Schopenhauer's Disciples

General Category => CODA => Topic started by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on November 29, 2019, 02:29:54 pm

Title: The H Diaries
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on November 29, 2019, 02:29:54 pm
I am uploading some of the "salvaged scribblings" to The Wayback Machine in case I should croak or be injured to the point of not being able to do this.   Most the juicy or all-too-private details such as directions to bat caves and what-not are ashes in the earth, and only small fragments were digitized.   Sorry to disappoint.  It's mostly "bookish" stripped of huge chunks (such as 1995/1996).  So, why bother?

I don't know.  Some people like exploring some old handwritten diaries of madmen, who knows?
Many of the salvaged pages are notes taken from other sources, that is, like Ignatius Reilly's "copybooks".

County Jail Scribblings 1987, age 20 (

I would be embarrassed to upload all my "digitized before destroyed" PIGSHIIT, but, I do have enough humility to allow others to see how poor my spelling was at age 20.   :-[

Retaining the Trance (1988) (

I'm not sure I will want to continue to upload personal diaries from long ago to archive DOT org as that would mean a great deal of tedium, but sometimes, when mildly depressed, such a task can get me through a day since it prevents me from moving from one "exercise" to another; that is, it gives me a break from my current obsessions.     

You can download them from there, although I am not sure why anyone would be interested in personal notes written by someone I was over 30 years ago (besides this aging bag of bones, that is).

Beyond the Bounds of Time (1988) (

There are only 18 pages saved from H-17 (1989), but p15 is of interest as I mention Schopenhauer for the first time in my notes:

Spiritual Equillibrium (1989) see page 15 (

The Teachings My Blood Whispers to Me (1989) (

NOTE TO SELF:   Please do not upload H-19_1989.   Although it does contain details of when I was hired by the Park Service, it also has parts about Mom's nervous breakdown, sensitive details, people's names in Park Service (including last names) and some folks from my hometown whose privacy ought to be respected.

NEXT:  Runelore in H-20 (1990) (

H-21 (1990) ( (Part II of previous notebook (H20), A Dialogue with the Inward Forces)

H-23 (1991): Diary of a Madman (

H-24 (1991): Diary of a Madman 2 ( (curriculum: Schopenhauer)

H-25 (1991): Schopenhauer Disciple (

H-26 (1991): 0 = oo first "futhark F" (

H-27 (1991): 0 = oo : second futhark (

H-28_I (1991): 0 = oo : third futhark "thurisaz" (

H-30 (1992): An Intellectual Rebirth (

H-31 (1992):  Qualitas Occulta (

REMOVED to protect privacy of intimates:  H-32 (1992):  [NOTES FROM THE ABYSS] :: Crazy Ghost Speaks

H-33 (1992) :  Crazy Ghost Speaks II
too private to be uploaded (contact Holden of whybother via private message if Hentrich is no more)

H-34 (1992):  Cerebral Reflections (

H-35 (1992/1993) : Writings 35 has no title (

H-36 and H-37 (1991) and (1993) (

H-38 (1993) : Scribblings 1 (

H-39 (1993) : [Notes on the Dilemma of Existence]  Scribblings 2 (

H-40 (1993) WRITINGS 40 (

H-41 (1993) : WRITINGS 41  (

H-42 (1994): Green Record Book :  ALPHA (  (91 pages)  about 20% salvaged

H-43 (1995): 5% salvaged Record Book :  BETA (http://)

* must have been one hell of a year, Mikey - the entire book turned to ashes so much for authentic autobiographical material~ haha!!!   (just some math made it through the censors, and even the math is just so much voodoo bullshiit)

H-44 (1996): 5% salvaged Record Book :  GAMMA (

* (this 500 hundred pager also went up in flames in the Holy Fire --- an abundance of inequities and private matters, not just my own privacy at stake, and so, for the sake of others in my life, I had to do the honorable thing and tell Art and Literature to go to hell, with all the respect and ceremony I could muster.)

Looks like 1995 and 1996 are "lost years" for literary archeologists. 

H-45 (1996) : Scribblings DELTA (The Underworld) (

H-46 (Winter 1997) : Scribblings EPSILON :: Wotan Rising (

H-47 (Spring 1997) :  [Notes on My Existence] INWARDNESS (Scribblings Zeta?) (

H-48 (1997/2004): Chomping at the Bit as the Book of Wonder Continues (

(32 pages salvaged connects some dots within the chaos of living)

H-49 (Spring 1997) :  DISCORDIA (only 19 pages salvaged) (

H-50 (June 1997) :  (

(55 pages)

Title: Re: The H Diaries
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 02, 2019, 11:28:08 pm
H-51 (1997) [Brainwaves from MCCI, Freehold] (  68 pages
Damn it.  This is more difficult than I imagined.   It's history.   And yet, there are the psychological profiles of various inmates

H-52 (1997)  :  Reflections Upon My Inner Condition [Turning Point Treatment Center] (  (79 pages)

H-53 (1998)  ::  RAW REALITY (

H-54 (1998) : Preservation of Mental Freedom (   (19 pages)

H-55 (1998) :  Surgit Amori Aliquid (Something Bitter Arises) (  (31 pages)

H-56 (1998) :  P E N E T R A L I A (

H-57  (1998) :  cybergnostic mutant (  {
     evidence of engagement with community college
           ASSEMBLER LANGUAGE course
               having transformative influence:
               Instructor Marv Weisberg
               mutual respect, and I easily defered to his authority,
               - even with the flu we all endured that winter,
                   I was able to embrace moving the data
                   [nickles, dimes, quarters]
                   in some assembler language for main-frames
                   was still a mind-shifting experience
 (on page 12 of 35 saved pages, I wrote:
                    "I really want to transcend antiSemitism.")

