{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

"Anyway, back to my thudding personal blankness. It's probably a bonus. On the one hand, I take absolutely no pride whatsoever in whatever meagre professional achievements I can muster, take little interest in anything outside work and am essentially just a blinking, shuffling mannequin watching events in his life merely drift past like underwhelming prizes on the Generation Game conveyor belt."

I have felt, and want to feel, disappointed that this poor game is the best this species could have offered itself- this shuffling around in confusion and boredom, laboring for things we "need" but are just the all-powerful Desire with a bow on top....and then I remember:  this was a part of irrational nature all along!  Case closed, that's that.

The species is both interesting and not.

Edit:  And again:

"I'd immerse myself in a hobby but they all look so pointless. You might as well sit alone in a shed counting numbers. I've tried cultivating a passion for the arts but that didn't work either. "

As Raul said in a recent post, "culture is not a priority."  An insightful statement.  Maybe I would've found interest in "culture" if I had lived in a civilization that praised leisure?  That's just nostalgic thinking on my part.  It's hard to be interested in much of anything, especially living in this trash-heap called "America" where culture is defined by simulacrum and work.  There isn't much value for me beyond a few good books, an occasional writing of my own, music, beer and tobacco.

Oh and sweet, sweet solitude.

Many times I say to myself that I should just kill myself.  It usually is when my mother suggests I tutor in order to pay her debts so we can continue to live in her little unit in the retirement village.  Please understand that I would never take my life while my mother is depending on me.  I would not do that to her.  I am just telling you the kinds of thoughts that run through my head whenever the subject of finding some kind of gainful employment comes up.


Do people really think it is so easy to tutor struggling students in mathematics?  Even if that were possible, I have no way to commute to meet up with such students, and - well, no, there are too many things that make such a proposal unimaginable, not the least of which is that the way my mind is wired, there are things I want to study, and I don't want to drop that to try to figure out what it is someone else needs to learn in order to pass some class that has no significance to me.


I don't want to be robbed of my LIFE.

Whenever I feel any kind of pressure to go out there and try to "earn money," I start to really consider suicide as a preferable option.  And yet, I do want to continue to study math.  If I were dead, there would be none of that, but if I were out there stocking shelves at a food store, there would be no studying math either.  In fact, I can almost guarentee that I would sabotage any employment by taking to drink and being sure to be too drunk to show up to work.

The way I see it, I am already giving my mom more than double of what I was required to pay a landlord when living in a "Section 8" apartment.  The problem is I was always getting in trouble with neighbors which involved jailtime or trips to the psychiatric ward.

I am glad to be able to help my mother, but I can only do so much.  I did not have anything to do with the debt she accumulated before I moved in with her.  Before I moved in with her a few years ago, she was borrowing like $800 per month against her home to pay bills and buy food.  When I moved in with her (and stopped drinking) she has been able to manage without charging food with credit card; but still, the bank takes a $300 payment per month, where over $200 is a finance charge, and less than $100 goes to paying off the debt.   In other words, the banksters are fuucking crooks.   It makes one secretly wish there were some kind of Hitler who might actually try to do something about this situation, nothing too extreme, but to stop the money-lenders from charging such criminal finance charges.

But, being more of a pacifist, it makes one want to just induce one's own death to be out of the trap we are caught in, just so as not to be in this situation where we are compelled to eat food to live, to avoid the wet and cold, to want to learn difficult subjects.  Man, when one is dead, so may problems disappear, so many wants and internal demands.  I know I am not alone in contemplating such dangerous truths.

The reason I go into these details is because I am thinking that a strong case of anhedonia might be a life-saving blessing, a kind of psychological "snap" or "breaking point" where I just don't care about the future, where I continue to study math and programming, and I fully accept that I am not equipped to save anyone financially.   I can help my mother by putting the funds I get from the government to pay a portion of her bills and stock the shelves with food; but just because I am not drinking does not mean I am prepared to sell myself into wage-slavery.   This would drive me to drink and I would be worse off than if I just stayed put.

My mother will have to file for bankruptcy.

I think the reason my 35 year old nephew often becomes suicidal is because he finds it impossible to earn any kind of living.  At least I am someone in his life who is honest with him about how I feel about this rigged game that being run on the masses.   At some point I just snapped.   Now I am considered mentally ill because I don't want a job, because I don't want a wife or a girlfriend, because I don't want what I am supposed to want.

