Author Topic: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)  (Read 241 times)

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Holden

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Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« on: July 10, 2019, 03:05:28 pm »
Senor Raul and Mr.Silenus-some excerpts from my diary:
..
I have been thinking about Continental philosophy.It is certainly closer to how my life really is like.It is like a big wave in the ocean which submerges everything in its path.
Analytic philosophy is like playing with small pebbles.It maybe amusing but when the wave arrives( of fear and loathing and dread) it washes away everything-the pebbles and the players.

I am in a dark place.I think I am very much like a machine.There is a certain grim pleasure in observing, merely observing, all the bad things that are happening and will happen to me.I feel like an aeroplane in free-fall,with no control over the pace I am falling at or the direction of the fall.

Yes , a grim satisfaction is to be found in predicting the terrible things which are to occur and in seeing them happen for real.                    ..
Keep well.
https://youtu.be/K-HSWg6ffTM
« Last Edit: July 10, 2019, 03:24:28 pm by Holden »
I am just a sad little green  tortoise  who crawls and crawls..


raul

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Re: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« Reply #1 on: July 10, 2019, 07:35:30 pm »
Holden,

Thank you for your response. My ignorance is vast regarding philosophy. I know I am a zombie. Life is a crime. We are in a slaughterhouse called Earth. This truth is hard. Somebody  said to me that I have a negative joie de vivre, as the French say.

For many years I have been doing stupid things and listening to jerks and saying foolish things. What a life!

Today on the bus I saw a young woman breastfeeding her baby. Poor little one, he is being prepared to become food for the worms. I will be food for the worms at any time.

You see,Holden, here funeral homes have their people waiting near hospitals and morgues. Sometimes there are brawls between different funeral homes because all of them are waiting to make money with the future corpses. People call them buitres, vultures. Mortality is a good business.

Take care.

Holden

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Re: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« Reply #2 on: July 11, 2019, 10:47:36 am »
Senor Raul ,

You go directly to the dark and rotten heart of the matter.It is lunacy.Humanity -what is that?I,for one, declare that I do not know.

I feel the agony in my bones.I feel bitter.There is no way I can rationalize it.

So, the funeral parlour owners fight like vultures in Paraguay? Well,my dear Senor Raul, I am a sort of a vulture too.
I look at the women ,the pretty ones, who pass me by on the streets.Whatever it is that hides inside my body craves to copulate.Have you seen the dogs in the street who try to get close to the bitches when they are "in heat"?Well,I am one of those dogs(though this dog maintains his distance).I want to stuff my face with food and copulate.To put it briefly-to eat and to mate.

Sometimes ,in my imagination, I think of myself as Schopenhauer living in Berlin in 1810s and 1820s.
Some women, outwardly, are so beautiful, aren't they?And yet the moment after I orgas-m(after having mas-turbated),they turn into the ugly beasts ,for me,that they always were.

The funeral parlour owners and me ,we are alike, we are both vultures.

Keep well.

I am just a sad little green  tortoise  who crawls and crawls..

raul

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Re: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« Reply #3 on: July 11, 2019, 09:26:18 pm »
Holden,

Yes, Holden, we are human demons. We are vultures preying on other vultures. We are vultures in heat. We all have the desire to copulate, to mate or to break assses as we say here in Spanish. It is our animal nature.

Today at the hospital I saw many young mothers feeding their babies. We are having severe changes in the weather. Last Friday and Saturday were very cold and today it is a little hot. So the little ones suffer from respiratory problems. In thirty years most will suffer from diabetes, heart conditions, knee problems, backache,blood pressure and so many other health issues. I see how the establishment is forcing people step by step to use digital money. We are already numbers in our IDs, phones, tax IDs, etc. These babies will be out of the system and subject to all kind of abuses. Long live life!

About the funeral parlors, there is nothing to add.If I had a business mind I would invest in funeral homes, you are never out of work. Business is business in Zombieland. Pure exploitation from the cradle to the grave. That is what we are here for. To be seeded and then harvested like cattle. Welcome to the farm.

Stay safe.

Holden

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Re: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« Reply #4 on: July 12, 2019, 03:21:57 pm »
Senor Raul,
All my life I have been looking for some kind of relief from "inner suffering" that torments me constantly.
But I am reaching the realisation that it is not to be found anywhere,neither without,nor, unfortunately,within.

