I understand Holden. I am not sure how this universe constructs itself, but I think that our communications might be of the sort that won't be easily kept track of in space-time. I'll peck away to preserve any work I have done [in between current explorations/projects]. When I found myself starting to scan one of the "math modules" notebooks, I realized that, I still haven't really made accessible the oh-so-personal pdf copies of the journals I burnt.
You have them, but, now I have been asking myself what it is I am afraid of at this point (as far as putting them in the archives for the future). I feel that througout some of the earlier journals, notes about my struggle to fit an "intellectual life" in somewhere to the life of a park maintenance laborer might give you a clue as to how you will have to just wait for your mind to discover such moments that you can "follow your bliss".
Do not feel obligated to keep up with any kind of regiment, not when it comes to this discussion board. I will go about my business, and should you have ANY questions in particular about something specific, then I might see if one of my notebooks might help, or even a section of a notebook. Then I can upload to the Wayback Machine.
One day I would like to scan all my mathematics notebooks onto the archive so that they will be there for the seeker of tomorrow, even if the poor bastard is stationed on the goddamn moon. The math will still be worth getting into for someone, and I like to imagine that someone feeling very grateful to me, even as I will be long dead. I feel I owe it to this particular someone in the future to get these notes archived; but it would take so long, and it may never get done. I am not in control of anything, just a puppet doing what it does.
I'll preserve them as best as I can, putting in storage were I ever to become homeless again, and then someone might read some make-shift poor man's will to the effect that I would like the notebooks taken to the high school in Lincroft, New Jersey I went to in 1981-1985 so that the Math Department and Computer Science Department might contact Houghton-Mifflin or whoever about the feasibility of a reimagining of the Dolciani series with C++ programming exercises .... or maybe no publishers will be necessary, and the notebooks themselves could be used for a special experimental curriculum.
As long as I am still alive, there is the chance I will be able to self-publish the mathematics series simply as my own notes of my interaction with the texts. It would involve no money or copyright - none of that business shiit. It need not even be officially stamped with the approval of any established authority of the day.
If I can pull it off before I croak, I will have pulled off something very cool; if not, at least I tried (even though it appears that I am moving in slow motion, another few years and who knows?). It most likely will not be accomplished by any "business-as-usual" methods ... but by methods a bit more mysterious ...
Also, I understand how difficult it is to get any respect from this world, especially on an intellectual level. Oftentimes I find it best just to let others claim I am "shot out" or "autistic" or "whatever it takes for them to see my intellect as a harmless joke" --- rather than demand respect. Sometimes I have to be content with "love," even though I prefer respect.
Holden, people would be more comfortable to see me as "retarded" --- I know that it is maddenning for you, the disparity between your intellect and your social status (position in office and family). I really think that your own private written observations about your society, yes, even AGAINST your society, even if you are sneaking the notes down during the day and polishing them up at night .... that will be your revenge.
You are fighting for your inner life. Nothing less. It's not all black and white. That is, your body can report to your place of employment, but part of your mind is always going to be there for your personal "amusement" ...
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