H-58  (1999) :  Coming Around Full Circle ( [0.258 salvaged = 129 p]  {
       includes review of concepts for calculus;

H-59  (1999) : Scientia est Potentia ( [140 pages]  {
       includes more in depth review of concepts for calculus;
          intermixed with Introductory Physics notes;

H-60  (2000) : Ghost in the Machine ( [53 pages]  {
             includes more notes on Physics [II]
             and a little Java;  as well as "Operating Systems"
             all at community college = quite intimate classroom;
             (transitional phase ...
               suicidal ideations if I did not get grant
               to attend University)

H-61 (1998) :  Out From the Deep (  (81 pages)

H-62 (2000)  ::  Organic Computer ( (60 pages slavaged)

H-63 (2000) : Embracing Complexity (  (61 pages salvaged) {
        includes interesting notes about "Multivariable Calculus";
                interspersed with challenging Linear Algebra concepts;
                    along with "suicidal ideations"

H-64 (2000) : Inner Space (
 (22 pages, just some basic computer architecture notes)

H-65 (2001) : DIARIUM (
 (22 pages: linux biosphere and pointers in C)
     [Forest, a cat with me since 1992, dies]
Title: The H Diaries [2002-2004]
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 04, 2019, 10:03:59 pm
MISSING H-66 (2002) : green 500-page hard-cover record book missing

*** along with entire set of [14] European-style notebooks with various courses fit for professors to instruct a class with.  One professor offered to purchase the notes I compiled from his lectures.  I refused.  That set went missing while i was out in Seattle checking on nephew's sanity - mom sold house, all my possessions [including library] in basement.   Maybe The Techgnostic Scribblings, which would have my name all over it, throughout the series, might have gotten mixed up with the books "donated" to the church on the corner of Manalapan Ave and Main Street Freehold USA North America Earth (by the way, that is the answer to "where on earth could they be?")
I know I have been a fool.   
Twice the fool for documenting my foolishness.

                    To preserve the ordered chaos
 in chunks of logbooks ... mad experiment

        the outcome of which I won't likely be alive to witness.
    Maybe the academics will find such a raw approach disturbing
            to their false sense of "passing the torch" -
                  or even having ever been passed such a "torch."

H-67 (2003) :  DIARIUM [scratch-pad] #67  ( {
      36 salvaged packed tight ---> computer architecture flip-flops
      Prince Mishkin Idiot behavior wooing unattainable
      and then cool tangent into Latin and Greek IDEA
      (p23-27 of 36)
      very deep, inspired by woman. 
      I mistook Muse for romantic feeling, but
      was mostly just more symptoms
      of my Dostoevskian-Idiot-Prince status
      holy fool, "touched in the head," clown of the town
      --- but Nothing that is so, is so.
      I upload these willingly as a celebration
     of such a thing as "an inner life" -
     Still, with respect, my apologies if I was rude.

H-68 (1995/2003) : Volumes of the Hex :: 1 (  (50 pages salvaged)

[not uploaded for privacy] H-69 (2003)
     : Volume III of Volumes of the Hex  (66 pages salvaged)  {
        Secret Swedish "dippa" recipe;
        Letter to Black Elks Club on Throckmorton Street
        about "Basic Call to Consciousness"
        Crazy Ghost becomes Fantasma Insano
        rudimentary Spanish/English;

H-70 (2003) :  4th Hex  ( {
      some of what was censored above
          comes around full circle, polished;
       Please ignore corny rhymes;
       Notes on Quinn (Daniel) |--->  B =?= H;

H-71 (2003)  :  5th Hex   ( Overview Umbrella {   [38 pages]
          good Spanish/English basic guide;
          p6.  Discussion of  "mental illness"
             (Pirsigian [philosophical] view of)
          otherwise, corny rhymes;
          SCHOPENHAUER ++DISCIPLE;         

H-72 (2003) :: 6th Hex : MOON DAY (  (26 pages)

H-73 (2003) : The Seventh Volume of the Hex (  (29 pages)  {
              p4: definition: dread := inward passion;

H-74 (2003) : The Eigth Volume of the Hex (  (44 pages)  {
              gortbusters: ground zero

H-75 (2003) : "Negativistic" (  (22 pages)  {
               peculiar research:
                            negativistic personality as Steppenwolf?
                            Spain vs Indio;
                            anthro: division of geno-types?; 
                           // pardon my ignorance

H-76 (2003) : hex X (

H-77 (2003) :  DIARIUM Scratchpad #77 ( {   
  // could be of practical use ***
        math survival guide
        helpful reminders for speaking
                         "Spanish" i.e., using hand gestures
        eye contact and facial expressions  ;)

