{∅, {∅}, {∅, {∅}}} : Rage Against the Meat Grinder

Thank you for your moral support, Holden.  Unassimilated.   That is the label Pirsig gave the slips of paper with ideas not connected to an already existing topic category.

Yes, I do feel quite unassimilated.  And yet, I sure am not the only one who is unassimilated.   One of the great lines in Toole's Confederacy of Dunces was when he wishes he could live in ambitionless peace.  If I were to complain too much, I might risk sounding like Ignatius.   It is very easy for others to "put me in my place" simply by pointing out that I have not held down a steady job in nearly 2 decades.  So, anyone, especially children who have since become adults, who might have respected my "sharpness" or "math skills" at one point, as they became adults themselves, witnessing my life unfold, upon witnessing where all those skills and so-called sharpness got me, they are now free to mock me from afar.   I have no doubt in my mind that there are those, especially in the extended family, who like nothing better than to witness my low social status.  They want to put money in their pockets.   What an absolute fool I must appear to them, and how wonderful that they live in such a world where "a positive attitude" will get you much farther in the work-force than a sharp mind.   No one earns more at the State University than the Football coach.  Go team, go.   

No, no, and again no.    I am afraid I have grown tired of trying to find a niche in American society.  They want me to play the role of "mental health consumer."  Maybe there are those within that system who might offer me genuine emotional support, but I have had enough of this ... They have so much banking on their Health Care System.  It's like the only game in town.   Now, with so many suffering severe anxiety and existential despair, they are sure to mine for more and more "emotionally disturbed persons."   Have a few drinks, go to the hospital ... now you are a client suffering from mental illness.  Shuffle 'em through ... ching, ching ...

If the youth know what's good for them, they will be sure to try and land a job with a telecommunications giant and campaign for the next big breakthrough technology.  Or, be sure to get in on the Slave Patrol or else risk being a slave patrolled.  I really have a terrible attitude.  I won't deny it.  If everyone thought like me, well ... maybe we would consider figuring a way out of this raw deal we call life/existence; but I'm afraid that each of us, along with all the other freaky creatures on this planet, are on our own.  We each suffer as lone individual organisms.   We each would endure our illnesses and heartache alone within our own hearts, within our own animal body.  I suppose this is why Schopenhauer suggests compassion as the only sensible attitude to take towards our fellow-creatures.   One must even try to have compassion for those who have wronged us.

Schopenhauer suggests that, when you find yourself hating someone with intense feeling, to consider the pain this person has experienced in their life.  Some say to forgive as long as you don't forget.   It is difficult, but if even the slightest degree of forgiveness is to be felt in the heart, it must be linked to an intrinsic awareness of their suffering and general dissatisfaction.   Even when people put up a front, like a couple that wants people to envision them as lovebirds, one knows from experience the drudgery that is animal existence.  Want, need, and utter futility.

The reason I am not too comfortable complaining about anything whatsoever is because I am aware that there are others suffering far worse fates.   There are also the countless automatons who feel they have no choice.  They have too much "dignity" and "character" to live on the dole.  Not only that, but there is no social status when one is living off the taxpayers.  I understand that many quirky and eccentric people get some kind of grant or sponsorship to do research, but those tax dollars bring some dignity.  I don't know Holden.  It's just not in the cards for me.  I mean, I have lost the desire to please or impress others.

The bills are all from August.   Over the summer, during a "trip through" the psychiatric hospital, I had passed out from the medication they gave me, and when they shipped me to the hospital (I had no choice in the matter), they sent me up to the cardiac unit!     The thing is, I was sent to the PSYCHIATRIC hospital involuntarily.  I did not want to be there.  I did not request to be there.   During the stay there, I was shipped to the regular hospital, stayed there a couple of days, and then was sent back to the psychiatric (behavioral health) hospital/jail/zoo.   They then took me in as a NEW patient, even though I was supposed to be discharged soon.  I had to be re-evaluated all over again [ching, ching].  I was literally held hostage/prisoner.  I'm disgusted with the entire system.   I do not have any faith in psychiatry or the kinds of services offered by "outpatient behavioral health care."  I'm just at this point in my life where I realize the health care industry is as corrupt as any other Big Player.  They are processing the poor through their system, sending people bills they can't or won't pay, and then claiming to have "treatment" to offer.  There are also all those who aim to make careers out of working as nurses or "mental health technicians" or "substance abuse counselors."    I don't want to be fuel for their goddamn fire.  I am not saying that there is no such thing as mental illness or emotional distress.  I simply don't believe that there is any real science to what is referred to as "being in treatment."  Holy Fuck, I hate those kinds of phrases, being in treatment.   

Hell, I have lost patience with paying deference to those who think they know a little something about "treating emotional disturbance".   It is all too absurd to get too upset about.   I am ignoring the bills and hoping they (or I) will eventually just go away.

As usual, I have conflicting emotions about the people I met in the hospital.  I feel for people.  People are suffering terrible anxiety.  If I could get them all cigarettes, I would.   

Thanks again, Holden, for those shots in the arm you administer with your words.  You are Good Medicine.