There is always some kind of a grey cloud hanging over my head .

While commuting  back from the office I come across myriad of couples-eating ice freaking cream,walking hand in hand,the woman hitting the man as some kind of joke,playing with her hair.Sure,I can use such visuals,after adding a bit of spice into the mix to masturbate but generally speaking,I remain quite aloof ,in the sense that I don't feel any kind of jealousy towards the couples,hand on heart,all I feel is a weird kind of pity.That they are so engrossed in each other that they become completely oblivious to the nefarious reality all around them(and within them too).

Take care.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2019, 03:23:47 pm by Holden »
I am just a sad little green  tortoise  who crawls and crawls..

raul

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Re: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« Reply #5 on: July 13, 2019, 07:19:46 am »
Holden,

Yes, Holden, I also looked for some kind of relief from inner suffering as you write. I only can say that the relief I feel is that I will have no relief while I am still on this Earth encased in a male body that is aging, suffering sickness, rotting and then becoming dust.

This is the gift of life. Once I heard this famous musician Louis Armstrong singing “What a wonderful world”, in his lyrics he sang:
I hear babies crying, I watch them grow
They'll learn much more, than I'll never know
And I think to myself, what a wonderful world
Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world

Well, maybe for him this world is wonderful but not for many. Not for me really. Yes, I sometime saw young couples walking hand in hand, enjoying themselves and as you say, completely oblivious to the nefarious reality around them. It is part of the programming. A programming designed to make this world continue. The fact that I, you and others realize the madness means, in my view, that we are glitches in the system.

Stay safe.

Holden

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Herr Kaspar,Senor Raul and Mr.Silenus

I got a magazine today and it has a lot of pretty pictures in it.
Most of them of smiling couples,with smiling kids.Fresh faced kids.Couples getting married.Men in three piece suits and women in wedding dresses.They are looking into each other's eyes and smiling.A bouquet of flowers nests in the arms of the woman.
A passel of cute brats.

What are they trying to say?
That this world is alright.That life is good.As I study different philosophers and various schools/traditions of philosophy it is Schopenhauer who keeps me firmly grounded in reality.It is so easy to lose one's way. Laughably easy.But it is not easy to fool someone well acquainted with Schopenhauer' thoughts.

In the name of this man called Jesus ,who died a brutal death,folks are shameless enough to sell marriage and family.

I know why people like to belong to a community.Because they are afraid of loneliness.Afraid of being on their own.

Well, Schopenhauer was not afraid of being a lone wolf and neither am I.

Keep well.
I am just a sad little green  tortoise  who crawls and crawls..

Holden

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My mother and my father have been pestering me to get married. I am usually quite diplomatic and polite in responding to them.My strategy is to kick the can down the road.

Today again the two of them confronted me.My mother started to threaten me that if I don't relent ,she will adopt a daughter ( I am the only child).

That's when I lost my temper completely.My mind immediately raced to the fact that Schopenhauer died estranged from his mother(and vice versa) and did not even bother to attend her funeral.

I told her in no uncertain terms (and meant it too) that she is welcome to adopt not one but ten daughters if she so fancies.
And if she likes I would move out of the house immediately so that she could proceed with the adoption process at the earliest.

Only ,from the moment I move out ,she should consider me as dead to her and I would reciprocate.She need not bother about attending my funeral and neither would I attend hers.

Herr Kaspar once asked me if I intend to be a scholar like Schopenhauer and him or someone like a begging ascetic.
I told him I very much want to be like Schopenhauer and him .
But you see, it's not upto me.I possess no free will.It may be that I am destined to deny the will to life in a more personal manner.

I am quite certain about one thing though-I want my unfortunate lineage to end with me.If that would mean that I would have to be disowned by my family and lose my inheritance then so be it.

What a fine lady my mother is- she gives birth to a child and then kicks it away.
Fine.I can take it.Schopenhauer shows the way.I merely follow his giant footsteps.
In a way,a bit like Cioran's mum,she has made very clear to me what value/worth I am really possess.

The squirming, wriggling evil seed in my testicles dies with me.No more.

I am rather calm.Misfortune is the general law.Its as good a time as any to learn a bit of fundamental mathematics before I merge backs into the great darkness.

