{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

Only those moments count, when the desire to remain by yourself is so powerful that you'd prefer to blow your brains out than exchange a word with someone.

This reminds me of how I would feel some mornings upon reporting to work.  In my mind, I had my own agenda.  It was torturous to have to ignore or repress whatever was important to me at the time in order to focus on the to-do list presented to me by a "superior".

It's a wonder that anyone can follow instructions or follow orders of any kind.

The Mother is concerned that the cat is not eating much and just lays around all day.  She's the kind of person who wants to "take care of things", whereas I am more of the type who lets Nature take its course.  Now, my mom is having trouble with her vision, so, until she has some kind of lasar surgery done, scheduled for next week some time, I have to do all the driving.

I'm not going to drive the cat to the vet to be put down.  She's not in severe pain and we give her some medication to ease the pain.

She just sleeps all the time and doesn't eat.

My agenda?  I want to continue to march through math problems in an old text book with discolored pages. 

I imagine if the cat and I were to switch places, if I could hardly see, did not want to eat food, and lost interest in mathematics.  It is as Schopenhauer explains: life teaches us not to want it!  Nature takes its course, and eventually, nothing will matter to us at all.  The sick and dying are in a totally different orbit than the healthy.   In the end we will just want to die.  Until then, we exist for what?   To work through exercises in text books designed to teach us the language of mathematics?

That's what it has come down to for me; and, while it may seem pathetic, it is certainly preferable to feigning interest in celebrity culture, Hollywood nonsense, professional sports, politics, the career cult, or the "romance cult" ...

To each his own, they say.

There must be a reason we are not aware of our own grumpiness or irritability until we are forced to interact with others.  The desire to remain by myself is very powerful in me.  I am not interested in what others are interested in, and I am finally in a position where I do not have to justify or explain why I choose to study what I am studying.   

Other people often want to know what the reason is.  They need to know what the "goal" is ... There is no goal other than the satisfaction of curiosity.

In such a pointless existence, this is simply how I endure time.

If I were forced to interact with others or subjected to the will of another, if I had to report to a so-called "superior", subjected to daily humiliations, perhaps I would prefer a bullet in the head.

Someone had commented that, if I continue to just work on math problems, I will not be able to carry on everyday conversations with people.  So be it.  I don't care to discuss my worldview with others, face to face, that is.  I have been writing in notebooks for my entire life, and now I hardly even want to write about this life as I am tired of hearing myself write the same things over and over again.

This is why studying mathematics brings me some relief.  It gives me something to think about while I am in this Limbo.

Why discuss things with anyone?   I usually play the baffoon, something like, "Look at me, all I do is study mathematics from morning to night.  I don't want to 'find a girlfriend'.  I don't want to 'find a job.'  I certainly don't want to 'find Jesus'."

It is quite a relief to have reached a point where I don't want to discuss life with anyone.  People will reach their own conclusions, but there is no sense in arguing.

And yet, here we are, having a kind of written conversation, validating to one another this powerful desire to be by ourselves, alone.   We have come to certain conclusions about this life, and it is diffilcult to suffer the personalities of others who may not have done as much thinking, and who most likley are not nearly as honest.

Most human beings use language to deceive, not to communicate.

As for the cat, euthanization is most likley the most humane course of action.   I remember you stating that we all know how to die.  Our innermost kernel is Nature itself, and death is a built-in process of life.  The cat knows how to die. 

It is interesting to witness that, for me, it may come down to however long she is able to make it to her littler box.  I know my maternal grandfather wanted to be euthanized when he could no longer make it to the bathroom.

He used to like solving crossword puzzles.   Maybe I work through math problems in a similar manner that he worked on crossword puzzles.   When does life become not worth living?

According to Schopenhauer or Cioran or Ligotti, life is never worth living.  Nobody's life is worth living.  So, these movie stars and politicians, or even those who promote "success" in the modern careerist cult of the self, are not fooling me with all their talk about "fulfilling their dreams".

We endure existence until we can't take any more.  If we have our health, that is great, but it is temporary.  If we live long enough, we will reach a point where we will long for death because living becomes unbearable.