H-78 (2003) : World Within (

H-79 (2004) : Wonder Continues ( (39 pages) {
             research during breakdown;

Diarium-80 from [Red Bank, NJ] 2004
 :----> Lost (in 2009) out in King County, outside of Seattle, Washington
(lost at bus stop, then freaked out)

Diarium-81 (2004) : My Cosmic Work (  (48 pages salvaged)

H-82 (2003) : Mentalistic Mayhem (  (73 pages salvaged) {
       (reading D.Quinn in welfare motel, // no longer exists
          Farmingdale, NJ);
      - fuzzy copy ... template for empire gb;
        consider "lost" as I botched the 2015 copy  :-\

H-83 (2004) : The First and Last of My Nation (  {  (44 pages)
               83:1 "Schopenhauerian Ko Mu So"
                  also, conspiracy paranoid theories
                  that took courage just to wonder about
                  *** Thanks Herr Vonnegut for S-5++ ***  ::) :P :-*
                 p24 : { a person cannot indefinitely avoid
                               his true self. Anxiety intrudes;  }
              83:2 p26 "How to get through a life
                         not worth living
                      83:3 etc ... more dumb rhymes
                      and phenomenological pig-shiit;
                  gem --> p40 : be prepared
                           to be defeated by life;
              p42:  Rational Recovery?

H-84 (2004) : The One Who Knows Himself ( (42 pages)

H-85 (2005) :: DIARIUM #85 (

Title: BRAINWAVES and Haphazard Transitions
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 06, 2019, 01:08:11 am
H-86 (2005)  [BRAINWAVES]"My Struggles" (  {  (100 pages)
           Haphazard Transitions -
                  from Asbury Park to Matawan;

H-87 (2005) : Blessings of the State ( (53 pages)

H-88 (2005) : Snap Back, Snap Break (  (21 pages)

H-89 (2005) : Summer (  (15 pages salvaged)

H-90 (2005)  100% destroyed

H-91 (2005) : Radical Phenomenological Psychoanalysis, Volume One (   (26 pages)

___________________________________P A U S E_____________

(not to be taken very seriously; tongue in cheek?
in the spirit of Principia Discordia ( and The Black Iron Prison (; but
rather than "a religion disguised as a joke,"
this would be more of a "joke disguised as science," or "science disguised as a joke;" whichever shoe fits best.)

idea:  journals as extraordinarily long suicide notes? 
         the public diary (edited private diary) as an attempt to communicate
          to "abstract humanity" - even if post-humous.
         Even when folks used to get hung in public,
         they got to talk to the public for an entire hour!
         Woooooo Weeeeeeee;  maybe I heard wrong.

Children learn to tell jokes and make silly faces just to be listened to by adults.
After many years, when the child is an old man, he farts to keep people away from him.
My journals are my fart.  Sorry, I like the smell of my own.  I like to read them, but they are my interests --- others have their own interests.  I display some pages from each to give someone who might have much to keep track of over their lifetime of transformations an example of how they might capture parts before burning the mother load for privacy --- that is, also, to protect loved ones from harsh words written while processing the sometimes tormenting emotions of the Will, especially when it has been thwarted.

As embarrassing as one might think it is to expose something that when started was 100% private, it helped me to express "forbidden thoughts" ...__________________________________________

I would like to continue, but the process is time-consuming, and I have torn myself from my Muse for too many consecutive days.   I don't trust my family to do any of this should I croak out of the blue.   Still, while living, I have other interests besides "communicating with humanity" via literature and my articulations of how I have processed "reality" in this lifetime.

I understand all written words might be taken out of context and used to defame a person.

When one feels they have no "social status" to lose, this affords him a great deal of liberty.

Also, not belonging to any secret or public "club", not even a group of friends, no one demanding I protect an image, no one to impose their paralyzing fears of public opinion on me.   They can remain scared shiitless of Big Brother and Big Sister for the rest of their lives; but, seeing as anyone could die any day in the insane traffic throughout the Industrial World, why not expose your inner worlds to one another?   Surely, in an age when people are afraid cyber thieves are going to steal their identity, it is wise to edit carefully when doing the RAW approach to reaching your small future audience.

Does anyone understand why it takes courage to follow Arthur Schopenhuaer's council to write publicly using one's name, and not to hide?   It is frightening to stand alone before the mob, before the hordes, before the ignorant who might hate someone just for thinking what they have to scribble matters enough to fill space in a book.

Alas, they are only words something I want to leave for the world to peek at when I'm dead, and I have no one to trust with the job.  One has to do these things while one is still a living man.  It's tricky.  It might be fun to haunt the place a little.  The diaries may help the "transmissions" from parallel universes.   God damn, some nights I could use a stiff drink.

