{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

I had written, "It is not something that just came to me.  There is no God who whispers numbers and patterns into my brain."

Since the human brain is not something I can take personal responsibility for having created, however this chaotic, pain-inducing, pleasure-seeking, and in many ways, "awesomely mysterious" organ has come into existence, I guess it doesn't matter whether one believes some supernatural entity is causing the understanding to take place, or some unexplainable neural networks making connections while the consious mind sleeps.   

All I meant is that I only seem to be able to muster undertanding by brute force, by going over and over in my mind's eye a concept.  So very often it is through the process of creating a console based command-line program that I am forced to understand the dirty little details of an algorithm or method.   Then, as if by magic, I am better able to solve similar problems by hand.

Writing the code forces me to pick apart the proofs of the theorems which become inplemented as they directly manifest in the code.

Needless to say, the entire process, although it may apear to be drudgery, anxiety-producing and frustration-inducing, is far more deeply satisfying than any all-nighter chasing crack co-caine.  I have great compassion for the poor souls caught in the grip of such a trap, whether they have acces to money or whether someone gives them the shiit for free - as a way to keep them in psychological chains or to reveal to them the terrible agony a human brain can endure when helplessly chasing eternal satisfaction.

I can honesly say that the culmination of these efforts must once in awhile release dopamines or whatever the hell it is that feels like "pleasure" to the brain.

I call it mental stimulation, and I cannot overestimate the benefits to my mental health and as a very tangible and practical way to help one get through a life not worth living.

The high lasts longer than street drugs, and there is even the unavoidable misery to be expected along the way --- very similar to chasing the chemical fix.