Author Topic: I don't feel very smart most of the time  (Read 234 times)

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Creepy Sleepy

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I don't feel very smart most of the time
« on: June 07, 2018, 12:05:21 am »
Senor Raul,

Very often you belittle your intelligence.  I would like you to know that very often I don't feel very smart at all.  Sometimes it's a technical problem I am running into where I can't get a computer to print using a server on a Windows machine because some Windows Update no longer supports "SMBv1" which Samba uses from the Linux "client" machines.

Other times it is when trying to write code, such as for irrational periodic continued fractions, and finding it is more complicated than the code I wrote for rational numbers, code which I was so very proud of just yesterday.   :-\

So I end up going to sleep very depressed on many nights, whereas once in a while I feel very high from getting code to work or finally understanding a concept that had me baffled.

I just want to let you know that feeling "not very bright" may be a universal feeling, and that, more often than not, like Socrates, I am painfully aware of how ignorant I am; that is, I am painfully aware of just how little I actually know or understand.
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~

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Creepy Sleepy

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Re: I don't feel very smart most of the time
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2018, 11:58:16 am »
Maybe there is something to this "rapid cycling bipolar disorder" ...

I was up until 4AM working on some code for displaying the continued fraction of an irrational number, including bracketting off the periodic part.  I had decided to look at the source code SymPy uses, and try to translate that into C/C++.  It turns out I learned I could use C++ STL <map> to implement the way the Python code (SymPy) pulls it off, and the code turned out quite elegant (brief and to the point).

When I awoke this morning, the depression I had been experiencing all day yesterday had vanished, replaced by a humble sort of pride in my stubborn tenacity.

I wouldn't even care if my brain has been hijacked by the Soul of the Computing Machines ... if it helps me learn more about computational programming, so be it.
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~

raul

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Re: I don't feel very smart most of the time
« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2018, 09:06:29 am »
Mr. K.H.

Thank for your response. Yes, I belittle my intelligence. You see I grew up in a very family environment. I was often criticized, verbally attacked and mocked almost all the time. Psychologists, I am not sure, might say that I have an inferiority complex. Yes, I was considered inferior.  I still am. If I voiced all the words I have written here or what you have written or Holden has written, then certainly I would be considered negative, defeatist, non positive, etc, etc.

But all these pro-life, optimists, positive, gorts, as you call them correctly, have led us nowhere. I have realized this bitter and sad truth. Truth hurts as you have pointed out and also Holden. I have just been to the hospital to take my father there. On the fourth floor I heard the babies. I realized that is where the mothers are interned. More victims for the human farm.

I think, no flattery, that you are very smart. From what you have written all your experiences and readings have sharpened your mind and let you have a broader view of life. Not many can say that. Another is Holden, with all his experiences, and sufferings. Of course this broader view of life is not very pleasant to the ears.

You say you are stubborn but in my view, that is very positive. Without this quality you would have never dared to question, read, inquire and understand life. I think you and Holden too are in a position to see that the future generations are going to have many problems in underestanding human life. Engineers are building robots but they do not see themselves as robots. They do not see themselves as an assembly of parts. No, that would be horrible. Indeed, much horrible.

I read somewhere that to be free one has to be well programmed. I think cats are fortunate, more fortunate than human beings. They are not attached to their owners, they go where they please, they go naked and if their temporary owners die or vanish, they just keep moving as you say in American English.

Yes, we are ignorant of many things but the thing is that we know we are ignorant.Most do not know that. Worse, they do not want to know.

Take a siesta and take the vitamins.

Creepy Sleepy

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I don't want to care.
« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2018, 11:57:34 pm »
Sometimes I think, I don't know how long I can go on like this.  Then I think of Waiting for Godot.

We will never draw any crowds with the truth.

I am convinced that people prefer lies and fairy tales.  Anything but contemplation on the creatures we really are.

As I have mentioned before, even though I have decided to devote myself to studying math as a way to remain off the booze, there are times when I imagine a large bottle of whiskey in my future --- and yet!