If you don't have one eye toward the dirt, you aren't thinking far enough into the future.
Title: Radical Phenomenological PigShit
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 09, 2019, 02:15:36 pm
H-92 (2006) : RPP2 (  (47 pages)  {
      Radical Phenomenological Psychoanalysis :: Volume 2;

H-93 (2006) : RPP3 (  (47 pages)  {
      Radical Phenomenological Psychoanalysis :: Volume 3;

Forgive some double-takes with some pages.  When I remove them, I have to rename each file so as to merge properly in sequential order, which is the tedious kind of task that will wear on my nerves and make it more difficult for me to massage these demons into the medium at hand.

H-94(2006) : RPP4 (  (44 pages)  {
      Radical Phenomenological Psychoanalysis :: Volume 4;
      { towards end: controversial theories (isis theory); }
     /* last pages --> evidence of flaky romantic notions */
     /* which support some of the more radical theories */

H-95 (2006) : RPP5 ( {  (89 pages)
      Radical Phenomenological Psychoanalysis :: Volume V;  // 2006.08.20
      { we are each selfish rascals;
         Madness designates as its opposite, not sanity,
         but stupidity;

H-96 ==> K-2 (between H-126 and H-127) (2008) : H-126.96K2 ( 
(82 pages)  {
      Radical Phenomenological Psychoanalysis :: Volume VI ("Some Poems");

H-97 (2007) : RPP7 (  (57 pages)  {
      Radical Phenomenological Psychoanalysis :: Volume VII;
      A Phenomenology of Self-Deception;
      Lucid Dreaming Techniques p23;

H-98 (2007) : RPP8 (  (43 pages)  {   2008 01 24
      Radical Phenomenological Psychoanalysis :: Volume VIII;
      Notes on THE MACHINE IN OUR HEADS;     

H-99 (2007) : RPP9 (  (25 pages)  {
      Radical Phenomenological Psychoanalysis :: Volume IX;

H-100 (2007) : RPP 10 (  (22 pages)  {   (30 pages)
      Radical Phenomenological Psychoanalysis :: Volume X;
      { Transcendental Indifference; }

H-101 (2007) : RPP 11 (  (19 pages)  {
      The Final Volume of the RPP Series;
      { BEGINS: The Secret Writings of H; }
Title: Schizoanalytic Scribblings
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 10, 2019, 12:21:58 pm
H-102 to H-107 (2007/2008 written in NJ) lost in Seattle area, Vashon Island?  (see nephew - he says they are total pigshiit and I trust his judgement).
see notes in H-132 p96-97;
see notes in H-133 p26, 28, 45;

 I think I was trying to show him proof that I was not "anti-Semitic," to show how I was obsessed with Husserlian Phenomenology, especially the Merleau-Ponty to Abram branch    In fact, I was researching the mystical meanings of the symbols of the aleph-bet, so I had to break through many layers of mental resistance to dig for the mind treasure he offers in The Spell of the Sensuous.  I have more respect for the original oral Hebrew peoples than before.  I see how the meshing with Greek into their alphabet, which incorporated vowels, changed those who inherit this mesh.  We lost touch with the forces of Nature, objectifying the world as representation, mathematizing the cosmos-Natural_World.   In order to gain this technological skill - WRITING with alphanumeric characters - we had to lose something some kind of connection?

The air (psyche) became separate.  I can see how my nephew and his wife might have been offended by parts (I remember writing in 2008) about New Age mentalities that imagine all we have to do is imagine something hard enough, and it will become manifest.  Neither I nor David Abram are very forgiving of fantasist pipe dreaming.  None of my journals are worth much to anyone but me.  That's why I burnt them.  These days my notes have to do, usually, with mathematics or programming.  Suddenly I am compelled to store this stuff for some crazy coders in the future, just in case some poor devils are around who have not yet been automated into underground tunnels.

The point is that, in a diary, one allows oneself to write honestly, even if mistakenly, so, sometimes the diarist is not trust-worthy, sometimes the diarist is drunk.  Sometimes pages are torn out, or there are blood stains from one's own sustained injuries.  The "reader" would have to read everything as "psychology" - read it the way Nietzsche read philosophy - as psychology. 


Quote from: Jared Riggs
Friedrich Nietzsche thought that philosophers were deeply mistaken about the nature and sources of philosophical activity. Where others took themselves to be motivated by a desire to know the truth, Nietzsche charged that his fellow philosophers, motivated by a pathological set of psychological and physiological characteristics, did little more than sublimate and rationalize their own prejudices. In this thesis, I sketch out in further detail and defend the plausibility and significance of this Nietzschean diagnosis of philosophers.

In the meantime, please do not be distracted by these mad scribblings of comic book proportions.  I am having a difficult time getting through the "work" part, putting my few Muses on hold.  The Demon that drove me to save some of these notes COMMANDS I do this "else I will regret not doing it."

This is for "The Organization for the Organized."   This is how I have "stayed calm" (or not).   :-\

H-108 (2008) :  Schizoanalytic Scribblings 8 (  {  (59 pages)
       Notes from AntiOedipus;
       Extracting MADNESS THEORY from Writing and Madness;
       Scrambling the codes in my own mind and hacking into my brain;
       Germany's inferiority complex?  p43 47=46;
       { Nietzsche, like Christ,
                        is not to be admired;
                We don't want to walk their path;
                Read Nietzsche as a schizoanalyst; }

H-109 to H-119 (2008) LOST in Seattle area (Vashon Island)
    - scattered in Jimi Hendrix Land?

next saved: H-120 ---> Summer 2008__________
Title: Re: The H Diaries
Post by: Ibra on December 10, 2019, 04:35:32 pm
Hentrich, that is  a treasure trove. thanks a lot for the upload. I will try to read them later at snail-like pace If I ever can unplug from sucking the civilization tiddies and have some time for myself before the scythe of time. when I was around 13 years, my wish was to never live past 30, but well, here I am still doing my time.

