A few years back I worked under a man who was obsessed with productivity and in a fit of dark humour I told my colleagues, that if it were unto him, he would chop off the horns of the cows which lazily munch on grass and turn them into phony ponies and organise polo matches using them in order to generate some revenue out of them.
Like Charles Dexter Ward, Brodsky had his own personal agenda which went beyond the confines of narrow academic setting. The reason Schopenhauer failed to become an academician was that he wanted to teach what can never be taught within the confines of gort infested universities.
I have a great deal of sympathy for you, because, despite of possessing far more intelligence than the typical corporate executive,you are in dire financial straits because of your unwillingness to be subservient. There ought be some kind of scholarship allowance for you and yet things are not exactly how one would like them to be.
You should not take up a job,if you can manage without one and have patience,maybe after some time things might change for the better.
I'm not sure if you remember me mentioning that the story of Charles Dexter Ward was the first story by Lovecraft which really genuinely appealed to me. The way Mr. Ward goes about studying what interests him without restraint. Careerism seems to trump such interests, relegating them to the realm a hobby for an ameteur.
The humility of living from hand to mouth is not so bad for me. For whatever reasons, subservience has become ever more unbearable for me. I feel I do not have to explain this to any critics from any nation, and if pressed, I might choose death over indentured slavery. I know this would sound immature coming from a man my age, something one might expect out of the mouth of a rebellious teenager; but - well, there it is, I unashamedly admit. This is the aspect which outrages our more arrogant fellow-sufferers on the plantation. They see a lack of resources as the desrved fate of a "lazy" person considered USELESS to gort society. It is amazing that you actually are able to genuinely sympathize with me. You have not been so brainwashed as those who tell you that "math books are for children," and not for adults who should have their nose to the grindstone, prostituting their days to the highest bidder.
Maybe one day I will be placed in a position to talk people out of suicide who are contemplating this as an option to "business as usual." I don't know, Holden, why it is I have had such a difficult time finding a place in this world. Maybe I have found a place, and that place is outside the workforce, outside the university (unless as a janitor). Again, I don't understand the discrepancy between my so-called intelligence and my position in society any more than you do. Maybe it is as Schopenhauer says, that society reverses the natural order of the universe with its own artificially enforced order, keeping what Nature has made strong LOW, while raising degenerates to positions of economic and militaristic authority.
I will transcribe the excerpts jotted down on page 76 in
H-158 (2012) : The Faustus Phenomenon, Book One , a "diary" written during 2012 ... when I purchased a huge collection of Lovecraft tales. Yes, out of all the stories by Lovecraft I have read, this character, Charles Dexter Ward, inspires me to just take it in stride. There are many different kinds of strange characters in this world, and not all of us are going to find "economic prosperity" in such a world as ours, the worst of all possible worlds.
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"He had, he said, important special investigations to make, which would provide him with more avenues toward knowledge and the humanities than any university which the world could boast."
"Naturally, only one who had always been more or less studious, eccentric, and solitary could have pursued this course for many days without attracting notice. Ward, however, was constitutionally a scholar and a hermit; hence his parents were less surprised than regretful at the close confinement and secrecy he adopted."
"During October Ward began visiting the libraries again, but no longer for the antiquarian matter of his former days. Witchcraft and magic, occultism and daemonology, were what he sought now."
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While I was interested in occult topics during my late teens and early twenties, my current "witchcraft" is "mathcraft" ... the mathcraft is in the code.
I like to think of different ages past when scholarly pursuits were reserved for priestly classes. I also have met individuals on the edge of society who struggle with addictions, constant suicidal ideations when seeking a way out of the maze ... many suffer indescribable agonies for which there seems to be no relief for them. I have been in much worse shape, mentally and emotionally. I have witnessed just how utterly miserable this Hell can be, and so, it really is a Razor's Edge. Remember Schopenhauer's words, Holden, about how a prisoner in a dungeon, with a certain temperament, might experience moments of tranquility and even mirth, whereas there is no guarantee that a prince's wealth will grant him any simple joy or delight or wonder or fascination or enchantment.
I know it may sound corny and cliche, and I understand the view of the gort masses that some of us diagnosed with "mood disorders" or a "chemical imbalance" are a drain on the War Machine economy, that we ought to be contributing --- the way soldiers do ... they always rub one's face in shiit by pointing out the sacrifices soldiers make. In fact, the silent majority would like to turn all the soldier-slaves against the man who speaks his mind freely and is not in the least bit ashamed of not wanting to get his balls shot off, and is not particularly enthusiastic about shooting any other man's balls off for no other reason than, "It's an order!"
If I were employed, I imagine I would be as helpful and subservient as possible, for as long as possible, but I have come to know myself, to know the potential for dark moods that overtake me - as well as how I behave around others when agitated or "trapped" ... talking outloud, saying crazy things.
Kurt Vonnegut has warned (in Twelfth Night) to be careful about what you pretend to be, since that is what you often become. You become what you do (or don't do).
The reason Schopenhauer failed to become an academician was that he wanted to teach what can never be taught within the confines of gort infested universities.
In a perfect world, I would, like Thoreau, prefer to start my own school which would be "between high school and university," and thereby "beyond" universities coopted by Industry, that is, the school would focus on developing understanding for understanding's sake and might not turn out too many ambitious go-getters. That's a whole different can of worms, a pipe dream that isn't even that satisfying. I never thought I would be "on the disability dole" for this long. It just kind of becomes your life, as Springsteen sings in "Straight Time".
Maybe I have dived deeper, and hence, have come up muddier. Too muddy for polite gort society.
I am failry certain that, even were I to have been blessed with financial security, there would still be, on some nights and mornings, a desire to die in my sleep. It is not getting any easier, and - for the moment, I am one of the lucky ones! That is, I am living indoors with access to books and Internet. This kind of security is temporary; and yet, in reality, not even a wealthy famliy is immune to what we go on and on about here - the predicament of being born, having to eat to live ... It can't be very easy for anyone.
Control and security may be, after all, just illusions. The animal body decays, and the human heart experiences hate, fear, anxiety, and trauma regardless of the contents in a bank account. Still, the price of rent for even run down, cockroach infested slumboxes, may lead many into the streets, and thereby, subjected to psychiatric labels and diagnoses. Mental Illness, per se, may be more of an economic and political phenomenon than a medical reality.
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