I can breathe with tranquility because Schopenhauer lived and Herr Kaspar was kind enough to share his knowledge with me.

Like in the movie The Exorcist, I might have to jump out of the window(figuratively speaking), in order to make sure that my would-be kids are spared the demonic possession.

Take care.
I am just a sad little green  tortoise  who crawls and crawls..

Haywire Baboonery

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Re: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« Reply #8 on: July 15, 2019, 02:11:05 am »
I've lost my temper a few times with my own mother over the last week or so.  I find myself feeling trapped, and then, in the next moment, feeling the anguish such a break would cause, for my mother depends on me a great deal.

She once told me she will laugh AT me from Heaven.  Imagine the horrific stupidity!  Imagine a mother getting a kick out of witnessing safe from a parallel dimension, her offspring "stuck in the world without her."  It's grotesquely childish.  I've noticed a great deal of tantrums and a real bull-headed, stubborn, down-right stupid side to my mother, living with her, day in, day out.

Well, I've been ruminating a bit about the opening lines of The Stranger.

"Mother died today, or was it yesterday?"

I'm not going to play the big shot in public.  I'll admit I dread the thought of my mother passing.  I had always considered her a kind of friend, but there are times when she takes on the traits of the villain, maybe even doing me wrong in OWNING ME LIKE A SLAVE.   

Well, just maybe the best revenge is living well, meaning, that even were i to be homeless and having to store books and computers in storage unit, maybe a certain kind of freedom awaits and I will not feel as crushed or abandoned as my mom thinks (laughing from Heaven, remember?).

There are times I have heard myself say that I would not care dying any time at all, that I don't really care about "getting anywhere" in particular with my studies, that I have actually studied more than i ever intended to already.  maybe I have been working myself too hard.


I don't like to think about it.  Here I am helping my mother, but living together in close quarters has got her acting out through various "routines," where she storms around accusing me of yelling at her ... It's a kind of Hell with or without her, I suppose.  I am destined for heartache, like everyone else.

When I lost my temper, I slammed a door.  Moments later I found myself reflecting on when Schopenhauer slammed the door on his mother during a heated argument, and they never saw each other again after that.  Very dramatic.  What a wonderful world.

She thinks she owns me.   I end up staying up all night to make sense of what I am trying to concentrate on throughout constant interruptions, and then I become anxious and depressed, thinking that perhaps the "gods" are having a good laugh at my expense.    :-\

There is something changing within me.  I am becoming colder and agonizingly cynical about the nature of a parent's love for a child.  Am I just a resource.   Were I to take to drink, the show would be over. 
« Last Edit: July 15, 2019, 02:23:38 am by gorticide »
He [Arthur Schopenhauer] has been the most radical of all troublemakers. He was defiant. ~ (Marcuse?)

"Learning math is never a waste of time." ~ Ivan Savov

"Programming is understanding."  ~ Kristen Nygaard

Silenus

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Re: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« Reply #9 on: July 15, 2019, 08:46:52 am »
The hedgehog's dilemma in a nutshell. Love and affection has been a double-edged sword for me personally- it always comes with a melancholic feeling. And if I were to hide away or run from those feelings as I have in the past, I end up more isolated and alienated than I want to be. There is a degree to my solitude; I need it more than anything and yet I have the FEAR of being totally and completely alien to the world.

I will always be "homeless" in the metaphysical sense. I do long for one or two meaningful, honest connections with others, yet as I said I run from them due to the melancholy that comes with it. I cannot describe it as anything but being a COWARD towards attachment. Yes, I am a cowardly man. I suppose that I am unable to be tolerant of and embrace the more "unfavorable" sides of social connection.

Hentrich, I don't know if I would be able to tolerate someone "acting out" as your mother does. Maybe I am too afraid to be patient enough for that, too afraid to embrace the painful and downright maddening sides of relationships.

As an aside, I will also note that the couple of times that a woman has expressed affection towards me, I drop the relation right then and there. Part of it is that I do not like the idea of my "freedom" being imposed upon, but if I were to be honest with myself I shall admit that I am just AFRAID.