In order to gain this technological skill - WRITING with alphanumeric characters - we had to lose something some kind of connection?
Well I think it is a problem of abstraction, when you go high on the ladder of abstraction you get something neat but inflexible and you lose the nitty gritty freedom at the bottom. house of cards?

The point is that, in a diary, one allows oneself to write honestly, even if mistakenly, so, sometimes the diarist is not trust-worthy, sometimes the diarist is drunk.  Sometimes pages are torn out, or there are blood stains from one's own sustained injuries.  The "reader" would have to read everything as "psychology" - read it the way Nietzsche read philosophy - as psychology. 
This is rather praiseworthy; almost all the writing on the digital sphere and books are meant to impress an audience, but diaries are fresh air. one can be honest at least.

Title: Re: The H Diaries
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 10, 2019, 06:50:50 pm
Thank you, Ibra.  Not many pages from each tome survived my paranoid anxiety, but, taken as a whole, even if a few egos are bruised along the way, if I present it as a "psychological reading," then it may become something of a breath of fresh air, yes, especially when I am a mere memory.  For soon we will be no more, and at least I can give a concentrated "example" of how to juggle several lives together.

Now I will sound like Henry Fool getting some classic saying mixed up, but I am no more the author of these notes than the air is the wind passing through it, as they say.  Like most literature, it is simply a trail pointing to other authors, and many, many notes.  Those are what was salvaged before I set them each, very slowly on fire in a fire pit.   It's kind of "spiritual" I suppose, and between me and "the world."   I am sure to attract some enemies for having the audacity to lay my heart open bare before the entire species, but as much as I could stand to reveal was kept in tact - which, for the most part, is only a small fraction of what has been scribbled.   I have spared the archeologists from having to scour through the details of my inequities and debauchery.    I honestly consider some radical theories, and when I found some kind of contradiction, I made a note of it.   I have alienated many people in my life with my "little remarks."   I try to be careful, but - sometimes it's best to remain silent.   The world of thugs, gangsters, and secret governments are all about codes of secrecy, whereas I must appear to be a real airhead (omega) to such types, the betas following the orders of their alphas.

The reader will witness a scholar struggling to compose himself in human society while also existing as a Steppenwolf.   I think, after having had to skim through to "be sure not too many double-takes," I have a sense of what I have been "struggling with."  It may very well be universal to the human condition, but to each of us, it feels like only we experience the world "schizophrenically."

How could we not?  The animal man may be a natural born schizoid.  I'm just trying to bravely share my notes, even though such a thing is unheard of in machismo infected societies.  No, according to the knuckle-dragging dunces, only "playwrights" keep "diaries," otherwise it is something "girls" do.  And yet, I am living proof that sometimes janitors and semi-skilled maintenance men do as well.

You know, this is all very revealing since the Greeks always used the feminine when referring to the "Spirit" or the Mind.  I don't know, I'm just a make-believe scholar.  What do I know?  I refer to my Muse as that which compels me to continue pecking away at programming and mathematics; but I call the Demon that which commands me to get these notes uploaded to The Wayback Machine.

If in the future, a literate human animal will entertain those scribblings in their minds, then i will have made it to the other side, the side I am usually peering at from the other direction.   I am curious to know if some feelings and thoughts might "live" or "reside" in another mind.  Something whispers to me, "Do not be afraid of revealing your inner-dimensions.  The pages will not be appealing to those it is not intended for, and it will only attract those who might handle the rawness of this inner reality.

No doubt, I will be written off as a madman, as I should be, I suppose.  I don't know how it ends. 

 It's hard to imagine Salinger writing his novel in a fox hole.   

I'm not sure I could find that kind of "composure."  I realized that I am no novelist.  I do not have to be Dostoevsky since I don't have any money to ** g-a-m-b-l-e ** ... no severe life-threatening debt to any dangerous Entities.  I'm certainly no Kafka.  Hell, I am a real lazy bastard in comparison to K.  Hell no.  I'm not THAT kind of writer.   I am the kind of writer that programmers might appreciate when they read my comments in the code.  They learn two ways, from the code itself, reinforced with the comments.   Maybe my diaries are like the comments in "the crazy program that is this life-world," and taken as a whole, others might learn something that I can't possibly learn or benefit from - since I am, after all, inside it.

But others are also inside their own lives.   Who has time to scribble?  It's amazing how one might even have to hide the material as it is written just because many in our lives, in our world in general, cannot stand the fact that we do think thoughts that are not always appropriate.    We live through a great deal of chaos and confusion.     Not many novels are able to get that level of our existence across.  The comical part is the "thinking oneself a genius."  This is the part that forces me to identify with comical characters such as Ignatius Reilly or Henry Fool.

