It turns out I need to stay here for an hour more. See, feeling depressed/angry/fearful is not that bad, that is when I do most of my writing. It just really makes me to write a lot.So, like I was saying-two things are clear to me:1. Existence is terrible .2. Existence may never end.
So, what I am trying to say is that I do not wish to delude myself with the fantasies about any supposed"void". I wish to see this existence to the bitter end(Funny word-end). I really do not care about dying.Hell, it might surprise you but even terrible pain is something which I am learning to withstand. I am a naked ape-why bother? The objective of life is to ensure that we do not want life as Schopenhauer says. But I do not want to be a cry baby or an emo. Yes, I say it aloud-no Nirvana, No salvation, No merger with the God for me.I say to existence- throw your worst at me, throw leprosy, and AIDS and cancer and hard prison time at me.Yes, I would weep-that happens by itself and there is very little I can do about it. But what matters to me is I should stop deluding myself with any notion of any kind of salvation.
No salvation, not now, not ever. In fact, the pain wakes me up from the sense of complacency which develops very fast in a man.Mind you, I am not making a fetish out of suffering but my friend,the pain which comes my way on its own, I don't wish to kick it away either.Pain and suffering are despised my everyone-I herewith proclaim that I will embrace these two orphans-not for a day or two, but for as long as Existence(capital E), last. Yes, like a loving father I hug pain and suffering.
They want me to feel afraid and for a moment or two, I do end up feeling afraid.But not in the long term. No. Do they think I cannot withstand hunger pang or the pinch of thirst. I shall prove them wrong.