cetera.  I know that would sound like a false statement to the youth who associate scientific education with careers as nuclear physicists for the military.

In a world where professional athletes and TV celebrities are worshiped, studying for the purpose of filling one's head rather than one's bank account is a defiant way of life, all things considered.

In this way I am intend to flip the script.   Rather than be made to feel like an intellectual deadbeat non-breeding pariah of society, in my own mind, at least, I can live a somewhat heroic life ... where the hero happens to be an antihero in terms of not representing the wealth-warped values of his contemporaries.

There is one slight aspect of the autodidactic method:  when there is a mistake in the solution manual, a glaring fundamental inconsistency, this can cause unnecessary frustration.

It can be something very fundamental, such as a 2x3 matrix times a 3x1 vector yielding a result with dimensions 3x1 when you know the result should be 2x1.

The only good thing I have to say about such blunders is that encountering them can be a test of one's confidence.  What is one to do?  Complete the problem anyway, or move onto the next one?