Author Topic: On Being Homesick  (Read 1105 times)

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Creepy Sleepy

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On Being Homesick
« on: July 10, 2014, 03:23:26 pm »
“Is it possible that existence is our exile and nothingness is our true home?" -Cioran

I believe this is true. We are homesick.

Quote from: Cioran
What is the use of giving so-called coherence to Nietzsche's ideas on the pretext that they revolve around a central motif? Nietzsche is a sum of attitudes, and it only diminishes him to comb his work for a will to order, a thirst for unity. A captive of his moods, he has recorded their variations. His philosophy, a meditation on his whims, is mistakenly searched by the scholars for the constants it rejects.

A captive of our moods, we record their variations!

Quote from: Cioran
There was a time when the artist mobilized all his defects to produce a work which concealed himself; the notion of exposing his life to the public probably NEVER occurred to him. We do not imagine Dante or Shakespeare keeping track of the trifling incidents of their lives in order to bring them to other people's attention. Perhaps they even preferred giving a false image of what they were.

As for writing novels to entertain, Cioran would have none of that.

Quote from: Cioran
Cut off from one more channel of escape, up against ourselves at last, we are in a better position to inquire as to our functions and our limits, the futility of having a life, of becoming a character or of creating one. The novel? the point furthest from our origins, an artifice to disguise our REAL PROBLEMS, a screen between our primordial realities and our psychological fictions.








Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

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Creepy Sleepy

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Re: On Being Homesick
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2014, 12:33:15 am »
What are our primordial realities?  In a couple weeks I will no longer have access to the Internet except for 30 minutes per day at the library, so when I do post something, it most likely will be far more calculated and nothing much on the fly.

My entire life I have been scribbling nonsense into notebooks, and I seem to repeat the same things again and again.  It is what it is.  My mind has cleared up quite a bit over the past 3 months or so ... and I will try not to slip into daily drunkenness when I settle into my own private cave. 

I guess this is therapeutic, all this scribbling and tapping on the keyboard ... It is difficult to remain interested in anything.  I guess I want to be as honest as possible.  This means I don't want to conceal my frustration.  To be honest, if there were a way to sleep through life, I would.  Maybe I will be better able explore the abyss when I do not have access to the Internet. 

One thing I find disturbing about the Internet is that, when I type in "depressing blogs" in order to discover like-minded defeatists, I get a string of advertisements for psychiatric cures for depression or tips on how to find inspiration.  That's not what I am looking for!   I want to read about other people's doubt and despair.  Why must everyone put up a false front?

When I was a teenager, I figured I was just going through a phase, but by now I now that this is how it will be for the remainder of my life:  enduring existence ... hiding from the world ... reaching a few who appreciate my perspective ... We are each alone with this.  Homesick for sleep ... In sleep the inner dialogue does not cease.  Maybe we get a glimpse of some deeper truths.  Comfort.  Is it possible to comfort oneself? 

We do not imagine Dante or Shakespeare keeping track of the trifling incidents of their lives in order to bring them to other people's attention.


And yet that is what I aim to do.  A captive of my moods, I have recorded their variations.
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~

Holden

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Re: On Being Homesick
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2014, 04:11:58 am »
When you have limited internet connectivity,even then ,I hope you'd continue to write on this forum,there are just four or five guys moving around in this orbit but you are the Sun we are revolving around.
La Tristesse Durera Toujours                                  (The Sadness Lasts Forever ...)
-van Gogh.

Creepy Sleepy

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Re: On Being Homesick
« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2014, 02:06:56 pm »
I plan to check in on an almost daily basis.  My posts and responses might be more calculated as I will be uploading and downloading via the flashdrive, then responding at my leisure.

Actually, Holden, it seems that you may be the only one in this orbit ... besides Trachycarpus ... and I wouldn't compare myself to a sun, but more like one of those spiraling things ... a black hole? ...  a death spiral of black holes ...

You see, the way I've been looking at this epidemic of defeatist worldviews spiraling around our life-world is this:  rather than experiencing despair about the conclusions we've come to, we can rest easy.  I mean, we have considered the unthinkable, that we would have been better off never having been, in which case "we" wouldn't care about the unpleasant nature of being.  Now that we have entertained this possibility and survived, it's pretty much down hill from here on out. 

Since we are well aware that this unpleasantness is hard-wired into living experience, we won't be hoodwinked by those who are selling cures and parading around as though they have secured the solution ... or "salvation" ...

Rather than think "if only I had such-and-such ..." I would be satiated, we can recognize that we are not designed for inner peace, and paradoxically we might attain more inner peace, even if just a minimal amount, by giving up hope of ever attaining it.

So, yes, I will continue to try to remain somewhat coherent as I do have a healthy fear of slipping into the downward spiral of drunkenness.  In the meantime, I notice many other species of animal on this planet take to hiding and hibernating, so, if I am so inclined, then I suppose Nature is anti-social.  Even though we are "social creatures" who communicate with our kind, once one has had one's fill of society and doesn't want to bother with restraining one's own unpleasant nature, we ought to encourage one another to isolate and just be ourselves.
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~

Holden

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Re: On Being Homesick
« Reply #4 on: July 17, 2014, 03:55:24 pm »
La Tristesse Durera Toujours                                  (The Sadness Lasts Forever ...)
-van Gogh.

me

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Re: On Being Homesick
« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2014, 07:45:51 pm »
The video is on point.  I never read Pascal, but I can confirm that it was a great consolation to me to read Schopenhauer.  Like the guy says in the above video, sometimes we may think there is something terribly wrong with us in particular, especially if we are surrounded by phony liars who look at us like we are crazy when we bring up the general "horror" of existence. 