So, yes, we are on Earth, and there is no cure for that.

It's mind boggling that so many countless creatures are caught in this.

Of course, there is no mention of any of these kinds of ruminations in texts about mathematics or programming, which is, I will admit, a creepy thing, to me.   There are theorems and axioms, solution sets, laws, definitions, proofs, but nothing for the heart.

Mathematics may be meaningless for the heart.  It is strictly for the head.

And so, while the cat refuses to eat, as we all must do, eventually, I will muster up the required enthusiasm to consume tuna and rice to give the brain the energy it requires to be able to "think".

At long last I have finally reached the point where I am resigned to not having any solutions for the people of this Earth.  There are no solutions to the problem of having been born.  The best we can do is to not reproduce.  And woe to you if you have a pet but do not have cash to burn to hand over to a vet as her death approaches.   I will do my best to disuade my mother from taking responsibility for another animal. 

I do not want to be responsible for another creature's well-being.  That's something that finally made me realize I want nothing to do with romantic entanglements.  I do not want to be made to feel obligated to cure someone of the burdens of their own existence.

I see what life is, and I refuse to go along with the great lies people tell themselves.  My mind will not be dominated by some ambitious careerist.  Let them sparkle some other sucker's eyes!

I am not the one.

Listening to myself think, I totally understand why I would not be suited for being some kind of "teacher".

 That I have a powerful desire to be alone with math textbooks and computers is just as well for society.   It takes me more than half the day just to motivate myself to eat.   I totally sympathize with those who take to drink.   The thing is, that only makes life even more of a nightmare, making it more likely that one will be getting into altercations which will lead to involvements with police, psychiatric wards, jails, the courts ...

What to tell the youth coming up through the "eduction" system?

"Read Schopenhauer and study some mathematics.   Try not to reproduce.  Avoid romantic emotional entanglements.   We are all doomed.  Work on all the exercises, including the odd numbered ones with the solutions in the manual.  Partial solutions and hints to the even numbered exercises will be available on the website.  Avoid confrontations with police and psychiatrists.  There won't be an exam.  This is a gradeless university, so there is no GPA to be concerned about.  Go in peace."

 

I would not put myself in the position Socrates found himself in.  The best thing to learn from Socrates is what not to do.  If you do not want to be condemned by society, do not attempt to instruct their children in matters which the parents are clueless.

"Cross, death, and grave" did not depress him; on the contrary, they seemed to be an elixir of life. Nietzsche found Schopenhauer's gloomy outlook enticingly provocative.

Ironically, yes, I think a gloomy outlook on life makes it more bearable.   What all these positve thinkers and seekers of happiness fail to understand is that the very desire for happiness is the main cause of misery.  Do you see the simple solution to the problem of unhappiness with life?

Just resigning oneself to be miserable alleviates that misery quite a bit.   Then one can go about getting through each day while either ignoring or openly slandering those who proclaim to be happy.  What I am is content.  The irony is that my contentment comes from not demanding that I be happy!

This is for almost exactly the same reason why Nietzsche found Schopenhauer's gloomy outlook enticingly provocative.

Analogous to this is my approach to mathematics.  It is mainly because I do not aspire to master much of what I study that wards off haste and despair.  I have no delusions about attaining any kind of superhuman skill.  I am content to remain an "explorer". 

We just have to accept that most of society is a farce.  Neither love nor money makes the world go 'round.   Self-deception makes the world go 'round.  Those low on self-deception will be at a major disadvantage in a society based on lies, fraud, and delusion/fantasy.

Yellowfin tuna steak chopped up and fried up in butter with left-over Basmati rice. 

This has been going on for millions if not billions of years.  I'm here now. 

"Hi, my name is Will-to-Live, and I'm addicted to breathing."

In the meantime, perhaps it is best to mock and slander those who "preach" about some kind of "God" or "Plan" behind all this.  No, I'm too kind to openly mock people's delusions; but I appear to be losing the ability to lie and pretend, so I am no longer fit for polite society.



"The only 'win' is to throw a monkey-wrench, a rock, into the Meat Grinder."

Slander the Universe and spill your seed on the ground.