This Exceptionally Peculiar Loser's Club

General Category => Why Work? => Topic started by: Holden on December 21, 2018, 08:04:27 am

Title: Puppet Wept (Herr Kaspar)
Post by: Holden on December 21, 2018, 08:04:27 am
Why Work?

There  is no other alternative  for me and for the likes of me. I see myself as a small fly who can be crushed under boot. Who can be very easily smashed. People are creating trouble  for me again and it is only a matter of a few more weeks before I am once again transferred-back again to one of the  tiny Indian hamlets. I don't mind the  remote location but where ever I go I end up getting into some kind of trouble due to the people around me.

You wanna know what I am trying to do? When I get some bad news( like I am about to get some kind of memo), I become afraid and teary eyed.The puppet weeps.That is normal. I feel diminished. My headaches and so  does my tooth.What I wanna do ,Herr Kaspar, is to look at myself from the roof of the room-as in some out of body experience. I want to see a man sitting in the chair down below and he is crying-he is in pain.

They really are after me ,Herr Kaspar. I am afraid they might put me in a situation which might  put a question mark over my very being. But,then again, being cannot be nullified. I  want to understand my emotions. Of course they  would like to kill me off.Once I am not there,they would feel much better.But my mind boggles. I cannot think straight. Please ,allow me to underscore, I believe in no benign deity.

I have to say in my darkest hours-it  is Schopenhauer who come to my rescue,he is the one who provides me with solace.Life is but  a bad  dream. A very bad dream. But Herr Kaspar,unlike Nietzsche who took comfort in the thoughts of suicide,I really, truly, want to stare at life's face-even  if  it  should  blind me. I want to say to existence,yes, will all the pain and all the suffering, I still refuse to take the  way  of a fantasist.
I want ,really to,say  "Yes, Existence, even with all the pain and all the suffering, I refuse to buckle under pressure and say that I  want it all to end-the  desire to end it all  is the desire I wish to end.The desire for salvation is the desire I want to fight against.I will   sleep  in the cold  on streets,and wear torn clothes and eat food out of the dust bin,but I refuse to lie to myself and say to myself that it can all end. No.

Really, Herr Kaspar,why  delude oneself. Existence may never end. We might very well be stuck with it for good.Well, I am going home. Will write to you again after about  an hours. Some very important things.
Title: Re: Puppet Wept (Herr Kaspar)
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior on December 21, 2018, 08:40:13 am

Do you know why I like the image of this Gollum creature?

Some speculate that Beowulf's Grendel could have been an inspiration for Gollum due to the many parallels between them such as their affinity for water, their isolation from society due to personal choices, and their bestial description.

Like you, the idea of suicide has never brought me any solace.  I know that both Nietzsche and his severe critic, Cioran, both had good things to say about the value of the idea of suicide, how it helps just knowing we are choosing to endure this life, although Cioran says that we always kill ourselves too late.   These writers think they're so damn clever.

Anyway, why I prefer to identify with this bestial character?   It helps me in a way that may also help you.   How to explain? 

When you say, "I will   sleep  in the cold  on streets, and wear torn clothes and eat food out of the dust bin, but I refuse to lie to myself and say to myself that it can all end," I think you are displaying something similar.  Maybe we can call it "embracing the ugly truth."

Merging with the Ugliness of Living ...  In this way, we might allow ourselves to become evil enough to accept the evil inherent in the nature of existing.   Myself, I possess some ugly feelings which are most violently provoked at the thought of great self-deception, phony lovey-dovey nonsense, and generally any attempts to hide the ugly nature of living.

So you are being "shipped" out to a more rural area by "the company"?

Do you imagine this will be worse for you than living in a more cosmopolitan environment?  I am sorry you are being tormented in the work-force.   It is an ugly reality.  I know we each have different fates, different experiences; but I can tell you that I was most content as a maintenance worker for the park service as I had a great amount of time to myself, was given orders in the morning and then usually left alone.   When working with others, well, I tried my best to get along, but - what a strange animal I am!   I mean, I really hate the kinds of things others discuss ... god damn, I become angry just thinking about it.