So, contrary to what people say, the pessimist is often more cheerful, whereas the optimist is suicidal.

Creepy Sleepy

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Re: On Being Homesick
« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2014, 11:18:17 pm »
As far as my Internet-presence dwindling when I relocate in a couple weeks, you can always do a search for like-minded thinkers and let me know if you find them and where they post their thoughts.

I still search.  I mainly look for discussions about Schopenhauer or Cioran.  Ligotti floored me with his philosophical book, Conspiracy Against The Human Race since he confirmed that it really comes down to just a few thinkers (he includes Zapffe). 

When I was about 22 or so, when I first started collecting anything by Schopenhauer I could find, I thought that this was just the beginning, that I would proceed to discover deeper and deeper and more and more profound thinkers as my search continued.  I discovered Cioran's The Trouble With Being Born in a public library by the time I was 26 ... ah, there was another one!  I collected all his works and devoured them ... but over the years, they stand out so clearly ... I mean, I am nearly 50 now, and it looks like Schopenhauer pretty much spelled it all out for me thirty years ago ... my entire life just living experiences validating his philosophy.

Search for those few who will be honest, who have the confidence to be unashamed of their misery because they know this is the primordial reality for all. 

You are better off thinking alone in isolation than wasting your time being honest with those who put up fronts or who deceive themselves with the mantras of "it could be worse" and "life is a gift" ... Yep, better off talking to yourself.

Over the next couple of weeks I will devote some time to searching for some forums ... but, unfortunately they may not know what you mean by gort.  That term is still rather cultish insofar as it has not spread very far.  People will know what you mean by phony.  They will know what you mean by sheep.  They may even know what you mean by dogs, as in "the enforcer class."

What you will want to look for are others who are homesick for nothingness.  If it's any consolation, we all have access to the nothingness within us.  I mean, you were born into this mess, but underlying this mess is the void ... it must all eventually return to the abyss, and surely, since we can do nothing to prevent this, we must have all that is required to endure the transition. 

Nothing need be done.  The best thing anyone can do for anyone else is to introduce them to the power within themselves ... to their own mind ...

Listen, I myself will be talking myself through it.  Thomas Ligotti, a man who admits to have lost enthusiasm for anything, also has to endure it. 

Be glad you have the insight you do have.  I really think that those who succumb to running amock and arbitrarily assassinate total strangers might lack such insight.  What I mean to say is that such people may believe the lies of society so thoroughly that they imagine they alone suffer the torments of existence.   They imagine others are happy. 

It takes courage and confidence to smash through the farce of polite society and boldly keep it real.  Remember that part of Catcher in the Rye, when Holden puts on his "people hunting hat" ?

Edited due to violent language that I am trying to contain.  It must be an effect of vodka I may have drank.  Shame may be a core emotion that helps us interact with society a little more graciously.  I don't know.  I'm still learning.

superstition

« Last Edit: October 10, 2014, 11:56:12 pm by { } »
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~

Kuro

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Re: On Being Homesick
« Reply #7 on: August 13, 2014, 07:58:15 am »
"I don’t think anybody that has a brain can really be happy. What is there really to be happy about? You tell me. If you’re a thinking human being, there’s no way to divorce yourself from the world." - Lauren Bacall (R.I.P.)

Creepy Sleepy

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Re: On Being Homesick
« Reply #8 on: August 13, 2014, 11:36:43 am »
So, that's why I am so filled with anxiety and confusion.  I can't motivate myself to even write anymore.  This "why bother?" theme is really hitting me hard.  I've got it bad.

Homesick for non-being, I guess.

I think I am even losing my lust for words.

I wish more people were honest about how difficult it is to endure oneself.

I can't fathom how people respond to the greeting, "How you doing?" with "wonderful".

I feel like I'm demonically possessed!   :(
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~

Trachycarpus

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Re: On Being Homesick
« Reply #9 on: August 13, 2014, 09:57:39 pm »
Quote
You see, the way I've been looking at this epidemic of defeatist worldviews spiraling around our life-world is this:  rather than experiencing despair about the conclusions we've come to, we can rest easy.  I mean, we have considered the unthinkable, that we would have been better off never having been, in which case "we" wouldn't care about the unpleasant nature of being.  Now that we have entertained this possibility and survived, it's pretty much down hill from here on out. 

Rest easy.  It's the only thing you can train yourself to do.  Personally, I know my future is ****.  I've had enough to drink in the past 10 years to know that I won't live past 55-60 or so.  You just can't not develop a health problem like this.  I want to change, and maybe I will, but the damage is done.  In my everyday life, it's not terrible, and I probably have a "good life" in the eyes of others.  I just set myself up for more **** than I needed and I'm looking for some kind of exit.  Not suicide.  Just something closer to a dropout lifestyle.  All of the time posting on Why Work (not much as it experienced issues) and then Mike's forum, I was always working part-time - more than most people posting.  Now I work more than I was then and my "career" is growing.  There is really no respect in it.  I'm tired of faking it. 

Anyway, I will get in touch with you, Mike. 

Creepy Sleepy

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Re: On Being Homesick
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2014, 01:50:49 pm »
That would be cool Trachycarpus. 

I think the reason I fear going to see the psychiatrist is because he will easily detect my distraught condition.   I have written extensively about how I perceive psychiatry to be totally ineffective and useless.

I just can't fake it and I certainly don't want to be involuntarily committed.  This is all too real.

Anyway, here is a link to a photo I left at What Now?, a blog I have lost interest in.   It may help you recognize me.  Maybe we can find a way to just have a conversation without getting crucified for it. 
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~