I love to work through high school mathematics textbooks and attempt to write simple mathematical programs because I enjoy working in dummy mode.
I delight in witnessing how easily I err.
I do not aspire to be a "great philosopher" nor do I wish to be a revolutionary spiritual leader of any kind.
How I long to embrace total disillusionment!
I want to type up something I had scribbled in one of my "mathematical sketchpads" - not to be confused with "mathematical scratchpad":
One might think that I would be embarrassed or ashamed to be revisiting "high school geometry" after having graduated from the state university with honors 15 years ago. To those who are embarrassed for me I would say, "I don't remember anything from tenth grade geometry. I only have this vague feeling that this was the year I began feeling like a fraud and started to lose my confidence. I owe this to myself. I may appear less intelligent to those who think I understand physics and multivariable calculus just because I studied these in a university and received the grade of 'A' or '4.0' as input into the 'GPA', but I have to live with myself in my own skin. I would rather appear less intelligent than to be a fraud."
Do you understand, Holden, that I just want to be myself, that I do not aspire to be a so-called great man?