Needless to say, I don't like discussing things with anyone who would suggest I go out and look for a job.   This is not some kind of joke.  I would NEVER want to be responsible for children in this wretched world.  I am not impressed with ambitious go-getters, those who are in college with two jobs.   While I am sure that those who pay taxes would resent me for my bad attitude, and that they might wish me ill will, they may want to see me out in the cold rain ... they think I deserve to be homeless, cold, and hungry. 

They have been brainwashed on a mass scale.   

“Anyone who does not conform is condemned to an economic impotence which is prolonged in the intellectual powerlessness of the eccentric loner. Disconnected from the mainstream, he is easily convicted of inadequacy.”

Even though I am my mother's son, there are times I suspect she may underestimate the extent of my rebellious spirit.  There was a reason I was living in subsidized housing units even if i was surrounded by drugs and drinking and harrassment by police and/or neighbors.   I mistrust this world of "LinkedIn" where everyone must list their skills and try to make themselves so eager to please a boss/employer.   Raul, I would really prefer to be dead than to have to convince someone why they should put me on their payroll.

I really want to be left alone, but I still want to live indoors.



Even in the jailhouse I would be pressed by other inmates to explain myself when asked why I did not want a job.   People gang up on you in such arguments.   It's a slave mentality where the slaves themselves bully the rebel.   I'm sure the military operates the same way - and the mafia and street gangs and packs of wild gorillas in the jungle.


Yes, I want to continue to study math and programming, and I think I will try to emulate this anhedonia, where I would welcome the deadening of emotions and passions.  I don't have to be enthralled with a computer program or totally enthusiastic about working through a problem.   I want to be ok with thinking, "wow, this is very difficult and is not really worth the trouble.  I sure will not be disappointed if Igot cancer and had only months to live."


Would I continue to study math or would I drink myself into a stupor and end of confined in an institution?   I think I would prefer to keep going over the math and the programming.


There are a great many lies that the masses buy into, and they try to bully their family members into paying deference to the same warped ANTI-LEISURELY values.


Our world is run by hussle-bussle deceptive businessmen and bankers and insurance companies and war mongers and drug peddling pharmaceutical companies, not to mention the good old fashioned gangsters and low level street mafiosos.  My plane has been to lay low and not draw any attention to myself.

It would be nice to develop a severe case of anhedonia so that I might think something along the lines of, "the brain in my head is sending signals of distress from the tooth in my jaw" rather than experience ape-shiit anxiety and anguish.


I am really powerless in this world.  I don't know any other solutions to the really big problems than to contemplate suicide or just do nothing.

Life really seems to be a cruel joke.  I mean, one can invest in a large amount of textbooks, but than, in the process of getting through the days and years, lose the will to live and not be able to follow through with one's "plans".   Does fate not mock us whenever we make plans?

The there is the cruel joke of collecting books and then finding one has no place to live.  The one better be able to find a van to haul the books into storage while you pack a backpack and hit the woods to … what?  Live in a tent!   This world really sUUUcks.

No wonder my nephew becomes suicidal.

I totally sympathize with his feelings of powerlessness and the impossibility of adapting to the wage-slavery system.

Those of us who find it impossible to conform, is it even our fault?

Should we go around blaming ourselves?   Or should we, like Silenus suggests, demand leisure.   And how does one demand leisure?   What are the consequences of being the kind of human animal that requires leisure in order to make life even worth living?

I wish to remove the shame associated with coming to the conclusion that one is not fit for living.   Sure, I can prepare meals, do some math, some programming, and perform a small range of mechanical tasks; and yes, I may even have some interpersonal skills that might be useful in helping other human beings in psychological distress; but it has to be clear by now that such skills and attributes are spontaneous.  In other words, I do not perform well on demand.

I'm sure there are countless others like me who are not adapting well to the structure of our civilization, and we will just die off, hopefully not reproducing on our way out.

Not being fit for living must not be viewed as some kind of failure.

Let us have some dignity!   We ought not be ashamed of our inability to conform to systematic stupidity!!!  It is possible that being unfit for living is something a sensitive or cerebral creature might take a little pride in.

By the way, in a not totally unrelated matter, I find it rather depressing going through Bjarne Stroustrup's
Programming with C++ textbook, not because of the challenging exercises (I appreciate that part), but because of his deference to "Industry" and what the "Industry needs" from "programmers".