And yet, one is not always in the mood to play the clown, to be the village idiot.   Some of my writing is more coherent than others.   Those snooping in there would be advised that some of the material could be fascinating and distract one from their "duties."   It is always safer for me to play down the intellect, but there is no hiding it from oneself in a diary -- unless I was drunk [those pages were mostly turned to ashes years later].

Lo and behold.  George Orwell was right about scribbling down the forbidden words in our heads.  It is great revenge against the teachers, work associates, etc, who may have abused us or taken us for "mentally soft."    I swear, if they only knew how badly individual thinkers want their voices to be heard.  Back in 1990 or so, when the modems were just firing up, poor old Ted K went through unnecessary means to be read or taken seriously, and he ended up being mocked anyway.  George Carlin claimed that writing was what he enjoyed the most.  He could express his sickest thoughts.  I've been expressing those thoughts for a long, long time.   My first suicide attempt was at age 19, so ... this entire life has been "overtime."   Wait until I collect my pay!

Is it not possible for a poor man to get some respect from this world without resorting to extreme measures which only reveal the actions of a terrified creature?  Maybe the outcome of all these copied pages is beyond my own comprehension, and that the weird way life unfolds will make the pages take on a life of there own, communicating ... jolting ...

I sometimes toss and turn and regret ever having taken up the "habit of writing."
As I said, current notes are mostly entirely technical.  I have too many other outlets (this discussion board being the main one).  Life is too weird.  I could die any day in an "vehicular misadventure" as Thomas Ligotti calls it.  I really would like my saved pages accessible to the poor teenagers of the future who are in search of an honest man, even if that honest man turned out to be F.UCKING NUTS.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  :o   :'(    :D   >:(  :-\  --------------------

Title: The Dark Side
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 10, 2019, 07:07:23 pm
H-120 (2008) :  Madness Theory, Book Two ( (63 pages)

H-121 (2008) : Madness Theory, Book Three ( (97 pages)

H-122 (2008) : The Dark Side, Book One (   (33 pages)

H-123 and H-124 : The Dark Side, Books Two and Three (  (38 pages)

H-125 (2008) : The Book of Spirits  (  (13 pages)

H-126 (2008) : The Secret Papers of the K'o chi moco'o (  (68 pages)
            another mathematics review before leaving New Jersey;
           // by p25 I can see the booze kicking in, inebriation
           // I preserve this for my own memory, so I can see the effects

H-127 (2009) : The Secret Papers of { }, Book 3 ( (47 pages)
            I would never do this again: transcontinental trip
               with only plan: Tent City;
            some math to go over on train;
            I can tell from my writing that the mind is stressed out;

Lost H-128 and H-129 (colorful, special inks used) in Federal Way, WA
H-129 was "The Idiot Papers"
Title: My Truth
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 12, 2019, 01:37:08 am
H-130 (2009) : The Idiot Papers, Book 2 (  (54 pages)

H-131 (2009) : My Truth, Book One (  (77 pages)

H-132 (2009) :  My Truth (Mein Wahrheit), Book Two ( (106 pages)

H-133 (2009) : My Truth, Book Three (   (45 pages)

H-134 (2010) : My Truth, Book Five ( (33 pages)

H-135 (2010) : My Truth, Book Five (  (36 pages)
Title: Winds of Change [2010]
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 15, 2019, 01:29:51 am
H-136 (2010) :  Winds of Change, Book One (  (47 pages)

H-137 (2010) : Winds of Change, Book Two ( (26 pages)

H-138 (2010) : More Jailhouse Scribblings (    (168 pages)
aka "The Insanely Hilarious Autobiographical Manifesto of Mike Hentrich" aka "Sticks and Stones"

H-139 (2010) : Winds of Change, Book Three ( (54 pages)  {
     p40: notes from WWR2 Cynics, Antithenes, Diogenes ...
Title: Ontological Speculations [2010], Terra Incognita [2010/2011]
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 18, 2019, 06:13:54 pm
H-140 (2010) : Ontological Speculations, Book One (   { }  (95 pages)

H-141 (2010) : Ontological Speculations, Book Two (   { }  (58 pages)

H-142 (2010) : Ontological Speculations, Book Three (  (47 pages)
             p23  a step beyond what had gone before; 

H-143 (2010) ::  Terra Incognita, Book One (  (57 pages)
            p4-7: Notes from Shoshana Felman 1985 text; 
            p15: Can Psychological Insight Conquer Evil? {
                         notes from Schopenhauer WWR2:
                                "blue eyes, white mice";
                                 Nature strives to return to dark hair and brown eyes;
           p18: Christian Fascists running Salvation Army?
           p20 double ...
           p35 Notes on RESSENTIMENT
           p45 Africa's shattered world
           p52  signs of return to Computer Science? (after 8 year binge drunk?)

H-144 (2010) ::  Terra Incognita, Book Two (  (40 pages)
         Back to Mathematics via Number Theory?  No -
         Technical interests overshadowed by interests in Artaud
         p20 Schopenhauer on origin of the comical;

I lost H-145 (2010, December) Terra Incognita, Book Three along the shore, Asbury Park, NJ ... around 7th Avenue ... I had it in a backpack, lost the whole thing, just as I had done in Freehold with another volume in 2013 or so.  Who cares?   Not me.