I'll sign this post as,

A Broken Man
« Last Edit: July 15, 2019, 08:50:41 am by Silenus »
"How can an animal that surrounds itself with layer upon layer of dependency call itself the present pinnacle of evolution?"

Silenus

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Re: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« Reply #10 on: July 15, 2019, 11:27:18 am »
If I want to practice total radical honesty with myself, then I must be frank anout being a giant, twisting, wrapped ball of contradictions.

Confused, and in exile until my last breath. :)
"How can an animal that surrounds itself with layer upon layer of dependency call itself the present pinnacle of evolution?"

Holden

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Re: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« Reply #11 on: July 15, 2019, 02:02:12 pm »
Thank you for your post Herr Kaspar.
Sometimes breathing itself feels burdensome.I want to sleep eternally.For all time to come.
Human life is too messy.I have great talent in making enemies.
I can write a book called How to lose friends and disengage with people.
I am just a sad little green  tortoise  who crawls and crawls..

raul

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Re: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« Reply #12 on: July 15, 2019, 08:07:55 pm »
Holden,

Thank you for your words. I read the other posts but I respond now to this one. From time to time I see pictures of pretty women on magazines, newspapers, advertisements on the bus, or even girls advertising cheese, sausages, or any other item in the supermarkets with their colorful uniforms, ,etc. The owners know that fresh meat always attracts customers.

I also see couples getting married or engaging to be married. They smile and smile. This reminds me of a former school
classmate. He was forced to a shotgun marriage as we more or less say in Spanish. He is 51 and his elder daughter 30. That is life.

In the past I envied young couples. Now I don´t. In the past some mocked me for not having a girlfriend or a wife. They mock me for not having those chains that millions love. Now I don´t care. I can´t deny that I have strong sexual urges. It is part of our nature.

Sexual pleasure and reproduction go together in this slave farm. I agree completely with you when you say that people like to belong to a community and they are afraid of loneliness, afraid of being on their own.

As you say, in the views of these couples life is all right, life is a blessing. Long live life! Life is good. Life is wonderful. Let´s enjoy ourselves.

Yes, the priests or pastors give the blessings to the newly married in the name of Jesus. They know how to market Jesus and business is business. A man brutally murdered on the cross. Punished for our sins, so they say.

As you well know, these men and women have no idea about these issues. I am also ignorant and guilty.   
We are demonic automatons and we keep this insane work spinning every single second.

Yes, you, Holden, think too much and see too much. In this world it is better to keep our eyes wide shut.

Stay safe.

Holden

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Re: Diary Excerpts (Senor Raul,Mr.Silenus)
« Reply #13 on: July 18, 2019, 12:19:58 pm »
Senor Raul,
You might want to read this.I found on the internet:



Have decided to voluntarily stop eating and drinking. Have ordered my do not resuscitate bracelet and have enough gastric chronic problems that frequently cause me to be unable to hold down food or water sonthe dehydration should take less than the seven days and leave enough questions that my eleven and eight year old sons will not realize mommy did it on purpose so they could have a better life and a better new Mom. I may wait until my sons’ respective baseball seasons are over. The younger one made his first All Star travel team and I know no one else will drive him to faraway tournaments. I am so darn proud of him. I want our relationship to be preserved and I do not want to murk the one sport he enjoys and is a dynamo at. So...August, it is. My kids do not deserve an unfixable Mom and if they resuscitate my estranged vindictive husband will make sure I suffer. Colostomy bag, more huge scars, whatever he can sign papers to have inflicted on me at hospital he will. (He does not believe in religion or even spirituality but somehow believes the universe is rightfully punishing me for having eating disorders when we were young. He thrives on my suffering.) He can not afford to divorce me and remarry so he hates me even more but is stealing our joint money one week at a time and opening secret credit lines. I can’t even pay off our joint debt (which he calls “mine” because he refuses to do things like meal planning or hire repairs, or make sure the kids have clothes/shoes/needs met) so that I can get us a smaller place if he leaves. He has me by a string and is hiding all sorts of things and he is not making it a secret that he is counting the moments until he can find a better wife than I am. He wants to be super fun happy weekend Dad. So whatever stepmom he chooses better be amazing or I will haunt her ass.
I am just a sad little green  tortoise  who crawls and crawls..

Holden

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I am just a sad little green  tortoise  who crawls and crawls..