Such a stance genuinely alienates me.   It makes one feel that, if you are not planning to become involved in an "industrial strength software project" then you are not a programmer but only some kind of "hack."

It is a soul destroying and mind destroying stance in my humble opinion.   


I will try to forgive him for this and get the most out of the learning experience in my interaction with the text.

Thank you Raul.  I had typed a long email to my nephew, but then, at the very end, I decided not to send it.  I created a new folder on my hard drive called "Unsent Letters".


You see, what you wrote, saying I am very honest for feeling suicidal, basically I was trying to say something similar to my nephew, validating my his recurrent suicidal ideations, but I decided not to send it as I did not want to in any way encourage him in that direction.  I want to tell him that he is honest for feeling suicidal.  That's a very clear way of stating this.  I will wait until I can phrase it as clearly as you did for me.   We are not "sick" for feeling this way.

Anyway, I would like to start a thread in the private section of our forums, "Unsent Letters".

It may be a place to vent when we feel that it may be too heavy for family members, and we don't want to burden them, knowing they have enough to worry about with their own living problems.

Thanks again for the response.   Sometimes I cannot concentrate on anything until I empty my head of things it can do little to change.

As for those who suggest I tutor students to earn some cash, they do not consider the intricate details of such a proposal.  First of all, I am not the ideal role model, no matter how well I might understand the math they need to learn.  You see, I am not that great at interacting with the youth.  What I mean to say is, they might have a stronger influence on me than I on them.  That is to say, all it would take is for them to offer to smoke a joint with me, and I would be in a lot of trouble.   You see?

Sometimes I wish I could just take a siesta as you suggest, but that doesn't seem possible today.   I guess I should have slept longer throughout the night. 

The thing is, now that it is time to make the call to get a "discount dental card," I am reluctant as the severe pain has resided.

What a bad joke this life is!

Thanks again, Raul.  Your presence is appreciated.

From all you have written you can teach mathematics to the best of your knowledge. You won´t do anything improper in your class. I am sure.

Yes, Raul, I am sure I could teach a certain level of mathematics to youth or even adults, but, I really doubt that I will ever be in such a situation to have an opportunity to do so.


I have been going over the per-university mathematics over the past couple years in hopes that I am in a way preparing for the future somehow; that is, rather than forging ahead into higher levels, I had decided to return to the fundamentals and see if I might master a certain amount enough to be able to explain it.


Maybe when the student is ready, the teacher will appear - or the teacher just isn't ready yet.


There are things I want to be more clear on before I would presume to instruct others.


Please know that I study math as a kind of personal quest, and to show myself each day that even so-called simple problems require concentration, that nothing is really very easy.   If this happens to enable me to help others in the future, that would be a bonus.

The way I feel now, I don't know.  Life really has me feeling raw and hyper-sensitive, kind of distraught and anxious.   Yes, I am a human animal.  I am easily overwhelmed and filled with doubts.


Back in 2003 while living in a "welfare motel," I spontaneously tutored an entire family of brothers, ranging from lower grades all the way up to a senior in high school.   Knowing they would ask for my help would inspire me to lay off the vodka for the day and not drink until later in the evening.


Maybe you are right.  Maybe one day I might teach a little math, even if to adults; and all my studying will not appear so selfish and self-absorbed at that point.


I like to daydream about being some kind of math teacher as an old man, which is right around the corner after all.  I mean, in another 15 years I'll be a senior citizen, "God willin' and the creek don't rise."

Maybe I'm just not up to cleaning toilets anymore or shoveling too much snow.   I am becoming more physically lazy as I age. 

if you are afraid of missing out the marriage train. this epic rant of charlie brooker is for you 

Every day the same person, murping on and on about the same three or four subjects, through their mouth, which not so long ago was a delicate beautiful thing you enjoyed kissing but now is just a sort of underwhelming content delivery system. "Oh you had a day at work did you?? Oh yeah oh no that does sound miserable, oh tell me about it tell me all about it tell me all about your life. In detail. Forever." On and on burbles their mush cave talking about "stuff that happened", and the "things" they consider "important," sharing their feelings while you just point your face in their direction and hope that your expression doesn't betray your aching isolation and your raging need to just open your own mouth and shout- OH FOR GODS SAKE JUST SHUT UP! SHUT-UP!!

from this video (a good series by the way)

at sharp  1:20 in the video above,  Brooker expression is priceless. I imagine that Kind of face Mr Hentrich would make if he heard that gal nonsense.