H-146 (2011) ::  Terra Incognita, Book Four (  (83 pages)
             recall last entry of lost H-145: WWR2 Ch XLVIII:
              On the Doctrine of the Denial of the Will to Live,
               the last paragraph;
            voluntary poverty as denial of the will-to-live;
            bhikkhus = mendicants = beggars;
            p30: Notes from The Coming Insurrection;
            p74:  "Humor saves us from self-hatred."   

H-147 (2011) ::  Terra Incognita, Book Five (  (89 pages)
        p7:  Notes from John Trudell speech (1980) (
                (originally I had these notes in the lost H-145)
        p12:  more notes on Artaud;
        p25:  continued analysis of medical psychiatry;
        p69:  Mental Health Industry engages in existential cannibalism;
        p75:  Analysis of chemical addiction;

Title: Scribbling Madness [2011]
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 19, 2019, 10:52:57 pm
H-148 (2011) : Scribbling Madness, Book One ( (74  pages)  {
            p10: Notes from Nell Painter's History of White People;
            p21-30: some mathematics terminology in Spanish;
            p38 (double)
            several psychotic episodes while drunk in Freehold;  :(
            p47: notes from Orwell's Down and Out;
            p50:  notes from final chapter of The History of White People;
            p66-74:  some everyday Spanish/English;

H-149 (2011) : Scribbling Madness, Book Two ( (48 pages) {
     mostly revolving around mother's aortic valve replacement;
     still very much "struggling" with alcoholic tendencies;

H-150 (2011) : Scribbling Madness, Book Three ( (45 pages) {
     p3: colorful definition of fascism;
     p22: exploration of the daimonic (demonic, daemonic);
     p38: exploring concept of "SABOTAGE" in Toole's Dunces
     p41: philosopher-as-artist, philosopher-as-speech;
     p42: diary as reproducing "how we really think";
             { serving as back-up for reconstitution if memory erased;
                 This was the modus operandi of Pirsig in ZMM:
             His "ghost," Phaderus, compels him to read his old notes from before his electric shock treatment in hospital; }
      p44: in the spirit of Marlowe, to be fairly impressed
                with one's wonderous self;
      p45: Meatballs Recipe;                                                                                                 
Title: The Complications of Being-in-Environs [2011/2012]
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 21, 2019, 12:34:08 am
H-151 (2011) : The Complications of Being-in-Environs, Book One (
(71 pages) {
        The Radical Anonymity of Natural Existence;
        eco-phenomenologist?  David Abram (HUGE influence)
        p21: What Schopenhauer represents in sci-fi Mind Parasites?
                 { Colin Wilson, Lovecraftian ? Schopenhauer as seed of extinction? }
      // Makes me {mwh} imagine I am some Mad_Arab-esque phenomenon
      // Hence, updated WARNING on index page of message board
     //  as I realize not all minds are developed enough psychologically
     //  to handle some topics.  This makes the cursive handwriting
     // almost "child-proof" except for the Lisa Simpson type prodigies?
         p27: another crooked landlord?
         p28: Encountering more difficulties in society {
         p31: Confronting a Confederacy of Gorts;
         p32: Abram on "new age spiritualities";
         p33: Notes how "new atheists" unwittingly rely
                   upon the very same monotheistic assumptions
                    that they ostensibly oppose;
          p48: Frantz Fanon's Black Skin, White Masks?
                  { African Phenomenology; }
          p51: Myth Busters :: ? :: Fanon --> quotes Dr. Pales:
                           among black men of Africa, pee-nisss size
                           rarely exceeds 4.6244 inches = 120 millimeters
                           Say what?  What's up with that?
          p53: Fanon says Jung did not go back far enough
          p55: "Gorticide as 'inner-****' killing whitey."
             { continuation of notes from Black Skin, White Masks; }

H-152 (2012) : The Complications of Being-in-Environs, Book Two ( 
(37 pages)  {
           p16: Umbero Eco (2010) The Prague Cemetry
                    (based on a diary of a schizophrenic madman
                        WITH STRONG OPINIONS)
           p17: { } ---> "the void" ---->  NULL;
           p23: "Nature belongs to itself";
           p26: notes from Heismann's 2000 page suicide note;
           p28: Who is Gabrilmati from Van Couver, Canada?
                   { insight into why "people with the least
                        are MOST stressed:
       It is more stressful to be homeless in a capitalist society
           than to be CEO or President of the United States of America;

H-153 (2012) : The Complications of Being-in-Environs, Book Three (
(47 pages)  {
           p4: "Am I already dead?"
           p6: elements of set Resistance {}
           p8: Ignatius Reilly's take on this (JK Toole);
            etc ...
Title: BRAINSTORMS [2012]
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 22, 2019, 12:46:53 am
H-154 (2012) : Brainstorms, Book 1 ( (73 pages) { }