Even though you report weeping, I am glad to hear from you.  Consider it a smoke signal.   This is a nightmare world, yes.   You once advised me to stay in my room and not venture out.   I explained that I had to walk to get groceries (and booze) ... well, now I mostly stay in when possible.   I wish there were a way for you to circumvent this situation, but as long as you are tied to your employer (owner), you will have to find ways to endure it.   I suggest embracing the wretched experiences, allowing yourself to weep, and maybe even trying to document how you actually feel.  There are others who come after you who might appreciate your perspective on the situation you are in.

Many pass through this realm leaving no commentary.
Title: Re: Puppet Wept (Herr Kaspar)
Post by: Holden on December 21, 2018, 08:49:09 am
It turns out I need to stay here for an hour more. See, feeling depressed/angry/fearful is not that bad, that is when I do most of my writing. It just really makes me to write a lot.So, like I was saying-two things are clear to me:1. Existence is terrible .2. Existence may never  end.

So, what I am trying to say is that I do not wish to delude myself with the fantasies about  any supposed"void".  I wish to see this existence to the bitter end(Funny  word-end). I really do not care about dying.Hell, it might surprise you but even terrible pain is something which I am learning to withstand.  I am a naked ape-why bother? The objective of life is to ensure that we do not want life as Schopenhauer says. But I do not want to be a cry baby or an emo. Yes, I say it aloud-no Nirvana, No salvation, No merger with the God for me.I say to existence- throw your worst at me,  throw leprosy, and AIDS and cancer and hard prison time at me.Yes, I would weep-that happens by itself and there is very little I can do about it. But what matters to me is I should stop deluding myself with any notion of any kind of salvation.

No salvation, not now, not ever. In fact, the pain wakes me up from  the sense of complacency which develops very fast in a man.Mind you, I am not making a fetish out of suffering but my friend,the pain which comes my way on its own, I don't wish to kick it away either.Pain and suffering are despised my everyone-I herewith proclaim that I will embrace these two orphans-not for a day or two, but for as long as Existence(capital E),  last. Yes, like a loving father I hug pain and suffering. 

They want me to feel afraid and for a moment or two, I do end up feeling afraid.But  not in the long term. No. Do they think I cannot withstand hunger pang or the pinch of thirst. I shall  prove them wrong.

Title: Re: Puppet Wept (Herr Kaspar)
Post by: Holden on December 21, 2018, 10:04:40 am
Van Gogh ends his letters with the phrase-a handshake in thought.I really would have liked to get to shake your hand at least once in person but I will be very expensive for me to travel to your place.No, my parents would never allow me to leave my job.

Something funny-whenever I am sad I sort of start reading van Gogh biography.Over these last few years I have written about my pain and anguish to you.I must be an honest man according to Henry Fool,for I am always in trouble:)
I am working 12 hours a day and still that is not good enough.Today I was so tired that I thought my eyes would pop out and my head will explode.I would like to write the whole night long tonight.
I read this French novel about a prisoner on death row and how he is to be executed very soon.I sorta feel like him.

Nature itself wants me to be in pain.Nature itself.Are human beings not a part of the nature?And if a man attacks me-would I be wrong were I to say that nature itself is attacking me?That nature itself wants to finish me off?But no-I too am a part of nature.Nature is fighting with itself.Nature is stabbing itself.

A man today said that I have insulted the President himself.There are so many people around who dislike me strongly.
Title: Free-Flowing Mood Disorder
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior on December 21, 2018, 04:29:16 pm

I appreciate the update on your important philosophical conclusions, especially this proclamation to cease looking for salvation and coming to terms with the possibility that Existence may not have a beginning or an end.

Quote from: Holden
feeling depressed/angry/fearful is not that bad, that is when I do most of my writing. It just really makes me to write a lot.  So, like I was saying-two things are clear to me:1. Existence is terrible .2. Existence may never  end.

I have noticed that every now and then I become a little depressed about the apparent futility of my endeavors, when I suspect that any progress I am making is an illusion, that I retain very little of what I learn, or that there is a possibility that I am quite insane, only imagining that "studying math is never a waste of time," that is, that it may very well be a waste of time, a total and complete waste of time.

