{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

I understand.  My "state of being" seems to be becoming even more unbearable.  I try to think of certain people I have met (in institutions) who were able to keep their spirits up in such a way that they appeared to enjoy being themselves.   I've been very "sensitive" to snide vibrations ... I don't know how else to describe it.  It's as though I pick up on the gorts' mocking glances.  I would think I would be able to just "psychically deflect it" ---- I have to "pray for strength and courage" I guess.

I wonder how many others feel this way ... this "social anxiety" ... 

It amazes me that I am not able to follow Schopenhauer's council as far as not giving people the satisfaction of seeing their effect on me.

Maybe I need o go over The Pessimist's Handbook.

I don't want to walk around hating while in society, but I don't want to be a prisoner in the apartment either. 

I now there is ice in people's laughter when they try to intimidate me not to speak out loud to myself.   I say loud enough for them to hear me, "Philosophy is the ability to converse with oneself."

It's a spiritual battle.   Do you ever have fear of someone driving by and shooting you?    There seems to be a huge conspiracy.  Artaud suggested that Van Gogh was "suicided by society".   In Dostoevsky's The Brothers K--- one of the characters says that he plays the buffoon in public even though he knows he is "intellectually superior".   

A prime example of how people can be suicided by society is Gene Simmons' attitude:  Gene Simmons Tells Depressed People: 'F**k You, Kill Yourself'

He's a great example of the type of arrogance I despise ... King of the Gorts? No ... That term is not really accurate, is it?  King of the Phonies?   Hmmm .... I don't know.  He doesn't pretend to be something he's not.  He's not a sucker ... And yet ... well, maybe he was just after some free publicity.  King of the ****?  Let's just forget it.  He might be some kind of mafia boss that could put a hit out on me and make it look like a suicide.   

I will try not to become too angry about such attitudes ... but holy f---.

Sorry ... I am unable to write curse words in the public library due to a Net Nanny ... 


It was not easy to be Dostoevsky or Nietzsche or Schopenhauer.   It's most likely Hell to be Ligotti.

I haven't been writing at all.  That's one of the worst consequences of binge drinking.  When in the grip of it, the hands shake and I can't hold a pen.   I have very little interest in doing anything at all.  Knowing that Ligotti suffers similar feelings of horror and dread can actually be a consolation.  I am hoping the few of us who post here can offer us some kind of consolation just knowing we suffer similar horror at being alive.