Like a protagonist in a Dostoevsky novel, I don't feel obligated to  make sense anymore.  I don't want to NEED anyone to take any interest whatsoever about what goes on in my head or what it is I do all day.   I'm not impressed with actors who practice their lines all day for a live performance or something to be filmed, so why would I care that such extroverts would be likely to mock the things which occupy my days, my years, my lifetime?

I seek TOTAL INDIFFERENCE and DISDAIN.

Also, I don't want anyone who posts here to think they have to make any sense whatsoever.

Let us blurt things out and jump from one topic to another.

Let us talk to the walls.

I see the world.  I can't help but see the world ... but much of what I think of as the world bombards me from the television I can't help overhearing.  I wish I could remember that that world is not so very real.   It just seems to be real.

I hide from the world, and yet I do not hide from facing that which might drive others to suicide or at the very least, to the liquor store.

A neighbor from about 12 years ago, when I was living in an apartment complex on Rental assistance, once told me that if he had my brain, he most surely would commit suicide.

So, I guess I am fortunate to have the temperament to enjoy my own company.

As Raul has told me, my stubbornness is a benefit that helps me to maintain this strong disdain for the values of society.  Having no interest in being "hired" by an employer shows me just how much I must differ from so many others.  That I do not envy "couples" or even large "families" - that is another clue.

I should never be surprised to find my views so very different from so many others in society.

Nor should I be surprised to find that I detest or despise those who puff themselves up as "good people".

They like to see themselves in this light.  They have a narrative of who they are in their head.

And yet they can never escape the confines of their Being A Creature with an appetite, a living organism in constant disturbance and anxiety.  THAT is hardly ever discussed in that TV Land.\

I wish Schopenhauer wrote about what he ate. 

I wish writers were more honest and did not try so hard to impress or to solve "the great riddle of existence".

We should not expect to be understood.   I doubt people really want to understand anything.  They mostly just want to be amused, entertained ... If anything, our existence is a topic for their amusement, something to mock.

Or, perhaps, once one has reached a certain degree of "psychological insight," they become unfit for polite society.  They make others uncomfortable.

Thinking about math, I wonder how many have been kept occupied throughout their lives with such studies, and I also wonder if such studies played in part in many suicides.

I mean, it appears that life is a cruel joke, and the promise of making any kind of progress in a discipline such as mathematics has surely disappointed a great many.

In a world such as ours, there is a good chance that one who studies mathematics over many years will eventually develop a bitter attitude toward the blockheads and businessmen and landlords and all the hordes who have far more financial security, who have disdain for such studies.  Yes, I can see someone becoming bitter and angry.

Me?  I do not wish to give the society or even extended "family" members the satisfaction of witnessing my disappointment with life.   And yet, I do not trust those who do not feel disappointed with life.

I really suspect people are dishonest - even if they do not know they are dishonest.

I am socially handicapped by my intellectual honesty when dealing with phonies or those who lack insight into their predicament.

Just say no to "therapy".  I would rather seethe and brood in isolation and explore how I really feel than expose myself to "feel good folk wisdom".

I'm with Ligotti.  I'm with Cioran.  I'm with Holden and Raul.

There is something powerful and ironic in this kind of communication we maintain here.

It's similar to how Schopenhauer has been able to reach those few who would appreciate his outlook.

You see, Schopenhauer suspected that nearly everyone experience existence the way he did, and I believe they do - but there are those who will deny this, those who will contribute one's depressive views to personality traits or a bad attitude.

In a sense, many people will DENY REALITY and claim that they are "fine".

They think everyone is stupid and that they can fool someone like me or Schopenhauer who knows better.

Ha!   Fuucking phony liars!     :D
« Last Edit: June 12, 2018, 05:37:51 pm by Kaspar Hauser »
Things They Will Never Tell YouArthur Schopenhauer has been the most radical and defiant of all troublemakers.

Gorticide @ Nothing that is so, is so DOT edu

~ Tabak und Kaffee Süchtigen ~

Holden

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Re: I don't feel very smart most of the time
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2018, 12:34:25 am »
The message board should be like rhizome or the hotel in Amerika (Kafka) that has innumerable main doors and side doors,it even has entrances and exits without doors.
 
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La Tristesse Durera Toujours                                  (The Sadness Lasts Forever ...)
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