This can be considered a kind of fear or anxiety.  What I do when feeling this way is that I stubbornly refuse to care (about wasting time).   I allow myself to embrace "wasting my life studying math".   I would not care if my obsession with working through mathematics texts were diagnosed as a symptom of some kind of psychiatric "mood disorder". 

I was doing research about "disability benefits for mental illness" in India, and only found a couple documents.  I can fully appreciate why someone experiencing extreme moods and psychological pain would be hesitant to seek a "professional psychiatric diagnosis" since these "disabilities" are grouped as "mental disabilities" which might mistakenly be perceived as similar to some kind of cognitive disability, as in actual retardation.   This is an unfortunate consequence built into the taxonomy of categorizing mental disorders.   Myself, I am highly functioning, and I have often suspected something sinister behind the practice of psychiatric diagnoses, maybe even as a strategy for discrediting an honest and intelligent individual.   Depending on how one looks at it, the diagnosis might even be political in nature if we broaden our definition of politics.   We are political animals.

To seek a psychiatric diagnosis for the purpose of being granted a monetary allowance so as to decrease the pressures to seek employment, when employment can cause distress, well, some may question the ethics of this kind of consenting to being categorized as disabled.   Here in the United States, it has become a widespread phenomenon for huge segments of the population to receive monthly payments due to such psychiatric diagnoses as mood disorders.   It would appear that many prefer the degradation, low social status, and potential to be perceived as "lazy," than to just accept willy-nilly the economics of wage-slavery.

I wonder if you would ever prefer to accept such a diagnosis as an alternative to continuing to endure the harassment and psychological torture that seems to run rampant in the workforce.

I understand that, from what you say here, that this would be viewed as disgraceful by your family.

Perhaps what I mean by the term, evil, when I suggest a need to become ever-so-slightly more evil, is not the common meaning, as in causing others harm for your own gain, but merely just evil enough to overcome the tyranny of public opinion ( and look for a way out of the 12-hour day hamster wheel you are trapped running on.

My entire perspective toward studying mathematics is radically divorced from any notion of professionalism or becoming useful brain-power for some kind of high-tech software company.  In fact, I am pefectly content to allow the world to view me as a useless "retarded genius."

As long as you are running on that hamster wheel, you will continue to live that Kafkaesque nightmare.   On the other hand, since, as you have pointed out that there may be no salvation, even after removing the demand to report to a job you hate, there is still the discomfort of existence, with all the mood swings and opportunities for experiencing extreme anxiety and existential fear.

I try to defy that anxiety (about the future, concerns about the threat of homelessness, wandering in the street imagining all my books and notebooks getting mercilessly devoured by the rains, that is, destroyed by Nature) by just continuing to study as though I haven't got a care in the world.

I allow myself to be "mentally ill."

I know that the term is nausiatingly "medical" and "official".

I prefer the old fashioned terminology.  I'm nuts ... I'm out there ...  I, I, I, me, me, me?

The big joke is that our entire global civilization is insane, and those of us who are honest enough to come to terms with our own personal "mental illness" could very simply be the least deluded about our general predicament.   This is another case where "Nothing that is so, is so."

The true pyschopaths may climb the ladder to reach high positions of social status and "power".

Not only this, but those who do as they are coached, those who "keep their eye on the ball," are forever distracted, may never be inclined to inspect the contents of their own minds.  They may know the score of the game and all the statistics, but they do not know themselves. 
Title: Re: Puppet Wept (Herr Kaspar)
Post by: Silenus on December 23, 2018, 10:04:29 am
In all things laborious and futile, I will be uttering a new mantra to myself:

Into the grave I will fall, as useless as when I fell from out the womb.
Title: Re: Puppet Wept (Herr Kaspar)
Post by: Silenus on February 03, 2019, 04:37:03 pm
Today, while looking at photos of myself as a child, smiling on-command alongside my parents, I could only think of myself as a fresh, shiny new puppet.
Title: Re: Puppet Wept (Herr Kaspar)
Post by: Holden on February 05, 2019, 01:03:00 am

The world is an inextricable tangle of contradictions of the most tragic negativity. -Julius Bahnsen