H-155 (2012) : Brainstorms, Book 2 ( (74 pages)  {
           p11:  Broken tibia and fibular bones in leg;
           p22:  German pronunciation;
           p25:  German/English/Spanish (a few tricks is all it is);
           p29-31:  The Steppenwolf Notes (1-4);
           p33-37: The Steppenwolf Notes (5-9);
           p47: The Steppenwolf Notes (10);
           p49-51: The Steppenwolf Notes (11-13);
           p52:  How to handle collection agencies;
           p53: The young healthy bird feeding old blind bird;
           p54: The Steppenwolf Notes (14-15);
           p56: Total contempt and disdain for Facebook
                {dialogue between Nat and Blaze and me;  }
           p65: thing-in-itself ----> will;

H-156 (2012) : Brainstorms, Book 3 ( (72 pages)  {
           p7: Notes on Pessimism #001;
           p9: Notes on Pessimism #002;
           p13: interesting traversal down "Memory Lane";
           p17 (double take);
           p18: How "diary" is a literary experiment;
           p28: Shakespeare, Dante, and their ilk:
            {        did not reveal the trifling incidents of their lives;
                      gave a false image of what they were;
            p44: a note from Nell Painter's The History of White People;
            p53: of the different species of philosophy (Hume);
            p66: Notes on James Park's existential absurdity;
            p68:  The Phenomenology of Existential Despair;
            p71: philosopher as writer-combatant;

H-157 (2012) : Brainstorms, Book 4 ( (47 pages)  {
               p8:  conspiracy perpetuated by "optimists" (Ligotti);
               p17: statement by JQ (Nat/whywork) about these "notes";
               p21-29: The Smoholla Religion and the Dreamers Cult:
                  { Ghost Dance, renounce alcohol and farming,
                     communications with the dead;  }
               p30: concealing our intelligence;
               p36: The Cult of Grinning Martyrs (Ligotti);
               p39:  Badious's set-theoretical perspective;
               p41: Roland Topor's The Tenant;
               p43: Reading The German Genius;
               p46 (double take);               
Title: The Faustus Phenomenon [2012/2013]
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 22, 2019, 08:05:01 pm
H-158 (2012) : The Faustus Phenomenon, Book One ( 
(81 pages)  {
         p5-31: Notes from The German Genius (;
         p50: More notes from Ligotti (TCATHR:notes);
         p55: interest in Lovecraft;
         p71: Crazy Squirrel strongly suggests I "give up":
         { disable message boards? }
         p76: "Charles Dexter Ward";
         p77: Natural Power hits the Jersey Shore;

H-159 (2012) : The Faustus Phenomenon, Book Two ( 
(35 pages)  {
        { discussion boards disabled by me; }
         p14:  I don't want to live anywhere:
         p15: voluntary exile from the middle class;
         p35: a few recipes: beef liver, meatloaf,
                  Swedish meatballs, Ely's Hamburger Stretch;

H-160 (2013) : The Faustus Phenomenon, Book Three (
(82 pages)  {
         p3: What am I to do with all these scribblings?
         p13: 2*integrate(x^2, x, 1, 10) = 666
         P L A N E T  O F  T H E  G O R T S
         p56: list of places lived from 2013 back to 1971;
         p58-63, 67-72: analysis of biography on J. K. Toole;
Title: Mental Insurrection
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on December 24, 2019, 11:27:21 pm
H-161 (2013) : Mental Insurrection ( (133 pages) {
            alcohol "abuse" continues to cause problems:
           {  explosive rage in communications with relatives,
               even towards my mom; neighbors' complaints;
               obsessed with gathering stored journals (these);
            p69: "No wonder Lucifer is our hero. 
                     He has the integrity to rebel against an unworthy God."
            p97: "I choose the way of Earth
                     and rebel against the way of God."

H-162 (2013) : Mental Insurrection 2 ( (72 pages) {
            p9-12: Extracting message from The Mind Parasites;
            p22: notes from Anger, Madness, and the Daimonic;

H-163 (2013) : Mental Insurrection 3 ( (49 pages) {
            p20: One is a being, not a person;
                    (a person is a corporate fiction)
            p21-28: "Hitler's Philosophers";
            p36:  "a satire of conformity ...";

H-164 (2014) : Mental Insurrection 4 ( (97 pages) { }

H-165 (2014) : Observations, Complaints, and Investigations (  (93 pages)  { }

H-166 (2014) : Just Another Nervous Wreck (and Math Diary?) (
 (76 pages)  {
        { Reviving some interest in mathematics:
           p44: modes of representing a function;
           p45: some rules about differentiation;
           p46: substitution method;
           p47: 2x2 linear system;
           p49: extending pattern to a 3x3 system;
           p50: integrated double integral;
           p51: completing the square;
           p55: some set theory, Badiou style;
           p57: logarithms;
           p58: laws for powers and exponents;
           p59: logarithm laws;
           p60: prime numbers;
Title: The Book of Nonsense
Post by: Gorticide :: Admin Elder Warrior Nuclear-Bum on March 17, 2020, 05:02:30 am
Notebook #1 (2014) [?] (  90 pages

A Book of Nonsense:  Notebook 2 (
 [A Conscious Flow of Relative Nonsense]
 { 60 pages  }